I think I already know the answer to this question but I was hoping maybe there could be a different outcome. I’ve been talking to a guy from a dating app and we haven’t met yet, but he is exactly my type and seems like the sweetest guy. I really like him but part of me has been hung up on an ex who broke up with me a year ago. I know I’m toxic because a few days ago I matched with this other guy (32M) who sort of looked like my ex and I suspected it was his older brother. And then I found out it was his older brother and I don’t know why but I thought it would be funny to message him for a few days just to annoy my ex. But I never wanted to meet/date or hookup with him, just mess with him over text for a couple days I guess. He doesn’t know I went out with his younger brother so I don’t even know what I thought would come out of this. I know this makes me so toxic. I only texted him for 3 days and then I stopped because I felt bad. Anyway the guy I’m actually interested in seems really mature, wants something serious and said he doesn’t like when people waste other people’s time. I told him I’m looking for something serious, which I am with him. But at the same time I was talking to other people casually on the dating app as well as talking to my ex’s older brother. My friends told me it was fine because I haven’t even met him and I’m not committed, etc. What should I do?
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30 year old looking for something serious with a person who graduated high school only 3 years ago… if you decide to meet up don’t go in with any expectations of him fulfilling his promises… dream guy yet you’ve never even interacted with him in person. Not trying to be a debbie downer but you’ve got a lot to live!
I couldn’t tell you, only you know how you feel. But I will say that a year or two from now, you’re gonna look back and see how small of an issue this was. You’re young, I wouldn’t give yourself a headache. You don’t owe him any explanations seeing as you are just casually texting him. If anything, by you telling him the toxic thing, he can use that as leverage and manipulate you… just hope you see where I’m coming from in the sense that he’s much older and you’re still young. and you’re in a vulnerable place right now. I’m certain situations like those (young/older) work out but you have to be honest with yourself. You’ve never even met up in person. and coming from a guy, a man will always want you to see his best side. His true colors are revealed when you see him at his worst.
Couple of thoughts
1) You had mentioned you were casually talking with some other people. I’m not saying you should give that up immediately, but if you are actually serious about meeting this guy and find out you still like him and enjoy his company. Then the taking to other people should stop (in my opinion). I understand there a risk that this guy isn’t what you thought, or maybe things might not work out and you want to be prepared. But at some point when you feel like you’ve committed, you shouldn’t be talking with other guys.
2) There may be a bit of details I’m missing because I don’t know you or everything going on like your friends do but, I wouldn’t necessarily say your a toxic person because you did one thing, because you’re hurt. People do stupid stuff when they’re heart gets broken. That being said, if you are hurting so much you think this will have a negative effect on starting a new committed relationship, you may want to be careful. Either let the guy know you’re still recovering or tell him you’re not ready yet. But if you can set aside the pain, you may have a something good about to begin. You miss 100% of shots you don’t take, ya know?
What about dreaming of a guy your own age? Do you not feel strong enough to hold your own with an equal? There are complex economic and social dynamics that draw younger women to older men, but many of them are based on outright sexism. Do you have a good education? Can you support yourself comfortably? A man that wants a woman that’s only 2/3 of his age will want to lower the ratio sometime in the future.
I don’t think that either of the feelings that you described in your post make you toxic. Most people think about their ex’s, even when the relationship ends badly. We mourn the lost possibilities. The desire for petty revenge on the ex who dumped you is also normal. You felt bad about dragging another person into and stopped after just a few days of fantasizing, which I would call a healthy decision. Most people feel similar emotions and desires. Toxic behavior just goes to extremes. Contact your new connection. Be confident and optimistic. Enjoy your time with him and treat him as an individual, not as a replacement or do-over for your ex. I think that soon you will find that you think less and less of your ex.