Me and my partner cannot have sex or do much more than one finger because I just can’t relax my body. I’m not sure if there is a medical reason for this or if I’m just not relaxed enough buy I really want help because two fingers is very painful and he says it’s painfully tight for two fingers.
Help!
3 comments
[removed]
You need to see a gynecologist and get vaginal dilators. Medical condition is vaginismus related to structurally small vagina and muscle spasm. There are rare conditions where vagina is not fully formed and surgery is required.
I had this issue when I was a teen and couldn’t even use tampons because of it. Back then I couldn’t even get a finger inside. If I hadn’t been bleeding monthly I wouldn’t even had known that I had a canal there at all. Eventually after a few times of painful sex I could fit in a finger but not more without pain, and I continued like that up until I was 29 years old, frustrated and confused. Although being trans I kinda blamed it on dysphoria, but that really wasn’t the issue. Anyway. My vagina still has a tendency to “lock up” from the slightest tension. So she’s kinda prissy if I may say so.
But I managed to mostly solve the issue by masturbating, first with fingers, then with gradually larger dildos, using lots of lube and even more patience. Dilation sets were kinda pricy so I just got dildos for anal beginners instead lol. They worked just fine. The smallest one was about 1,5 finger thick.
Masturbating worked much better than partner sex for resolving this issue because I’m just much more relaxed when I’m not watched or having someone to “perform” for. Then I could do it in my own pace and not having to worry about anything or anyone else. Doing that for just a few months (sizing up a tiny bit every couple weeks or so, daily practice) made my vagina elastic enough to accommodate for at least average size penises. If I wanna take bigger than that I’d have to give myself another months long training session, which… not a priority right now.
Also using your own fingers you’ll get more familiar with your own anatomy, you’ll be able to feel if there’s any specific sore or rough spots, for example. Spots to be extra gentle with or that feel extra good.
The occasional “lock up” I generally solve by just adding lube and getting through that first initial hurdle, meaning basically just force the guy into me lol, because then after that (maybe split second of discomfort) it feels good. So it doesn’t concern me at this point that PIV sex just kinda has a “rough start.” Although I would not recommend you do this unless you know your own anatomy well enough to know that this method won’t harm you.
Pushing with the pelvic floor muscles can also help “open up” a little bit, to counteract pulling tensions that close you up more than you’d be when relaxed, if you’re physically unable to fully relax. I found this trick randomly at some point because I also have issues with small tensions causing big problems. What I mean by this “pushing” vs “pulling” is… basically “pulling” is when you’re trying to pull something into you or keeping something inside, like for ex holding your pee in, and “pushing” is… well, the opposite of that, pushing something out of you. I dunno if you have that ultra specific problem of the vaginal opening itself acting like a stubborn sphinxter… but just in case you do, that’s how I handle it.
Varying those different types of tensions can also aid in giving pleasure during stimulation because it’ll give different sensations, btw, as a little bonus. That’s my way of enjoying sex without being able to relax, using tension to my advantage.
Fyi, I have not been diagnosed with vaginismus or anything else for that matter, and I have no way of knowing if you and I have the same issue or not. I didn’t go to a doctor about it, and now I don’t need to. I actually just got desperate enough to embark on a “try everything” journey, basically, after having read up a bit about female sexuality and anatomy online, and learned about the important key points about comfort, arousal, wetness, elasticity and patience.
So if you want a professional opinion, go to a doc. If not, well then I don’t think there’s any harm in trying what I did. As long as you’re careful and remember to listen to your body. Don’t force anything, don’t go in dry, take a few deep breaths if you get frustrated, you’ve got time.