My (30m) Wife (33f) admitted to emotional affair
My wife and I have 2 children together. The second half of last year she became close with a group of males at work. She became a extremely distant with both myself and our kids during this period, to which I became frustrated and made my feelings known.
She refused to stop talking with these individuals, which was private text messages and group chats. I said at least be open about what they spoke about but she refused. Naturally I became concerned, even more so as one of the individuals she had been told found her attractive, and numerous repetitive comments were made.
In December, the month of my 30th birthday, she only seem to increase the contact with these individuals whereby it was was constant, phone calls or texts on a group chat. She was distant with both me and the kids and would mostly not get up to help open their advents for Christmas.
Just before Christmas she asked me to move out in January, to which I agreed as I was upset about everything and hoped the space would make it better.
Around 30th December, I over heard her on the phone at midnight when she was supposedly asleep after my son had woken up. I went into the room and it was a guy from work, let’s say named John.
I was angry and she immediately hung up the phone and said she didn’t know what he wanted. I was in shock and thought my fears were coming true so I left for an hour.
I left in January but was entirely heart broken. She denied any feelings for John for ages. Please note he’s married with 4 kids and is a colleague who works all over the county.
I found out in February that after the midnight phone call Johns wife had halted all contact with my wife and the people on in the group.
My wife subsequently admitted to having feelings for John in February. She now wants to get back together but I said I must see he phone which is protected like the ground Jewell’s to establish whether anything else happened and make sure she is being honest that it was only emotional but she is refusing saying it’s a breach of her privacy.
I’m angry and looking to move on without her but gutted to break up the family unit.
I am on the brink of moving on completely due to a lack of trust.
I don’t know how to proceed?
35 comments
It takes two to make reconciliation work. If she is not going to put in the effort you are wasting your time, it is clear that the only reason she wants you back is because the other guys wife put an end to the affair if she hadn’t it would still be going on.
>I’m angry and looking to move on without her but gutted to break up the family unit.
>I am on the brink of moving on completely due to a lack of trust.
You know exactly how to proceed. She wants to get back, great, its up to her to build up the trust since she betrayed it and your relationship. You now know how much she values you.
It’s up to you. Some people view emotional affairs (without sex) as salvageable, but I personally don’t agree. However, I’m not married with kids so this is easy to say. Either way, I highly suggest some type of counseling, individual and/or marriage
God man do your self a big favor she didn’t just cheat on you and she dist your children none
Of you are important to her it was most likely
Sex to. Move on no saving this co parent
Is it possible to visit John’s wife and get a detailed description from her on what she found?
Sorry man, but her plan A got caught by his wife and wasn’t willing to leave for her, so she’s hitting plan B. No remorse because she believes she’s doing you a favor. She’s a liar and a cheat. Most likely this was physical as well as an emotional affair. Do yourself and your kids a favor by letting her go. Don’t be a back up plan. She doesn’t sound like mom of the year either, so maybe joint custody might make her at least appreciate the kids.
Edit: thanks for the award!
She only wants you back because John’s not an option, you and children deserve better and make sure you fight for your share of custody. A lot of custody is 50/50 now a days
You aren’t breaking up the family, she is by not being open and by cheating on you. Stand up for yourself and divorce her.
moving on is probably the best thing you can do. I know it hurts to break up the family but why torment yourself to someone’s who is disloyal, untrustworthy, and has no transparency. she was willing to forget about you and the kids to pursue her own interest and now that she sees her safety net is moving on she wants you back. please don’t. spare yourself the pain and heartache.
What would be the point of seeing the phone now? She’s had time to delete and scrub away evidence.
Bruh, move on.
What is she willing to do to repair the damage she caused? Sounds like a little boo hoo, a few crocodile tears and a smile is all she is offering.
She got rid of you to clear the way for her to be with John. However, John’s wife found out and John clearly chose her so your wife was left with no-one, now she wants you back. You’re her husband but still her second choice.
You’ve laid a boundary that you want to see the phone, but she refuses. The only real reason for this is that she knows there’s stuff on there that she desperately does not want you to see, but she doesn’t want to lose so won’t delete it.
Divorce and move on.
You go talk to your attorney. Start the process. Make sure you get 50/50, or more, with your kids. And you move on. It was not just emotional.
Good luck buddy
Why did you leave? Go back and tell her to leave. Have a fucking backbone man. Also, I hate to tell you, but it is not just an emotional affair. Move back in, contact a lawyer, and end this shit.
Then more happened. It was 100% physical.
Privacy and secrecy are two different things.
“I’m not sure what you thought would happen when this all came out, but you clearly didn’t think about anyone but yourself. I dealt with you distancing yourself from me and our kids for nearly a year. Then you had the nerve of I ask me to move out when you are the one having an affair. One that would still be going on if not for his wife. You now all of a sudden want to work it out with me, but don’t want to suffer and my consequences from your actions or do any work to earn my trust back.
You know what, no. I’m done. Privacy and secrecy are two different things. My trust in you is broken. You should be doing whatever you can to show me that your emotional affair didn’t turn into a physical affair. You aren’t doing anything. Nothing at all. Your selfishness is now causing two families heartbreak. I also now have to get tested for STI’s, and so should you. He travels and he’s a cheater so if you think you’re the only one you’re fooling yourself.
You did this, and I am unwilling to stay in a marriage with someone that has so little respect for me, herself, our relationship and our kids that she won’t even do what’s necessary to rebuild my trust.
I deserve better.”
Then when she give you the phone, after you get it, you say “there better be nothing deleted on here. (Immediately check for deleted texts) you need to tell me the absolute truth no matter how bad it hurts me. If I find out anything after today our marriage is over.”
Then once you find out it was physical you might still end it. And you 100% tell his wife
Considering John’s wife ended it, I have a feeling it would have continued no problem. Chances are high your wife is lying about it being only an emotional affair. You want to move on, and I advise you do. It’s no good for the kids to stay in a bad relationship. She made her choice and only wants you back because it fell through.
Move in without her.
Even if so far was just emotional, she wasn’t going to stop. She wasn’t the one who put an end to the relationship so it probably would have evolved to physical affair by now.
On top of that she won’t come completely clean so she’s obviously still hiding something.
She only wants you back because her first choice fell through. Think about that.
Can you get the screenshots from the APs wife? So you know that it’s all sexting and extremely dirty talk, I love you’s, and leaving their spouses for each other. And more of what they would do to each other if they could run away.
You’ll have a better idea if she physically cheated by checking her texts with her best friends. But I think since the only real reason she came back is the AP listens to his wife and stopped contacting yours, you should continue leaving her.
No, please don’t get back with her. I understand you don’t want to break up the family but I’m sick and tired if hearing men status with their wives who have had affairs. You don’t deserve this and no man should ever accept such nonsense from their wives. Divorce and find a new partner to help raise your child.
The fact that she was even less interested in your children during this upsets me a lot. She didn’t want to do the advent calendars? I’m Jewish but I’m pretty sure that’s a nice family tradition type of thing, right? Like special memories for them? She not only was tired of being with you but tired of being a mother, too. I say leave. Give her a lot of space. Move on and find a better woman who actually likes you and feels lucky to be with you. Hopefully, she’ll go through some counseling and become a better mother but I don’t think she’s “better wife” material. So sorry.
I say this all the time. If your spouse genuinely having an affair or all points lead to that, then you have every damn right to go through their phone. Privacy is just another excuse for the cheaters in the world. You and your kids are better off leaving her to her vices. There is no privacy in a marriage. Everyone needs to be audited from time to time.
You should of told her to leave. Divorce and force a house sale.
She started being a distant mother cause she wanted to sleep with a co-worker? What a garbage human being. I’m disgusted.
I’m sorry OP, if it was only a matter of her being emotionally detached from you then maybe, as adults, you could have something to work on. Being emotionally detached from her children to any extent shows she was deep in the affair fog.
As so often happens those who have affairs and detach themselves from their immediate family have a hard time rebuilding the relationship and they blameshift everything onto those around them.
Your wife is still longing for her AP and may try to contact him again.
You need to protect yourself and your children and find out your rights as regards custody.
Your wife needs to get into IC and if she can understand what she has done then maybe there is a chance but MC must also be a part of reconciliation.
I wish you luck whatever you decide.
She violated your marriage and refuses to let you see how far it went. Your peace of mind should trump her privacy, and it would if she actually cared about you.
Wanting to stay together now is her trying not to lose her security blanket now that her new romantic interest is no longer available. Contact a lawyer and tell her you’ll be proceeding with divorce since she refuses to be fully accountable for her actions. Her verbal guarantee of fidelity is as worthless as her marriage vows.
If she won’t prove it was not physical and won’t show the the communication between the two then you have your answer…
Your wife moved you out of the house you lived in with your kids so she could have enough privacy to have an affair. To what extent? She might never tell you because the result is worse than withholding the truth.
She was willing to throw away your marriage for an affair. She followed through on making this a reality for you when she asked you to move out… around the holidays. All of this, and she’s not apologetic, and even allowed it to affect the upbringing of your children.
Now that it didn’t work out, she wants the cake that she sent back to the chef.
Get a lawyer. Talk to the other dude’s wife. And focus on you and your children. Breaking up the family unit was already done by her. She made those choices. You now have to do what’s best for what’s left of the people who didn’t step out on that family.
Your wife is selfish at best.
You wouldn’t be breaking up the family. She already did when she asked you to move out and started ignoring her children.
Say this back to her. You lost the right to any privacy because you held a secret. I am not intruding on your privacy because we had a marriage and you decided to break our vows and allow someone else into our marriage. This is 100% on you, and it is 100% on you to fix this. You broke trust and allowed your boundaries to break. If you want this to work this is your only option, and that is for me to see everything. Now you can pull all deleted messages in an iPhone through the edit function. I would add, In addition to this I want you to call your parents and let them know what you did, and then you can listen to the phone call with my parents. Lastly, you will delete all social media. We can re-establish joint social media where I have 100% access to it. It is either all of this or I will file for divorce tomorrow?
Op this is the way you handle this, and do you know for sure it did not get physical? If you do move towards divorce call her family and yours and let them know you filed for divorce , why you filed, and naming her AP. Do not give one inch as she wants to just sweep this under the rug, and you will be the one left holding the burden of her actions. She either complies or you file.
If she admitted an “emotional affair”, that means she already went through the whole kama sutra book with him.
She’s refusing because that evidence is damning.
Looks like ‘The Other Wife’ deserves a round of applause too! 🎉
No proof it wasn’t physical, leave her buddy. It is for the better. Those kids will still get love. You will always feel like it happened regardless. At this point you are still young. You know deep down the truth, and there is no coming back from that.
You’re not breaking it up she did. She was about to monkey branch you but got blocked by AP’s wife. You’re nothing more to her than a backup plan. There’s a high likelihood that there was more than an EA. Can you ever be happy with her again? Is it good for the children to grow up knowing you two have a bad marriage? They WILL know. The healthiest thing to do is to be happy so your kids can be happy. Whatever that is, do that.
If she’s not willing to be fully open with you, then there’s no chance of reconciliation.
You need to know how bad the damage was and whether or not y’all can work things out. She doesn’t seem willing to do that, and it seems to me that the only reason she wants you back is because John’s wife cutting off her connection to her husband.