My (21M) Gf (20F) of 5 months has a body count of 25 while mine is 13. I’ve been in a 3 year relationship while her longest was around a year. She got cheated on by him, and since, she told me she assigned less value to sex and didn’t really think much of it other than pleasure or having a good time. She went to a small private school in a city which had a culture of promiscuity, and she is also a very free spirited and sexually liberal person. Ever since I learned her count, I’ve been getting torn up about it, especially the more I grow to love her. This is not my question as I’ve already browsed retroactive jealousy posts and really am trying hard to get over this issue as I truly want to be with her and think she is amazing. One thing that is kind of bothering me though is the fact that the semester before we starting dating in college, she really got around, and slept with around 8-10 guys (not sure exact number but somewhere in that range). I’ve discussed her body count with her before and she’s assured me that all her past hookups are irrelevant now that she’s found me, but I still find myself thinking about it. I think it would help me to know the context behind some of these hookups, and I want to ask her about her mindset, specifically with regard to the semester before we met. What is the best way to approach this conversation without appearing judgy or insecure?
Tldr: gf past hookup phase is bothering me and I want to ask her about her mindset during this time in the right way.
15 comments
Man you young kids really give a fuck about a body count it’s so weird.
Clearly you are the one who is unable to cope and have some self esteem issues. 8-10 is nothing and if you find that hard to believe just move on because I got some news for ya. Most people have sex with more then 1 person
This post reads weird and creepy. Good luck asking her why she wanted to have fun, everything you are asking is judgy and shows major insecurity
No, it won’t “help” you to know more details. It’d just be more things for you to be insecure about and retroactively jealous over. Let it go. She chose you.
There is no way to approach it without looking judgmental and insecure because the question is, by its very nature, judgemental and insecure.
She wanted pleasure. She got pleasure. Good for her. You don’t deserve to know anything more than that.
This is the weirdest post. You’ve slept with 13 people at 21 and you were in a 3 year relationship. Were you in relationships with all of the others? Did you go on a run of hooking up with multiple partners in a few weeks? What was your mindset like during these hookups? I bet it was “Hey I’m horny and wanna get laid”. Which is probably the same as hers.
If you’ve hooked up with multiple people without being in a relationship with them certainly you can extrapolate that out to why someone may or may not have done it more than you.
body count is a nonissue. pestering her for context will only further your insecure fixation on this, and make her feel judged. learn to let it go
What is the goal in asking her about her “mindset”? Her mindset was simply: she was single at the time. Also, would you be asking your guy friends about their hook-ups if they started throwing out concrete numbers? Would you even care about their “mindset” if those hook-ups were all ethical and consensual? What about your female friends? Are you going to interrogate them about THEIR mindsets during hook-ups to make moral judgments about THEIR characters too? I don’t think you would care, so why are you putting this on your gf? Her decisions from the past are exactly that: from the past and had nothing to do with you.
I mean, she’s told you her mindset.
>she told me she assigned less value to sex and didn’t really think much of it other than pleasure or having a good time
What do you *actually* want to know?
“The context” was she wanted to hook up and so she hooked up. What’s so complicated about that?
Look, what’s happening here is retroactive jealousy, even though you don’t think it is. I’m glad you recognize this as a “you” problem but I think this is likely to be received poorly.
If I had to guess, I imagine that what you really want to ask is “how is sex with me different from sex with your hookups?” but … I don’t think the answer to that question is going to bring you joy, assuming she answers it honestly, which I bet she won’t because she’ll be able to see that minefield from halfway around the planet.
I think you should think if the roles were reversed here. What exactly do you want to hear about these encounters? Because it seems to me that she’s already told you where her mindset was back then. I could be wrong, but the vibe I get from your post is that you’re looking for her to provide some excuse as to why she slept with that amount of people so YOU feel better about it.
No matter what she says, you may not like the answer or find it sufficient. If you really like this girl then I think you should have a talk with yourself about why you’re so torn up over it. Does it really matter to you or is there a deeper reason such as the conditioning of society or perhaps feeling inexperienced in some way?
Please remember, we are the ones who give power to our thoughts and perceptions but we are also the ones capable of breaking those thoughts and perceptions down and changing them.
The difference between 13 and 25 is not much at all and just going to be chalked up to being in shorter relationships or longer periods of being single. Why did you have sex with the 13 people you had sex with?
My boyfriend and I agreed early on to not disclose our body counts with one another for this exact reason. It was a great decision! Neither of us has to worry that the other is more or less experienced or develop insecurities based off of it. Leave the past in the past!
yikes dude. no mature adults actually think in terms of “body counts” and you’re creating an issue where there is none. if someone asked me about this i would dump them for clearly lacking the maturity, self esteem, and respect that makes a good partner.
you should be speaking to a therapist about this, not your poor girlfriend.
> I think it would help me to know the context behind some of these hookups, and I want to ask her about her mindset, specifically with regard to the semester before we met.
Man, this is not going to help at all, bro. You either learn to accept her body account or you break up and move on. No good will come from knowing the context and it will only feed your insecurity monster
Her mindset was that she wanted to have fun and have pleasure. She’s already told you that. She’s sexually liberated, was in a culture where that wasn’t villainized, and was just trying to have some fun.
Kindly, you don’t need any more details. It’ll just give you more to assess and stress over. It won’t help you feel any more at ease. And if you look at that number objectively, 10 partners in a semester is still less than one partner a week. Why does it matter if those were different partners of convenience, when she could have had one FWB and had sex with them every day?
For lots of people, sex is just an activity to do to fill the time because it’s fun and it feels good. It’s the same thing as sitting down and playing video games or going to dinner. It’s just fun. That’s why she did it. That was her mindset. She was just having fun and being carefree.
>What is the best way to approach this conversation without appearing judgy or insecure?
Have it with your therapist instead of your girlfriend.
Did you have 13 serious girlfriends before you turned 18, or are you just upset that she had an easier time sleeping around than you did?
When did you learn of her count? if it was in the beginning of the relationship and it bothered you , you should have ended the relationship.
25 at 20 years old is alot in my opinion and I would be afraid she would have a greater chance of cheating.
But with that being said, your count is high as well, considering you had a 3 year relationship, that’s 12 by the age of 18 essentially. So you both are for the most part, in the same boat,
How does she feel about your count?