I’m writing this maybe more as a form of closure than I am an update. My original post was over a year ago now in February of 2022 and sometimes it still feels like I’m living in the aftermath despite my life having completely moved on.

The night it all happened I had no clue to the extent of the abuse I suffered in my four year relationship. But posting led to so many people helping me to understand how serious the assault had been. I got in contact with Women’s Aid and took a six week course called the Freedom Programme. It opened my eyes to everything that I hadn’t truly seen before. After reporting him to the police I had to legally fight a domestic abuse charge against me which they finally dropped. His went on for over a year until they eventually charged him with domestic breach of the peace. I didn’t get to sit in court as witness, they said everything discovered through my work with Women’s Aid wasn’t relevant. It still feels like a slap in the face but I’ve made my peace the best I can.

I live in a completely different area now but I still have to travel to visit my family. When I do, I struggle with the idea that everybody I once knew down there probably has no idea what really happened. I’m probably the villain. They’ll never know about being isolated from my family, not being allowed to work while simultaneously being berated for not having money, being mocked and ignored while I had panic attacks, and the sex that made me cry every single time. I don’t want them to know but I dread to think what they’ve been told.

I’m 23 now. I’m in a relationship with somebody that never scares me and never has me questioning his faithfulness. I feel respected and seen. He’s loving towards my dogs and I never worry about what happens to them when I’m not home. It hasn’t been easy and it’s still taking effort to work on learning how to be in a healthy relationship. I had to learn how to be cuddled again, a notion that makes me feel miserably sad for the girl I used to be.

It’s been the hardest year of my life. I left uni, started to work but was crippled with my anxiety and mental health. I can still remember that night crystal clear and it keeps me up some nights, but there’s so much positivity coming soon. I’m starting college, completely disregarding my HNC and going into the automotive industry. It came after I finally felt safe to embrace my biggest passion and I sold my car to buy an unreliable Mr2 that has put a smile on my face every single day since.

I guess I have to thank reddit because I don’t know if I would’ve started my journey to healing as soon as I did. It’s time for me to let go and finally enjoy this life I am so lucky to live.

37 comments

  1. Beautiful. You’re stronger than you think and I sincerely hope your life turns out with a continuing great result.

    And rock that MR2!!!

  2. Congratulations! You did something very brave and very scary by leaving, but thank goodness you were able to. I wish you all the best in everything, relationships, dogs, work, school, and the rest.

  3. So glad to hear you got out and you’re safe now! Congrats OP! You’re on a good path. Don’t worry about what anyone back there thinks. Frankly, it’s none of their business, and if you’re the villain to them, they’re not worth your time.

    If you haven’t, I highly recommend attending support groups for survivors. It’s not only a great community of people who understand and can support you, they usually have great resources if you need them. Like recommendations for therapists for PTSD or even just a recommended reading list.

    So proud of you! Keep moving forward!! Good luck with school!

  4. I remember reading your post last year and I felt so scared for you. I am so, so happy that you got out! You got help and saved your own life. There is no doubt that he would have continued to escalate. Thank yourself, because you deserve that appreciation.

    Enjoy your life and your passions. I wish you happiness in everything you go on to do.

  5. This is such a wonderful update and I’m happy for you. I wish you the best in healing and life. ❤️❤️

  6. Congratulations! I’m glad you got out and are safe and things are looking up for you. 🎊🎉💃

  7. You are such a strong woman! You were strong before you even knew it.
    You deserve a life of success and happiness.

    ❤️❤️

  8. I am so happy for you regarding this new phase of your life, though I wish you’d never have had to go through the preceding events. I’m so sorry you had to fight a DV charge and that you were informed your course wasn’t relevant (how ironic). The criminalization of women survivors is a really, really common issue and I’m so sorry you were subject to that.

    How cool that you are going into the auto industry! We definitely need more women represented there too. You should be so proud of yourself for all you’ve accomplished. Your abuser and anyone who disbelieves you can’t take that away from you. You know the truth. “She’s the abuser” is just a story a lot of abusive men tell themselves to keep their power. Luckily, you took a lot of his away from him.

    Good luck in college, and so many of us are rooting for you!

  9. So glad you’re safe now. You did a very tough thing. You walked. That’s wonderful you found a faithful and safe partner. Wishes to you, your dogs, your partner, and your new life.

  10. You deserve a partner who wouldn’t choke, but hey, at least you’ve got that rockin’ MR2! Keep thriving!

  11. I dunno if this was coincidence or God but I have a siblings that is somewhat emotionally abusive and hearing your testimony form your abusive ex and finding progress and safety really helped me be encouraged.

    You’ve made the right choice. You’re happy again and safe.

    That’s all that matters.

    You deserve to be in a situation where you’re not afraid and unsafe rife with anxiety. You should feel free, safe, and secure. It’s good to know that your partner makes you safe at home with him. That’s a good feeling.

    I pray for continual healing throughout your life, for what it’s worth.

  15. >took a six week course called the Freedom Programme. It opened my eyes to everything that I hadn’t truly seen before.

    Wish a similar program was taught in high schools. Everyone should know how to recognize a toxic relationship.

    I am glad you were able to move on and move forward, OP

  16. ((HUGS)) Still do some therapy to ensure ex is in the rearview mirror!

    I hope you find peace!

  17. When I was 17 I was in a toxic relationship. It wasn’t physical but it was emotional abuse. I was called all kinds of names. I felt like committing suicide. I called the suicide hotline once because I felt horrible. It still is traumatizing as I think about it. But it’s ok. I’m so happy you were able to get out. As we grow, we learn. We learn to love ourselves. I’m so happy you’re here, and you found the strength to leave. You are so strong, but remember it’s ok to feel sad. You don’t have to be strong everyday. Just remember to take care of yourself, and know that you are the creator of your emotions. You will get through it, I promise you. ♥️

  18. You’re a force, keep thriving! May the MR2 be your trusty sidekick on this new journey!

  19. I’m glad you sought help. Domestic abuse counseling is one of the best things I ever did. As you said, eyes opened to things.

    I strongly encourage you to continue to or start therapy and keep working through it. It takes a toll on you and it’s difficult to put behind you.

    I was in a relationship long before meeting my SO, and I still, to this day, have to see a therapist regularly to recover from the abuse. It may be a lifelong recovery.

  20. Stay strong, ditch the toxic boyfriend, and keep rocking that MR2! Vroom vroom!

  22. Your chances of your partner killing you heighten if they have strangled you. I am so glad you made a better choice for yourself.

  23. Babydoll, thank God you’re alive.

    I get these silly Reddit notifications and it’s the middle of the night and I woke up and saw this and I was immediately awake.

    When a man chokes you he’s telling you he’s a killer. You were on the verge of being murdered. (As I’m sure you know)

    I’m sorry you experienced what you did afterward. Many times (most times) women turn to law enforcement for help and end up being victimized over and over by the abuser as well as the system.

    I was strangled several times by an abuser who turned it all around and stole my child. We are alive for a reason. If only to speak for the ones who no longer can.

    Thank God you’re ok. You know you’re not the villain. Fk the rest. Let your light shine. Thank God you’re OK.

    Be prepared that it will stay with you for the rest of your life. When we finally realized we were a lot closer to death then we knew at the time… its an aftershock that doesn’t go away with therapy (and maybe it shouldn’t go away.)

    Thank God you had another chance.

    May we never forget Gabby. And Madeline. And every woman and child murdered by the hands of wicked and evil men. Strangulation is a crime of power and silence.

    We are not objects. We are not replaceable.

  25. Similar journey here, though I’m a decade older and about a year ahead (2 years and some change since I finally got out, I left a whole-ass country lol).

    I want to express my solidarity, send my support, and add that we continue to process, unpack and heal for years. You will feel strong emotions at surprising times, for quite some time. I didn’t realize how much I had numbed myself and dissociated during the actual abuse until I started to feel safe enough in different ways to feel the emotions I previously surpressed.

    Give yourself space, be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend telling you they went through this stuff. Make sure you do things regularly just because you enjoy them, take time for yourself, and explore and try new things. You will always be the strongest version of yourself possible because you got out and saved yourself. I’m proud of you 💜

  26. Thank you for bringing me tears of happiness tonight. I love that you got out. I’m so sorry you didn’t get the justice you deserve. I love that you’re safe now and your dogs are safe and that you are getting to pursue your passion. I’m so proud of you, and so happy for you. Your past is not your entire story. You got out, and that’s such a win. <3

  29. I’m glad you’re in a better place now! But seriously, who chokes someone in an argument? That’s some next-level anger management issues.

  30. When I was 24, I was visiting my bf of 5 years who was away in grad school. We got in a bad argument and it led to him choking me against a wall. It was reallly scary. He was a really great guy for those entire 5 years. Never called me a name, never even raised his voice to me. He was supportive, kind, caring, you name it. That single incident was the end for me. I know he felt horrible about it and would have never done it again but I just couldn’t be with him again after that. We went to counseling to help him figure out what happened and work through it but it was just over.

  31. Sorry you went through this it sounds like you might have ptsd. Look up EMDR therapy as a treatment, it will help you process the memory and truly move on.

  33. So glad to read that you’ve made your way to a better place, OP.

    I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship in my early 20s, after coming to a realization that things were not going to get better, and would eventually escalate, and that I was so miserable that I felt like the end I could see coming in the future was going to come from me, if not him.

    Sitting at the table, having that realization, was the worst I’d ever felt in my life. I told that story to people several times, over the years, for various reasons, and that’s how I always talked about it.

    And…a little over 10 years after that happened, when I was reading a similar story on reddit, my mind went, “…Oh. Oh yeah, something like that happened to me, once.”

    BECAUSE I’D FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT.

    One of the most defining moments of my life, for *years,* had just…faded into the background. And when I remembered it, I didn’t feel a rush of fear, or pain. I didn’t feel much of anything, except, “Huh. Wow. That’s weird.” And then, “Well, I guess that’s what healing feels like.”

    I still feel a little fidgety, when I visit the town where we lived, wondering if I’ll run into him. But when I have dreams about being with him again, or still being with him, my dream self often reacts with disgust, with anger. I yell, I push back with my whole heart, the walls shake and the doors blow down and I’m out of there. Or I roll my eyes and just #NOPE my way to something else.

    Something is just really different. I guess this is what healing feels like. And I think you might feel that, one day. 🙂

  34. I wonder if you killed him after he physically assaulted you, in your own home with plenty of evidence, what would’ve happened

    don’t people kill others in public at the gas station and get away with it.

    really, it happens constantly because police don’t give a damn about you, them or doing too much paperwork. It’s clear your ex is gonna kill some poor woman since strangulation is almost a guaranteed precursor to it. The police should know it and they even might but from their actions we all know the ones in this case don’t care.

    Nobody cares about your life more than you.

  35. I am so happy for you! I am glad you got the happy ending in this story, you deserve it! <3

  37. I’m so glad for you. Fwiw, it only gets better. My good friend in grad school was in a similar situation with a former classmate of ours, but ultimately got out after a legal case. Her first year or so was harder than she wanted, but 5 years later, her only question seems to be why she ever bothered with her ex. Today she’s married with two kids and living happily in a suburb on the east coast. (Meanwhile, the former classmate has been unemployed for the last 4 years…)

    You will get there too. Know that society as a whole is rooting for you!

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