Almost two months ago, in early May, I was assaulted by a complete stranger when I was walking to my car at night after partying with my friends at a club. I won’t go into details about the assault, but it involved me being s\*xually assaulted and having to spend a night in the hospital for a concussion. I still blame myself for being drunk and not asking one of my friends to walk with me to my uber pick up spot. Not to mention it was like 1 in the morning, so ever since I have blamed myself for putting myself in the circumstances of allowing it to happen.
The assault has left me with severe anxiety, and I haven’t had sex with my boyfriend since because I start to have panic attack symptoms that debilitate me. This has annoyed my boyfriend, and I have tried to tell him that it has nothing to do with him, but he will still say things like “why are you acting like I’m the one who did it?”. I think that my boyfriend also has resentment towards me because he also says things like “well, I told you that I didn’t like you partying in the first place” and it just makes me feel so much worse. I have developed this deep fear of being physically alone, and my parents aren’t around. My mom lives in a different state and my dad (who I live with) travels every week for work. I will sometimes ask my boyfriend if I could stay the night at his place, and of course when I first started asking he thought it was sexual, but when he found out that I just wanted to cuddle up next to him and feel warm and safe, he got annoyed.
Now he’s seems to be mocking me and told me tonight to “buy a teddy bear” because he’s busy. I totally understand that he needs his space, so instead I’m staying with a friend, but I just don’t understand where his hostility is coming from.My entire life seems to be collapsing, and I don’t know how to deal with it. What are some things that I can do to stabilize my relationship before it falls apart too?
37 comments
It is so, so hard for me to not use pet names for you right now. All I want to do is start a sentence tho My Darling – My Love – My Dear – Oh honey, – etc.
What you have been through breaks my heart for you. My first instinct, it is to comfort you. I wish I could wrap you up in an Aunty hug and tell you all about every way you are going to get through not being okay right now.
I need you to read these words. To recognize that I am a stranger, on Reddit – who does not know you or understand what the best way to comfort you is. To recognize that he is not even doing what a stranger is willing to do.
I need you to realize that what I am writing is beyond the bare minimum that people in real life need to be showing you. That your boyfriend is not loving you or supporting in not only the way that you deserve, but in the way that a relationship demands of him.
I am furious for you in so many ways. Please, if you need support or to let go for hours or for any kind of emotional support someone can offer – _send me a message._
I have been there. I understand (not in details, but at its core) what it’s like to be assaulted. I may not be able to help, but I can lend some strength when you feel like you don’t have any of your own.
I want for you to have all the love and support in the world. Count this message as some of it, if you can.
I highly suggest counseling for you. You’ve been traumatized and are internalizing it. And bring your boyfriend to a session so the therapist can help him understand he does need to be a comfort to you now. If he won’t go, I would leave him. He’s going to make the problem worse. Best of luck to you.
OP first all I’m sorry that happened to you. Secondly, your partner is being extremely immature and taking your reaction on a personal level.
“but when he found out that I just wanted to cuddle up next to him and feel warm and safe” <— why the heck should he be annoyed?
Honest to goodness he just sexually frustrated while making himself be a complete asshole by taking it out on you. I mean there’s having an honest conversation to make him realize he’s being a dick or leave him to find someone who actually is compassionate about your situation. Like, how would you tolerate it if a friend did this to you?
That being said, you don’t actually owe him anything as his behavior shows he’s not empathetic at all. Like, if I was your partner I’d be asking what I can do to support you. Sex is the absolute last thing on my mind.
Please get some therapy for this trauma. It is really important to get it sooner rather than later. Your state should have a Crime Victim’s fund to pay for the therapy.
Also you need to stop your self-talk that tells you this is your fault, you shouldn’t have been doing this or that, should have had someone walk you to your car, or done something else. That is a reflection of our culture that used to victim blame.
The panic attacks are awful, but are normal because they are caused by your primitive brain trying to protect you, like you are a cave woman faced with a sabre-tooth tiger. You get adrenaline surges so you can fight or run, they build up and erupt into a panic attack. My psychiatrist said it is like trying to hold a ball filled with air under water in a pool. Sooner or later you lose control and the ball shoots up into the air. Google The Doctors show on Panic Attacks and they explain and show some ways to stop them, by hugging yourself by crossing your arms holding under your shoulders, then rubbing up and down the length of your arms. Another is taking off your shoes and standing on the ground.
See if you can rotate staying with friends for awhile.
I’ve been there. This man is not a partner. Our relationships are a team and someone who loves you will not mock you after surviving a violent crime. He’s being cruel to you on purpose.
Toss him out. He’s not supportive and you’re not any safer.
Dump that asshole
A partner is supposed to be somewhat a precursor to marriage “…to comfort her…” if he’s “annoyed “ at this then you need to dump him. This is only a small preview of his lack of empathy. Then get into therapy for your trauma.
I am so sorry this happened to you. This boyfriend is selfish, cruel, and will probably never really be a grown man mentally. It’s not you—it’s definitely him.
Please get therapy. You deserve better than a victim-blaming boyfriend who only cares about his dick.
He really doesn’t give an ass hair’s width of a fuck about you. Holy shit.
Why would you want to stay with someone who treats you like this???
Try counselling and include him so he’s part of the healing process. Seems like he doesn’t know how to “handle this situation” so use this as an educational tool for him.
Sorry you have to go through this.
He is acting like a cruel child, get help and take care of yourself, your well being is a top priority, hang in there and stay strong
Your boyfriend absolutely didn’t understand what you are dealing with mentally and is self centered. Your panic attacks have nothing to do with him as you say. You got a trauma and your brain reacts to triggers similarly to them on the incident. Normally you would lust link with pleasure. After the SA your brain links it with pain, anxiety, to be helpless,…. .
You would need a Boyfriend who understands this and as example when you try to sleep with him and get a panic attack don’t react with being personally offended but taking you in his arms carefully, calms you down and GIVES YOU THE FEELING OF BEING SAVE! That no harm awaits you. Your brain needs to readjust to it. It is still switching into alarm mode when entering a sexual situation.
Any normal person understands your view. You were the victim of a heinous crime and need time and space to heal.
In perfect circumstances, you would be dating someone mature and empathetic.
But in your case you are dating 23 year old. While some may be mature, the vast maturity of people under 25 and still kids in many ways. Your brain doesn’t stop developing until 25.
So he’s either being atypical selfish young man. Or he’s mad about what happened and you’re easy to blame since you put yourself in a dangerous position. It’s sad, but this is how some people are.
It’s also apparent you’re not thinking clearly. You’re scared and don’t want to be alone right now, but I mean think about it. Do you really want to date a guy who has no empathy for an assault victim? I mean he sounds pretty awful.
Yikes. First, I’d seek some therapy for your trauma. It seems like you’re blaming yourself at that can be an extremely damaging mindset. It’s healthy to understand “your part” and take accountability to make sure you don’t put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation again, but it’s not healthy to fully blame yourself. What happened was not at all your fault. Wether you “put yourself” in that situation or not was not an invitation for someone to assault you. Sexual assault is never the victims fault.
Your boyfriends striking lack of empathy is seriously concerning. You were sexually assaulted two months ago and all he’s concerned about is sex? And the fact that you feeling safe with him makes him annoying is a major red flag. Imo you should throw the man out. He shows very little care for your well-being and having him in your life is going to make healing much, much harder. Most guys would find it complimentary if their girlfriend felt safe with them. Most guys wouldn’t even try to have sex with you so close to an assault for fear of your well-being. Your boyfriend has his priorities all kind of wrong.
*You understand he needs his space?* WTAF?! You were sexually assaulted and his only response is “I told you so” and annoyance? Because he’s *busy*. What a pathetic POS. SA is *never* the victim’s fault. It is 100% on the perpetrator.
If you’ve not begun to see a therapist, you should consider it to help you work through the self blame and the fear of being alone. I completely understand not wanting anything else to fall apart right now, but my God, your boyfriend is worthless. You deserve so much better than a self-centered man-child.
Your bf is simply an ass and he isn’t mature enough to deal with this situation at all. He either needs to grow up, or you need to say goodbye.
Your boyfriend is a heartless asshole. He can’t and won’t protect you. He does not understand your needs. My boyfriend doesn’t either, which is why I’m planning my exit. Don’t make my mistake. Men are capable of love and respect and they still exist in this world. Dump this loser for a real man who will take care of you. The longer we stay with these boys reduces our chances of finding the right partner
OP, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. None of it is you fault. I think, when you find more empathy from strangers on Reddit than you do from your bf, it’s fair to take a long, hard look at the person you are dating. I’ve been married for 30 years and I can tell you it’s during those really horrible parts of life that you truly see the person you are with. They are either a partner at that time and they work to take some of the pain from you or they add to your pain. Your bf is adding to your pain. I don’t think you should be trying to stabilize a relationship with someone who won’t offer you his support at this critical time. Break up or ignore him, but please concentrate on your healing. If you haven’t looked at therapy for SA survivors, try it. It can help you refute that negative voice in your head. You always deserve a choice as to whether to have sex with someone. It doesn’t matter if you were drunk, the time of day, or anything. That choice was taken from you because a criminal decided to take it. Big hug.
Your boyfriend is a cunt. Drop the rope and get into therapy asap. It’s your rapist’s fault you got raped. Nobody else.
You need to heal before you are capable of being in a relationship. It would be best to cut ties with your BF on your terms and get back to a happy place in your life.
As many others have said, definitely seek therapy for the trauma and try to stop blaming yourself for what happened. Yes there are things you could have done that could have lowered the odds of this happening and things you can do to lower the odds of it happening in the future, but you aren’t responsible for the reprehensible actions of another person. No one deserves what you went through regardless of what precautions they did or didn’t take.
As for your boyfriend’s behavior he definitely shouldn’t be mocking you. The change in the relationship dynamics can be hard for him and he has every right to not be comfortable with them, but he shouldn’t be abusing you over it.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He is not the one for you, your partner should want to help you feel safe – period.
Would you ever want your daughter to be with a man who will not support her after she is assaulted? Leave that garbage little boy right now
Your boyfriend doesn’t care about you besides if he can use your body too. Drop the dead weight, he’s a loser. You’re better off
And what happened to you was in absolutely no way, shape, or form your fault. If I had told you that I was walking to my car in the parking lot alone after partying and I was assaulted, would you think “well you shouldn’t have put yourself in those circumstances”? If not, then you shouldn’t think the same thing about yourself.
1st, do not blame yourself. It is NOT your fault.
2nd, how could he be annoyed to be supporting you after a traumatic event?
3rd, you really should seek therapy to help you cope with your SA
4th, I would consider if this guy is really the one for you.
I am truly sorry for what happened to you. No one should ever have to go thru that. I wish you good luck with everything in your life moving forward.
what happened to you wasn’t your fault and your boyfriends behavior is despicable
None of this was your fault. And you will continue to have anxiety as long as your partner is in your life. Please seek therapy and try to lean on friends instead for support. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Please, dump him. He’s totally selfish acting like that when you’ve been assaulted. Expecting sex is so low of him. You need warmth, and someone who actually cares for you and is willing to put your needs first until you feel better.
Hey! This is NOT normal. You deserve someone who actually supports you. I have no doubt in my mind that if i were assaulted at some point in the future, my husband would go literally *years* without sex, with zero complaints, if thats what i needed.
Find someone else, soon!
This is not your fault. Any man that would look at you while in pain and vulnerable and treat you with disdain is NOT the man you should spend your life with. What a piece of trash. You deserve better.
I was treated similarly by a man who i called crying after an attempted rape. I had a broken nose and I was on my way to the hospital. He blamed me for “getting myself in that situation.” He did not comfort me or offer support. Later I found out he was cheating on me with a bunch of people, including my best friend, and used my assault as one of his excuses.
A man who has no compassion for your situation now is not going to soften up as time goes on. He’s a POS and is going to harbor resentment about this and use it as an excuse to treat you badly. It’s going to hurt qt first, but you need to get out of this relationship.
You’re likely better off leaving the relationship and getting therapy. This will take time to heal.
Quite honestly it sounds like bf is mad that you did something he advised wasn’t a good idea and this happened. I’m not sure if he is mad at himself for not being there to stop it, or mad at you for “putting yourself in an unsafe situation”.
He is likely also sexually frustrated which circles back to the anger issues described above.
I’m not saying he is right and you’re wrong, merely answering your question of where it’s coming from.
You sound like you need to take some time and just focus on your recovery.
You may wanna reconsider the relationship, especially since this is how he acts toward you, a 🍇 victim.
Your I-hope-soon-to-be-ex doesn’t care that you got assaulted, mocked you, and blamed you. You don’t need permission from Internet strangers to break up with him.
Can you move back in with one of your parents for a short time? Or at least stay with friends?
And another thing. Sending you virtual hugs, and hell, I’ll mail you a teddy bear if you want. Seriously.
YIKES YIKES YIKES your bf is a horrible person
>What are some things that I can do to stabilize my relationship before it falls apart too?
Why? there is zero reason to fight for a man like this.
DUMP. HIM. He’s selfish. Not for you.
He doesn’t care about you, just having sex with you.