My wife and I have been married for nearly 8 years. We have our normal ups and downs raising 6 year old twins. I have a very high sex drive and she doesn’t. Mostly due to severe endometriosis. It’s so bad she does not want to have sex because of the pain. We still try every now and then but now even she she has an orgasm it causes tremendous pain.
She basically just told me sex is over. She’s unwilling to do anything physical and or intimate.
I can’t imagine life without her or my family as I know it. But the thought of being starved of all physical/emotional intimacy and passion puts me in a dark, dark place.
Not sure what I’m looking for here but I had to get it off my chest.
18 comments
Is she saying it’s the end of all physical and emotional intimacy? Is she willing to do sexual things for you? Is she still interested in hugging, kissing, and cuddling?
This condition is no joke, but isn’t it treatable?
Can she go on hormonal birth control? Docs like to give that to alleviate painful periods because they suck at medicine (especially women’s health), but it could provide some relief. The endo is fed by estrogen.
Not even emotional intimacy? My heart goes out to her for having to deal with such a challenging disorder, but she just expects you to accept that you will be nothing more than roommates for the rest of your lives?
If it’s that bad will they not offer her a hysterectomy? I feel for her! Obviously I feel for you too, I have a very high libido also and intimacy is incredibly important to me, but I also understand where your wife is coming from (I’ve had a hysterectomy). You have twins, I know the docs may be total assholes about her age, but there are reddits that will help if SHE wants to pursue the option for her health (For the love of all the is holy man, if you bring this up, DO NOT MAKE IT ABOUT YOU OR SEX)
From what you’ve described about what your wife said to you, she sounds like she is maybe depressed. It also sounds like you are a kind, supportive husband, but I think you and her should consider counseling. Both of you have valid reasons/feelings for what you’re going through right now and talking it through could help her understand your side and be more willing to try other things since sex is painful.
I have severe endo as well and it has a huge impact on my sex life and my mental health. My husband is understanding and I will do stuff for him, but I know it’s hard for him too. It’s a difficult place to be for sure.
This is so hard and I’m so sorry for both of you.
Is she open to you having a sexual partner outside the marriage? Are you?
I have diaphragmatic endometriosis (very severe condition that causes the uterine lining to grow outside the uterus, often on the lungs, gallbladder, pancreas, etc.) so I can understand how she feels to an extent. ~~Not sure if that’s what’s going on with your wife, but~~ endometriosis is terribly painful and can’t really be resolved after a certain point. I remember I started to fear something was very wrong when my period was causing referred shoulder pain and lung pain. I am a major hypochondriac so my fear that something was wrong drove me to seek medical advice, which led to me learning I had the condition and promptly getting an IUD placed. It resolved my pain because I simply stopped having periods, thus no uterine lining grows anywhere in general. ~~Again, not sure what’s going on with your wife, since with endometriosis, usually intercourse/penetration is what is painful.~~
Endometriosis sucks ~~and I’m sure what your wife has going on does too~~. Just be patient and ask her if she’d be willing to look into procedures to help (at least partially) resolve the issue, for both of your sakes. Not to mention, she’ll be much happier if she feels good. Someone already mentioned this, but hysterectomies are a common response to this type of issue.
Best of luck to you both!
I’m sure she’s beyond frustrated with his condition too. She really should find a counselor or therapist to talk to. Because it sounds like she’s throwing in the towel and giving up. Okay fine, no PIV sex, but there’s so many other fun things out there to do, there’s also all of the non-sexual stuff like making out, cuddling, etc. Is she saying all of that is off the table, too?
Unpopular take but she’s 100% allowed to say no to it all, but you are 100% allowed to walk away. What good would it do it stay and stick through it if it puts you mentally in a dark place?
Reading through your other comments, my guess is she’s unwilling to pursue medical intervention at this time because sex has hurt for so long, she doesn’t even want to want sex anymore. If every time you had sex you got kicked in the testicles, you’d probably have a 100% negative association with it.
She needs to get medical intervention here. There really aren’t enough treatment options for this condition and it sucks, but there are options and she owes it to herself and to you to just talk to a few specialists to find out what options there are. You mentioned she’s already had surgery, she should get consults with at least 3 specialists to find out what her options are at this point. As a side note, ovaries are generally what cause the tissue to grow outside the uterus rather than the uterus itself, BUT removing ovaries should be an absolute last resort because it can shorten her lifespan significantly at this age. It raises the risk of Alzheimers up to 70%, dramatically increases rates of heart disease and osteoporosis, so removing ovaries is extremely high risk at this age. Getting consults with at least 3 doctors will help her get more options and also ensure she’s getting the best info.
AFTER she gets some options, it might be good to talk to a sex therapist together and if you think she is also dealing with depression encourage her to talk to an individual therapist as well.
I can understand how her condition makes PIV unbearable for her. I think that it is fair for her to refuse to have painful sex which doesn’t seem to be good for you anyway.
However, I don’t think it is fair for her to expect you to go without ANY intimacy at all. Even emotional intimacy, or some type of assistance in the bedroom which doesn’t cause pain for her. Personally, I think that is a very reasonable compromise. I think it is extremely selfish of her to shut down the whole business because one operating unit is not doing well.
It also sounds like there is a potential way for her to relieve herself of this daily pain which she is not considering. I have had several friends who have had hysterectomies for various reasons, including cancer prevention and endo. It was not easy for any of them, but all of them said in the end, they have a better quality of life, and they do not regret it. Your wife says this won’t solve her problem, but why not? Says who? Is this her analysis, or are medical professionals saying this? I think you should find out. I’m not saying removing a uterus is a small thing and doesn’t cause other issues, like vaginal dryness and loss of libido, but there are treatments and solutions for these problems if a person wants to resolve them. Just ruling it out based on her assessment if it is not backed by doctors isn’t acceptable to me.
My assessment is that she is facing some challenges which aren’t her fault, but she isn’t considering your needs in this marriage at all it seems. She isn’t doing all she can to help you. I don’t think she is behaving like a loving wife.
As for what you should do, well that depends. I don’t think a life without her = a life without your family. Your children will always be your children, regardless of your marriage. I know it isn’t the same as having a family unit, but it isn’t the all or nothing situation you seem to be making it out to be. You are going to have to decide what you are willing to trade off to keep the family unit intact. You can stay and accept what she is offering, but then you can’t be angry with her that you made that decision.
It is justified to seek a divorce in your situation. It isn’t about the endo and PIV, it is the overall shutting down of all intimacy that is unacceptable to me. Those are very reasonable needs to expect to have met in a marriage.
It is perfectly reasonable to tell her that you accept her medical situation, but you don’t accept her total shut down, and that you need marriage counseling to talk about how you can take these lemons and make some lemonade. She has to be willing to meet you half way. There has to be a compromise that could work for both of you, if you are both willing to work it! Try going to MC and working on figuring out a solution, at least then you will have tried all you can…
I’m sorry you both are going thru this. I can relate but unfortunately have no real advice. Am hoping others might give some Neosil direction.
My wife has similar GYN problems that cause severe pain down there. Procedures to alleviate or reduce the pain are not 100% and Insurance has not helped (denied her several times).
She too has largely eliminated any intimacy and hasn’t offered alternatives. I feel so bad for her. But i am also high libido. We were very intimate the first 17 years of our marriage. The last 3 have been completely dead bedroom and I’m suffering (in the intimacy department as is she (painfully, no less). Talk about going 60 to 0. Uggg. I can actually tell that i feel great compassion for her but the spark that was there 17 years is barely an ember. I hate that fact because i truly love my wife.
Wishing you and your wife all the best.
I realize you are young and it seems like a death sentence for intimacy, but it doesn’t have to be. You and your wife can build intimacy in a way that is your own. Granted, I’m much older, but “sex” is not on the table for my husband and I primarily due to his health issues. We’ve only been married for 4 years, but I knew this going into the relationship. Find ways to please her that won’t hurt her, she can get creative with you also. KEEP THE PHYSICAL CONTACT!! Be it a hug, kiss, a hand on her back, spooning, just laying in bed looking into each other’s eyes while facing each other and talking. The little things. If my husband passes me in the kitchen, hall, etc and doesn’t touch my butt, then something is wrong. Lol. I’m shy, but I surprised my husband on our honeymoon by dragging him into an adult store to pick out some “toys” together. Even if things didn’t work the way we hoped, it was fun trying.
It’s going to be hard for both of you but keep the commitment, love and expressions of love alive.
I have endo as well. Mine only improved after laparoscopic ablation and excision and even then it returned a few years later. I was told by my OBGYN that even a hysterectomy can have limited success as the lesions/adhesions can continue to grow due to still having a hormonal cycle (that is if it is only a partial hysterectomy and not a full; generally they like to leave the ovaries as it is a protective factor against heart disease). I’m so sorry, I feel for both you and your wife. I’m sure if she could have pain free intimacy, it would still be with you and no one else. There is also Lupron and hormonal BC to try and manage the symptoms.
If you had anyone to blame, lay the responsibility with our barbaric medical system, that still operates within the stone ages for women’s health.
My wife just finished radiation treatment for colon cancer 6 months ago. Our intercourse life is over. Scare tissue in her vigina. Really no solution for this issue. Not so much an issue for her as there’s so many ways for her to get off. Manly effects me being my primary source of getting off. But she’s alive. But this guy I think they need therapy.
Intimacy is critical. To a happy marriage. It comes not need to involve penetrative sex (due to her pain) nor her giving you oral sex (which appears to disgust her). I am in the same boat with my beautiful wife for about 15 years now. She was afraid of intimacy because she was afraid I mat try pushing the envelope and unintentionally causing her pain.
After a while, Iet her know I understood and her and that her love meant more to me than anything. I said that I desire nobody else and that our marriage could thrive, but not as it currently was.
I went on to say that I would never attempt penetrative sex nor try guilt her into providing oral. However restoring emotional intimacy and physical intimacy minus the 2 issues is a must and not optional for our marriage.
I took the lead. I tell her I love her and how beautiful she is every day. We start and end every day with a passionate kiss. I help her with many things she would do on her own without being asked or expecting something in return. Do not do it with any expectation other than to make her happy. Before long, she will reciprocate and it will must become your new norm. The change in attitude will be amazing for you both.
We go out on a weekly date night. Just the two of us so we can focus on each other. We do fun stuff we both enjoy and hold hands and kiss in public. We always include dinner where we talk and actively listen to each other. We always end the evening with intimacy. It started slowly at first with snuggling, kissing, etc. As she felt secure that I would do as committed, she progressively loosened up. We are able to satisfy one another very well and she looks forward to the after date sexual intimacy as well as the emotional and physical intimacy we experience daily with one another.
We have been a committed couple 51 years and we are both very happy.
In my opinion, there is no such thing as a status quo in a marriage. It either gets better or worse. The variable is the speed. And if you do nothing… it always goes in the wrong direction. It is like a garden. Tend to it daily and it will feed you for life. Ignore it, and the weeds take over. A good marriage takes work… otherwise you become complacent and take each other for granted, which often leads to making some very bad decisions… some of which are marriage ending.
You both need therapy. You also need an intimacy/sex therapist.
“She’s never really been interested in that stuff in general. It’s an issue in itself but now it’s simply all gone”.
What exactly is gone? Sexual relations or intimacy of any kind? Because from reading your post and subsequent comments, it doesn’t seem like your wife is interested in much of anything to do with sex or intimacy with you. There might be a more serious problem? I dunno, but it doesn’t sound like a healthy communication situation.