UPDATE: I’m going to delete this post soon. I trust my boyfriend fully, he’s a wonderful man. Im going to trust that this is case of not wanting to jeopardize his divorce in any way. I can and need to respect that. It’s not worth bringing up…however I do need to proceed with caution.
My boyfriend (39M) and I (32F) have been dating for one wonderful year. I have been divorced for a few years and he is currently separated. His ex is stalling with the paperwork and we expect it to be completed in around six months from now, best case scenario. His ex has also been dating someone for over a year. Our relationship has been stable, loving and trustful thus far.
​
It gave me pause when a few months in he didn’t want to add me to his social page but reluctantly did so that I ‘wouldn’t feel suspicious or wonder why not’. He is very active on there however he doesn’t post, only very rarely. Around 6 months in I asked him if we could become ‘online official’ and update our relationship status and he mostly avoided the topic but said “when we do, we’ll have a lot of nice pictures to share.”
​
A couple of months ago I asked him again if we could share a hint of our relationship on social media because I want to share this exciting time in my life with everyone else. I shared with him that it made me feel a bit hidden that we couldn’t yet. He stated that it “would be in bad taste” before his divorce was fully official. I have met his parents and they are lovely, so that eased my mind a little. I have also briefly met his ex. I am just confused that he is so excited to move in together and start this new chapter in our lives – yet will not add any hint of our relationship to social media. I asked wouldn’t it be in bad taste, then, to live together before it’s official? His answer was no, as long as all finances are separated and the paperwork is at least submitted.
​
My question is this: Am I being naïve or is am I just allowing my anxiety to take over?
TLDR: My boyfriend was hesitant to add me on social and won’t add any hint of our relationship still after a year of dating, even though we are moving in together soon.
33 comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
—
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
—
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It makes sense that you’re bothered. Your expectation is appropriate!
I think there is something very strange here, so what is he hiding?
One year dating, he present you to his parents, he wants to live together and at the same time he doesn’t want anyone to know.
MMM . . . I don’t know Rick, it seems suspicious
Are you sure you’re not a Friend with Benefits and soon to be roommate with benefits?
I mean, it’s win win for him, share expenses, he doesn’t have to drive to or from your home and he has access to sex 24/7.
You should ask him why he doesn’t want to everybody knows about you and him, and also i think you shouldn’t move in togheter util that happens.
And don’t accept his BS, ask him for the real reason.
Good Luck
PS: sorry about my english
I was in this situation myself. My boyfriend moved in about 4 months before my divorce was finalized. We did not share our relationship on social media until about two months afterward. Don’t take it personally. He’s doing what he needs to do to get his divorce finalized without a wrench put in that process. In my state, if you are not officially divorced, your are still technically married. You can’t date during this time- it’s actually considered adultery. Social media posts are submissible evidence in court. If she wanted to, she could use that against him and really wreck his life. The laws may be different in your state. Mine is a bit old fashioned in that regard.
Moving in together is a far bigger commitment and step in your relationship than posting about it on facebook or whatever.
He is bad news. He is likely playing you. Don’t live with him. Unless he buys a house; puts you on it, and pay for everything. There’s a reason he’s getting divorced. My brother is like this, I’ve seen many men do this. You’re likely just the flavor of today. I have refused to meet any more of his girlfriends because it feels icky to me now. I make them feel like they’ve met his family, like everything is okay, but it’s absolutely not. I know he’s going to break their hearts. He’s also lovely, the sweetest to them, travels the world with them, moves in with them. Then gets bored and moves on. Do not let him in your house.
Ok, #1 your bf is nearly 40 and your win your 30s, wth is “online official”. I’ve been in a relationship for over 3 years…my “relationship status” on Facebook has been “it’s complicated” for nearly 10 years and I’ve posted photos with my bf 2 – 3 (as part of a collage of photos). Not everything has to be on social media to make it “official”.
With that said, why don’t YOU post pictures of you and you bf online and change YOUR relationship status to “in a relationship with him” and see how he responds, that’s the true test. While I rarely posted pics with my bf, there was NEVER a “don’t do that” direction…
Don’t move him in. He is hiding you. If it was bad taste to announce the two of you then it would be bad to be dating you at all before the divorce. For all you know she’s not stalling and he is trying to make it work out with her but has you there in case he can’t make it work with her. You meeting the parents means nothing. That’s their son so of course they would cover for him. Are you sure he didn’t just get a new Fb account? I know someone who has been in a relationship with someone for like 15 years. They have a house and children together. If you ask her he is divorced. But it turns out that he is actually married and has a house and kids with his wife. Everyone knew he was married everyone. She met his family, friends coworkers. No one told her he was married. No on told the wife he had a mistress. Instead everyone helped him. If he has a party she got there early with the kids and then they leave early. He will tell them he is going to help me the clean up and catch up. Instead after she leaves his wife and their kids show up. What finally happened her youngest child ended up in our daycare class. Turns out his grandchild through marriage ended up in the same class. She found out and left him last I heard his wife still didn’t know. Don’t be this lady. He is hiding you for a reason.
Eep girl something stinks here. I would pump the breaks on moving in with him and get some answers about why he feels the need to hide you. I’m not super big on social media but if he’s as active on it as you say he is it seems rather odd to go out of his way to hide you from his social.
Not sure why he thinks it’s in bad taste to post photos or give any indication he’s dating since you’ve already met his family, his soon-to-be ex has been in a relationship for a year, and you guys are already talking about moving in together.
Something isn’t right here. I’d dig a little deeper to find the real reason he’s hiding his relationship with you. You deserve to be with someone that is proud to be with you. Good luck OP
EDIT: editing to ask a few questions. What’s his financial status? Is he moving in to your current living space? Are you guys finding a place together? Trying to gauge if he could be using you for other reasons.
There may be someone out there that will not date him until he’s legally divorced with proof. He’s got everything to gain from leaving his options open while using you. I would start setting some standards for myself, because something is off.
Don’t do it.
Well, it seems like your boyfriend is just trying to keep his options open on social media, like a secret agent or something.
What’s the hold up on the paperwork? Like it’s not even filed yet or the ex spouse won’t sign the divorce papers or comply with requests for documents from your bf’s attorney?
Hellllllllll no. He is acting weird and dont reward that behavior with letting him move in with you.
Well, it seems like your boyfriend is treating social media like it’s some kind of secret agent mission. Maybe he’s just camera shy or maybe he’s secretly a superhero. Who knows?
One year is too fast to move in. He isn’t divorced yet and he is hiding your relationship. He isn’t fully committed to you.
Once you move in, you will be pretty anchored to him. Do you really want to quickly anchor yourself to a guy who isn’t legally available and isn’t being fully honest about the social media stuff? What happens if he never gets divorced? If he never takes your relationship public? If he is less than honest about other things?
If he is the guy for you, he will understand wanting to wait a few years to move in. If you want to be a a replacement bangmaid, by all means move in with him.
Oh yay. One I actually may have some useful insight on. I was in a very similar situation several years ago from the man going through a divorce side. My ex and I had been married for 9 years, together for 15, 2 kids. Long story short we simply weren’t compatible. She was a cheater. She asked for the divorce and had no interest in working through our differences. Anyway, the divorce process was a pain in ass. I was wanting to do everything evenly and fairly without incurring thousands in lawyer fees. 50/50 split on possessions and 50/50 custody and time with the kids. She hired some hot shot lawyer and dragged out the whole thing longer than needed to happen.
Anyway, during that time I decided to try my hand at dating. I wasn’t really expecting or trying to find anything serious, I just wanted to go on some casual dates, meet new people and get over my anxiety of dating. I hadn’t ever really “dated” as an adult because my ex and I were together since high school. However, I rather quickly found and fell head over heels for a girl. Our first date was just a little over a month after my ex walked out and asked for a divorce. 2 months later we were moving in together. Needless to say, it that all happened way faster than we expected or that most people find appropriate. We just told each other “When you know, you know. You know?”
Early on in the relationship it was tough and awkward at times because I was still “legally” married. It wasn’t awkward between my partner and I everything between us just felt right from the start. It was more awkward for the other people in our lives, and the questioning and pressure that resulted. Friends and family on both our sides found our situation very weird and borderline inappropriate since I was still “technically married.” I was hesitant, as well, early on making our relationship “Facebook official” Not because I was hiding anything from her or that I was somehow holding on to my past life, but instead because I just didn’t want to deal with all of the extended family and friends who would question our relationship. I was dealing with enough navigating a divorce where I didn’t get screwed out of equal time with my kids and navigating a new relationship. I just simply didn’t want feel the eyes of the rest of my world starring at us, judging us and questioning our relationship.
That’s all in the past now. My divorce was completed about a year into our relationship. We are now almost 4 years happily married and best friends. Both of our families love and support us despite our relationship’s unconventional beginning.
No, don’t do it. You are most likely a rebound. He wants to replace wife one with wife two without ever being in his own. If it’s going to last, it will last another year. After he’s been in his own for a while (at least a year), then I would consider it. Not before then.
Sounds like he misses having a wife to take care of him.
Don’t do it.
Yeah don’t let him move in, there something very off.. if both are in new relationships and separated what the hell does it have to do with anyone else if he posts you.
Simply tell him if your not ready to show everyone your in a new committed relationship then I don’t think we should move in together.
I’d honey cut back on my interactions with him altogether.
Slowly spend less less time with him answer his call messages less and less, until he gets the hint that if he doesn’t want to fully commit to you he doesn’t get the full gf..
Sounds like he realised that being separated means he actually has to be a parent so he wants a live in maid/babysitter he ca fu#k until the real deal comes along… and if he hasn’t posted you and told his friends .. it never really happened 🤷🏻♀️ right
There might not be anything nefarious going on, but something is off. I would suggest not taking the relationship further (don’t move in together) for the time being. Like you said if he’s hiding you away because it’s not appropriate until the divorce is finalized, then I’d wait till the divorce is finalized to move in together. There’s just an odd vibe from him.
I think it’s a bad idea for him to move in with you if he is uncomfortable mentioning you on social media. Actually, I think you need to date for at least a year after his divorce. Your comment that his wife is stalling on paperwork is concerning, even if she does openly have a boyfriend.
I wouldn’t move in together. He’s likely hiding something.
Is he hoping his ex will change her mind? It could be that, or a million things. He needs to give you better reasoning.
His life is still a mess. Dating might be fine, but I think living together is too much, especially with him keeping you at arms distance.
Edit: used wrong gender
Why are you “dating” someone who is going through a divorce… This is text book why you don’t. Because he’s literally trying to hide you because of “bad taste”. Then If that’s the case he should have been an adult and waited to persue you AFTER that ink was dry. Because now he got you playing hide and seek with ya’lls relationship. Its not normal to hide people, places, or things that you are supposedly committed too.
If it’s in poor taste to change your online relationship status then it’s in poor taste to move in together. His excuse makes no sense because then by that logic changing his online status wouldn’t be in poor taste either as long as finances are separated and paperwork submitted.
Just tell him you’ll feel better about moving in once he starts posting you.Moving in is definitely a bigger step than posting someone on Facebook or Instagram.
That being said, I’m super private about my love life. So if my husband and I divorced, I also would have a difficult time to put a new partner online for everyone to see. People are nosy and I wouldn’t be eager to open myself up to a bunch of questions.
But if my partner really wanted me to, I would do it for them.
He actually has a valid point regarding it being in poor taste. However, the deciding factor would be if his soon to be ex-wife is out with her new relationship on social media or not. If she is official on social media with her new relationship then there’s no reason he shouldn’t be with his. If she is not out on social media with her new relationship then his stance has validity.
Reading this post has something in the back of my mind saying “uh-oh.” He’s giving excuses for not being up front and proud about being with you over social media. Maybe it’s my overly suspicious mind, but could there be someone else he is interested in pursuing?
My less suspicious self says there’s also a chance, since his ex is dragging out the process, that she might be something of a nightmare and could cause him difficulty if she thinks he may be serious about you. But then if that’s the case, it’s an argument for not moving in together as well.
Don’t surrender 100% of your freedom in order to receive 50% of a commitment.
As a man in the middle of a divorce, you almost have to look perfect in a judge’s eyes. I understand his hesitancy. I’m in the process after 22 years. My ex-wife is already in a new relationship. My lawyer still says to keep my nose clean and not start a relationship or post any thing on social media. Give him a little bit of a break until divorce is final.
Here is my take. If your are uncomfortably with him moving in or are not excited about it, wait. My divorce took forever to finalize and we didn’t even have kids, Covid shut down came into play as well as my ex being a total asshole. I dated my person for 10 mos and although my divorce wasn’t final I wanted him to move in. However, I did NOT want him brag posting or anything like that on his social media. Reason being my ex was an asshole and would do whatever he could to destroy my life. We have been together for over 5 years now and all is well, but do what’s comfortable for you.
It’s a “no” from me. If you can’t even be public because he’s embarrassed that he moved on before being divorced, this man has no business moving in with you. Have you met any of his friends yet?
If he wants to keep your relationship secret even though his ex is clearly not keeping her thing secret, I’m not sure what he’s hiding. I’d draw a hard line in the sand there, though.
When he introduced you to his parents, were you introduced as his girlfriend?
Have you met his friends?
What kind of job does he have? Is it possible that’s related to why he won’t be online official?
My husband doesn’t even put a hint of me on his social media so i feel ya
To me it sounds like he just doesn’t want to jeopardize the divorce or screw things up until it’s finalized. Idk I’m not an expert on divorce but I know they can be ugly and one person having proof the other has another girlfriend could be bad and I’m assuming that’s his thinking, even tho she has a boyfriend also. He introduced you to his parents so i don’t think he’s hiding you, I might just be naive too idk?