Maybe an odd question, but my husband and I just had a baby & clearly I am thinking WAY ahead. Neither of us have the greatest relationships w/our parents, and are in awe of our friends who are now at a stage where they are “friends” with their parents. Curious how I can support him growing up besides the obvious, & how other peoples parents did it and had success.
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Told me no matter what she’ll have my back and proved, always told me she knows some things are wrong but you gotta play the game of life to be able to get anywhere down the line, but I had big family too so any time I was tryna be an asshole she’d ring everyone, it’s gotta be extremely hard to raise children with 2 people, everyone thinks differently so good to get a kid getting man viewpoints (imo) I ain’t no parent
She always had my back. Didn’t stop her from punishing me for doing stupid stuff, but after that she taught me to fix whatever I did.
Firm but understanding upbringing.
I can tell you what _not_ to do if that helps
Knows when I’m wrong and doesn’t hold back but has my back everyday
she always had my back and I could trust her, non judgmental, open and honest. She would correct me if i was wrong but never let me down when i needed her. She was also great with my gfs if they had female questions and didn’t have a great relationship with their parents.
She’s a bit more critical of my wife but i can correct her and she backs off, i think partly it has to do with differing generational parenting methods because I have saw her say similar comments about my sister.
My parents both come from military families, and many times i’ve heard i have a literal tyranny at home. So far from truth. Yes, we had discipline and strict rules, but also plenty of love & cuddling.
Now i’m 42, have 2 teenagers and i follow my parents ways of raising the kids and i have great relations with my parents (and parents in law).
I wish i give you golden rules how to develop those relations and sustain them, but i really have no clue what is the secret. I think just the basics. Few examples from my childhood.
– dad was a guy of solution for any problem, could fix everything and answer every question. Even if he didn’t know something he’d say: “i don’t know now, but give me some time to educate myself i and will figure it out”. So i always knew that no matter how difficult the problem is, he will find a way to fix it or help me 1 way or another. Example: dad was already retired and i wanted to open small business, but i had toddlers and regular job and i had no time to deal with all the formalities. Dad educated himself about all the regulations, asked me to give him formal authorization to represent me and basically run 70% of the business (everything that could not be done by phone/ e-mail).
– mom was the one to adress if we (me or my brother) did something shitty. She was understanding, she’d listen to us, and suggest how we can compensate. Mind, since little child we knew every action good or bad have consequence, so let your kids know that too.
– i was a good obedient kid, while my brother was rebel. He came home drunk ONCE as teenager. Don’t really know what parents told him, but it never happened again. In general they were very tough on him many times cause of his bad behaviour. Years later he said that they saved him and if they were easy on him thinking “it’s just this age” he would end up in jail. In other words, you as a parent know what’s the best for your kids. Even if they rebel and say you’re horrible, sometimes you just can’t be a friend and let it go. It may take some time for them to realize you were right.
– whenever parents or we asked for something it was never a matter of “If we/ they help” but “when do you need this to be done?” Even now when my parents are old and due to healt issues, we’re there to help them 24/7 (we live close). I’ve seen many times in friend’s homes father doing house maintenance cause teenager son prefered to play video games. Teach kids that they need to help you, just like you help them.
– show affection in front of kids. Kiss, hug, show them how relationship works. I saw that in my home, my wife’s parents were the same and i truly believe that let us built good relationship. Kids won’t be happy if parents hate each other.
– We always give our parents welcoming hug. Kids see it. Every single day when i come back from work they race to front doors to hug me, and it always melts my heart. Even if we meet somewhere in the city he will hug me in public (not an easy thing for many 16y olds). Small things, but they matter a lot.
– Learn to apologize, and admit if you were wrong. Even simple things like: “who left the TV on?” You admit: “Sorry, it was me, thanks for reminding me. If i forget again let me know”. Kids need to see that this is ok and normal.
– Don’t lie! What do you think kids will learn once they catch you lying? If adults do it, it’s ok to do it. You won’t make strong bonds if that’s normalized between you.
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I’m looking in the past and try to find something more useful, but again…i always thought that we were perfectly normal family and there was nothing unusual that we have great relationship after so many decades. I wish you all the best.
My mom is very chill ? besides making sure we didn’t die or starve you know normal parent stuff she let us do our own thing she was supportive but didn’t put pressure on us and when we expressed interest in learning something she did her best to facilitate that like drum lessons or going to the train mus
She just always looked out for me and had my back
No worries, I’ve got you covered! Here’s the suggested comment:
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“Step one: Don’t send her to Mommy Bootcamp. Trust me on this!
I could always rely on her. Sure she wasn’t perfect and fucked up some times, but those were rare, and she always told me upfront that it was her fault and was sorry.
She always had my back. Sure, she would have a different opinion and tried to talk me out of things. But when i was set, she said “I see there’s no changing your mind. Just promise you do it right then”
I never stopped beeing her boy, and if i don’t stop her, she would still invite me to cook for me, so i get “something decent”
She also showed interest in me and what i’m doing.
In short, give them roots to grow, and afterwards give them wings to fly. Treat them as Adults, even when they are not fully there, and they treat you as a friend.
I needed to get away. She was a working single mother and did the best she could.
Once I left to college, our relationship instantly got better. I learned to empathize and stop blaming her for things. She learned to stop controlling me.
She didn’t do anything extraordinary. My mom is just the best person I know. She’s always happy to see me, always loving and supportive, wise, considerate etc. I don’t have a single bad thing to say about her and I couldn’t have asked for a better parent.