My (23m) gf (22f) of 3 years admitted that she had been misleading me about her sex drive. When the relationship started i told her i had a high sex drive and she said she did too. We were very intimate and would have sex often and everything was fine. Fast forward to now and we have it maybe every 2 or 3 weeks. Like stated above I personally have a high sex drive and because of that im basically at her beck and call on the rarity that she’s in the mood. However when i ask to or show that im in the mood she either just brushes it off or tends to ignore it completely. Now today i brought it up to her because i was at my limit and was confused why things had changed so drastically. She told me that “Now that i know you aren’t leaving, i dont really have to have a high drive or do it often” which kind of made me feel off. I have no intentions of leaving regardless.I love her a lot and i know frequent sex isnt a deciding factor in a relationship but i still feel misled and like im kind of stuck. I was led to believe that she was of the same drive as me but she was only doing it to lock me in. Leaving isnt an option as i love her far too much but im worried that maybe im in the wrong. Any help?
TLDR- my gf admitted that she misled me about her sex drive in order to get me to stay with her when i would’ve done so regardless and now i dont know what to do. Leaving isnt an option as i love her far too much.
39 comments
The way it’s worded feels manipulative. She shouldn’t have to lie to “lock you in” especially about something like sex. Whilst sex is not a deciding factor in a relationship. It is a very important factor despite what people say. For many people sex is a stress reliever and speaking as someone with high libido who’s with someone with low libido it can be very frustrating when that’s the only outlet that works and your partner can’t indulge. Personally I’d be weary and rethink the whole relationship because if she used this to lock you in what else did she say or do to further lock you in? Just things to think about but it’s your choice whether this is the hill you choose to die on. Good luck
Your relationship was built on a lie. She knew you will be sexually unfulfilled with her, and yet she decided to deceive you.
Boy what’s going to happen when you’re married or have a kid and are really locked in…. You’re too young for this man.
If she ain’t changing and you ain’t leaving, nothing left to do but to suck it up, buttercup.
That is so manipulative. Expect more of the same if you stay together.
“..now that I know you aren’t leaving..”
You were lied to. You were manipulated. You don’t get intimacy as often as you would like… She stone cold told you she lied to you. Absolute zero respect.
You’re ok with this?
I’d be out. You’re too young to be trapped like this.
Keep it wrapped, so you don’t get trapped.
You’re being manipulated and used. Once the baby comes, you will be happy to have sex as often as you are now.
Why are you “stuck” now? Why can’t you leave?
Bro your not in love with her your in love with the fake version she created news flash that perosn is gone and now your stuck with a lying manipulative woman is that what you really want
I’m so sick of hearing i can’t leave i love her too much but she doesn’t love respect or care about you because if you love someone you don’t lie or manipulate them and you don’t love yourself either why because you’d rather torture yourself with being with a woman who doesn’t love you lies and manipulates you
OP you need to leave your 23 you don’t know what true love is and i promise you a one sided love is not it
So the first lie was to get you, the next one could be to ruin your life.
You can leave a relationship at any time. You’re still super young. This is the sunk cost fallacy. You’ve got an entire life ahead of you to make changes.
She lied until you were emotionally vulnerable enough she knew she could tell you the truth and you wouldn’t leave…………. Ya that’s a red flag and very manipulative.
Sex may not the most important thing but it is certainly important. Even if you put that aside for a moment, how do you forget that she kinda manipulated you ? What more did she lie about or will lie about to keep you stuck!!
I’m not worried about the different libido as much as I would about the fact she lied to you. I’m personally asexual, and I know a few couples that make it work even in an ace-allo relationship. But I would never, ever lie about being ace and not actively wanting sex. (While I CAN have sex and don’t mind it, so technically, if I wanted to, I could lie about it.)
It’s a huge red flag imo.
Ah love – a dreadful bond. Relationships are like mirrors showing our best and worst parts. We all have choices though – I personally think sex is a crucial factor in long-term compatibility.
You love someone who lied to you about something very important? Sounds like you are going to have a frustrating life brother.
She is a GF. Don’t wife her up!
This ain’t gonna get better. NEXT HER.
Good luck.
Leave now. Life will be miserable.
If this is true OP you’ve got pretty big problems. She was willing to lie and disregard you on something you told her up front was important for you in a relationship.
What else did she lie about? What else will she lie about?
You should really reconsider the “I won’t leave her” stance. She basically told you flat out she lied to lock you in and you’re sitting here saying I’m locked in now so nothing to do. Yes there is. Break the lock.
Well she was right then. You won’t leave so she doesn’t need to keep up the ruse.
Sex is the most important thing since relationships are built on it
She manipulated you. She lied to you. Now she’s emotionally manipulating you to stay.
Why would you stay? You’re 23, you really want the next 50 years of misery you’re staring down the barrel at?
I was in a dead bedroom for 10ish years. It leaves a permanent mark. I don’t view myself, sex, or women the way I did after being neglected that long.
Your mental health is important too. If you have a high sex drive that she doesn’t even acknowledge, this isn’t a good match for you. Don’t get trapped by the “been together 3 years” nonsense.
Sexual compatibility is VERY important. Or its not, that’s for every person and every couple to decide. Both ways are valid and work for people. What very seldom works is a relationship that is built on a lie. And thats exactly what happened. She felt she needed to lie to you to keep you around, so what else has been a lie. That is super manipulative. Depending on her views of sex, she may actually resent you for in the long run.
I was in an unfulfilling sexual relationship for 6.5 years before it got to be a MAJOR problem for me, and im 30. Your only 23. Are you ok with your entire sex life being at her beck and call for the next 60+ years of your life?
Pathetic.
Wait until you find out what else she has lied about.
Walk the fuck out, you’re literally saying you love someone who is ok with lying to you. It’s actually stupid man wake up
FUCKING LEAVE
Look, I get why she’d do this. Sex is very often painful to the woman, especially frequent sex.
But to put it in terms like this, and clearly say she was just keeping up an act. It’s not only hurtful, but it’s bad for the relationship because it makes you feel undesired.
Sexual incompatibility is a real thing, and if it’s an issue now, imagine how much worse of an issue it will become.
Your not stuck your just choosing to accept she manipulated you. And you better believe you can see more of that in the future since you won’t do anything to stick up for yourself like saying it’s unacceptable to deceive you in such a fundamental topic of intimacy. Your 23 and going to have sex 12 times a year for the rest of your life
It’s one thing to have mismatched libidos, but for her to lie and manipulate you, then almost *brag* to your face about how now that she has you she can drop the act? That’s disrespectful af
Your girlfriend pretended to be someone she is not in order to manipulate you into dating her
She has been lying to your face every single day since the moment she met you
And what’s more, you don’t know what else she is lying about
This relationship is going to end one way or the other because you are not dating a good person.
Please do yourself a favor and see this person for who she is and now who she has manipulated you into believing that she is
If leaving isn’t an option my guy what are you even asking for here? The advice is to leave. This doesn’t work and it’s really not great that she manipulated you into this relationship. You’ll love someone else, someday, who isn’t lying.
Imbalanced sex drives is manageable in a relationship, but that’s not the issue. She, without any shame, lied to you to “lock you in”. That’s disturbingly calculated. What’s next? Pregnancy?
You say you love her, but do you love her or the person she’s been pretending to be? Can you honestly tell yourself this is the only thing she lied about?
If you’re not willing to leave her over this, this is your life now. She feels no remorse over lying to you and you let her do it. She got her way, so she has no reason to stop.
If you would have stayed with her regardless, then get over it. I’m sorry for being blunt, but it’s true.
She was worried you would leave her if she was honest. Talk to her and ask that from now on, no lies, no deceptions. Forget about the lie and move on.
If you love her and she loves you, that’s all that matters at this point. But future lues can harm your relationship in the future. You both need to work on openness and honesty with each other.
Dude, are you insane? Look at how cold and calculating she is regarding your feelings. She misled you on purpose and now that she knows you’re in her hands, she’s showing her true colors.
I couldn’t trust someone like this, and neither should you. Love yourself more, man.
She built your relationship on a lie. You’re only 23, so I would absolutely recommend finding someone who isn’t going to manipulate you
She lied to you about other things to, but you just haven’t discovered them yet.
1. Nobody can tell you whether or not you are wrong
2. She lied. Not good.
3. Gotta ask yourself and then her what else she’s lied about
4. Sex is a major part of a relationship.
5. You may wanna rethink this relationship. I’m sure you love her but now you have to question if she loves you. People that love each other don’t lie Especially over a 3 year time period.
You are only 23. Lots of time to focus on yourself, your career and finances.
I suggest focusing on those 3 rather than wasting time with a liar.
Wait until your 33 with 2 kids, a mortgage and married. Then you’ll be stuck.
Your 23 plenty more years for falling in love
You aren’t married, you’re not “stuck” in a relationship that you’re not happy with.
Sexual incompatibility ends a lot of marriages. Lack of communication ends a lot of marriages. Lying to someone to get them where you want them, and then even admitting that’s what you intended from the start, that’s a doomed relationship.
>i know frequent sex isnt a deciding factor in a relationship
It is if your libido and hers don’t match. There is zero shame or problem in you both being incompatible sexually.
I would be far, far more concerned at the deliberate and very purposeful sham she’s built up here though _and_ even blatantly admitting to it with her “now that I know you aren’t leaving” comment.
That alone would kill it for me – it shows she’s 100% prepared to lie and fake things in order to benefit herself, despite knowing you want and expect something different.
So to me, this reads as “hasn’t got the same libido” but also “lies” and “doesn’t care she did”.
>Leaving isnt an option as i love her far too much
Yeah it’s 100% an option. You can love her and still leave her, you know – what, you think _everyone_ that leaves partners, gets Divorced etc doesn’t feel the same?
Have some self respect – you’re worth more than someone who has the integrity of a kitchen sponge.
She lied and manipulated you to je with you – BIG RED FLAG!
If you dont wanna break up with her for that alone, at least take a break and evaluate it all. U might love her – the parts she choses to show you now, who knows what she later will admit was a fake thing. Take the time to realise what she did is a major trust breaker and contemolate if she can be trusted forward, and if she should have an option to win back thar trust. It will be good for you too, so you dont worship tje ground she step on and she needs to use the time to realise what she did was real fucked up and she needs to step up to show you she can be trusted forward.
Matching sex isnt everything to a relationship. But trust and mutural respect (like not lying or manipulate each other) is a real fucking important thing. And you need to realise that too so you dont get run over emotionaly – you and respect for you(self) should be way higher kn this relarionship if you want it to succed and not end in catastrofe.