My fiance and I met in an internship program when we were in college. We started as friends but started dating in 2020 and have been together since (rounding about 2.5 years right now) We got engaged last June (about 1 year ago) and have been living together for 2 years. My fiance has been friends with his best friend for a really long time, since middle school I believe.
I am going to start off by saying our relationship isn’t perfect. We are both in the headspace of relationships are a constant work in progress. That being said, we are both happy and feel our relationship is healthy. In the past it was difficult, as I had a hard time with birth control and had chronic migraines appear that left me bedridden for a few months. I am so happy to say that was 2 years ago now and while I still have days where I can’t function, it is down to <1/month.
We are both in therapy. His therapist does a lot of work in relationships and we did a joint session to talk about his parents before. His therapist seems to like me and has given us both advice on how to work on our relationship and honestly it has been really great. I recently started personal therapy and was diagnosed with chronic PTSD, depression, and generalized anxiety. So, lots of change recently lol. I’m not going to sit here and say my mental health does not impact our relationship, because obviously it will to some extent. We have very open communication to discuss any issues we are having, and I am trying to be cognizant of when my mental health is causing me to not be my best self and we work through it. Knowing what is actually going on has been tremendously helpful and we both feel equipped to tackle it and improve our relationship. Maintaining a healthy relationship has been a priority to us since day 1.
….Anyway, onto the issue with the best friend. He has never really liked me. I am generally a pretty easy person to get along with, so while I was surprised I didn’t really push it. I would try for my fiance’s sake to be his friend and I actually thought we were for a while. He had made some insensitive comments in the past about my migraines and just generally wasn’t the nicest.
When we got engaged he was angry with my fiance for not ‘asking for his permission’… We talked about that and came to the conclusion that he was probably struggling with his own stuff (he is in med school and has some mental health stuff going on) and they talked it out. My fiance told him he needs his friend to support him and if he has concerns they should talk about it, rather than fighting about it after the fact. In that time his friend told him he believed I was abusing him. Specifically referencing me asking my fiance to go to bed around midnight (it was a work night, and my migraines would flair up terribly if he came to bed super late and woke me up). He also sees my fiance do the cooking, and I guess thinks it isn’t fair. (Not that I really need to defend myself to him, but my fiance cooks, I clean, we have agreed on this and it works for us) My fiance thanked him for his concern but told him to trust him and that he’s happy. He told him not to base his feelings on our relationship on the little parts he sees or hears about from being vented to.
That was about a year ago, and it felt like my friendship with his best friend improved. We had him over at our house this past weekend for a card game tournament and to do some wedding planning. My fiance specifically asked him for three things as a best man: a speech, bachelor’s party, and to go to the suit appointments. Last minute on Saturday he backed out of going to the suit appointment on Sunday. During this conversation he also made some really not great comments about my mental health diagnoses. My fiance was upset but told him to do whatever he needed to do and dropped it. Ngl I was pretty upset. When we got engaged I told my fiance all I care about the suit was the color, and I didn’t want to think about it passed that. I already have so much on my plate with the wedding planning. Of course I supported him during the suit appointment but we were both feeling like his friend should’ve been there and he was definitely hurt by it.
He used his therapy session yesterday to make sure he had all of his thoughts organized for talking to his friend. He wanted to make sure he wasn’t overreacting, but the therapist (knowing most of the situation) agreed that his friend wasn’t being a great friend. So, my fiance called him and planned to tell him he could back out of being the best man now and he wouldn’t be upset. He knew with med school & mental health stuff he already had a lot on his plate and maybe the planning was just too much.
His friend then told my fiance that he cannot support our relationship. He believes we will not make it and it will end in an abusive relationship if ‘things don’t change’. He said my fiance was uninviting him from the wedding. My fiance said no, I still want you there, but the best man planning is important and I can’t rely on you for it. His friend replied that this conversation was him being uninvited from the wedding.
My fiance feels terrible, understandably. His friend had stringed him out thinking he had his support when he hadn’t, and hadn’t for a while. I feel terrible. I spoke to my therapist about the situation yesterday as well and she said his friend is likely going through his own shit and is just projecting it onto me. He is hurting that his friendship with my fiance isn’t the same as it was when they were teens and it hurts. I am the definite change he can point to, so he is going to put the blame on my shoulders. It’s hard for him to determine what healthy relationship dynamics are because he is not in a relationship. (He also abused his ex girlfriend emotionally and has admitted to it. That was in undergrad. I am fairly sure he is projecting his history of being an abuser onto me) With my past of trauma it’s hard for me to not take things he is saying to heart but I’m trying to keep it together for my fiance’s sake.
My maid of honor knows what’s going on and has said to ask her for anything we need. Genuinely she is an amazing friend. Obviously we aren’t going and talking about this to all of our friends, but I know his friends are a great support system and will step up. They love us and support us whole heartedly. He is the only one of his friends that doesn’t support us.
TLDR; my fiance’s best friend told him he doesn’t believe our relationship will last and will end in an abusive relationship, despite our happiness and continued effort to maintain a healthy relationship. I guess I’m not really sure what advice I am looking for. Is there something I’m blatantly missing? How can I support my fiance best through this? Anyone else deal with something similar? It really sucks lol
2 comments
I’m sorry this is happening to you both.
Weddings are strange, they can bring out the weirdest behaviour and emotions in people. I think it’s sometimes about people’s sensitivity around ‘milestones’. People seeing their friends getting married can feel like they are being left behind, or that they aren’t measuring up. Practically everyone I know who has gotten married, experienced this in some way – either a drama with a friend or with a relative.
Anyway, unless this ex-friend tells you all the whole truth, we’ll never know what is truly motivating him.
It’s hurtful, when there isn’t anything you can do about it. All I can suggest is that the two of you try to reframe the situation. See it as a sad part of life, but that it’s giving you a clean break from people who don’t support you in your marriage, so that you can move forward in a more positive atmosphere.
This friend for whatever reason has decided to implode the relationship. It could be anything from mental health issues to he’s in the closet and crushing on your fiance. You will probably never know.
The important thing is that he’s accusing you of abuse, doesn’t support your marriage. Anyone who doesn’t support it should not be invited. It’s a recipe for ruining your special day together.
And your fiance should have asked his permission to get engaged?? Wtf
Entitlement at its finest right there.