Hi, I’m Chris (not my real name). I’m a 44 year old male and I’ve been married to my wife Jennifer (not her real name) for close to 20 years. Jennifer is a stay at home mom about my age. We have two young children, ages 10 and 7.
To give you a very quick backstory, when dating, sex wasn’t great and it was something I got frustrated with. Jennifer said it’s just not important to her. But, she would occasionally watch porn and she obsessively reads romance novels (since being a stay at home mom, she reads them probably 6-12 hours per day; sometimes more). I knew the issue wasn’t that she didn’t have any sexual desire, but that she didn’t desire me. She denied that and said it just isn’t a priority for her.
Jumping forward to our lives getting busy with kids stuff most nights of the week… Several years ago we decided to schedule sex every Saturday night. As lame as this sounds, it’s been a good thing. The sex has gotten better and better over the past few years but it’s still clear that she could never have sex with me again and not feel like she’s missing anything.
Jumping forward again to this weekend… We have friends about to go through a divorce. Jennifer has been there for our friend (the wife) as she’s struggled with what to do. She’s just been there to listen to her vent. She always fills me in on the updates after they talk.
I was traveling this weekend and the friend came over to vent. They were sitting on the front porch and our ring doorbell picked up the conversation, so I listened to hear their latest drama. To my surprise, Jennifer shared that while our relationship isn’t perfect, it’s very good. She went on to say, “Our problem is attraction. Like I told you before, I’ve never been attracted to him. When we were dating I was never like, ‘Oohh Chris.’ We have more of a friend vibe. I married him because he’s really nice and good to me and I knew he would be a good husband.”
Our friend said, “Don’t you ever feel like you’re missing something?” Jennifer said she’s happy, but added, “I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to be with someone I’m super attracted to.”
I talked to Jennifer about it and said I’m not mad. You can’t make yourself be attracted to someone. I did say that wasn’t fair to me to marry me knowing she didn’t have any attraction towards me. She took advantage of my kindness. She didn’t deny that she isn’t attracted to me, but said she loves me very much and would never want to be without me.
This whole thing has crushed me. I don’t think I can get over it. I don’t even want a physical relationship knowing she’s doing it without being attracted to me. But, I have an extremely strong desire to have a passionate physical relationship and it’s clear now (really has been for years) that I won’t ever have that with Jennifer. This makes me wonder if it’s important enough to me to go through the painful process of divorce. I don’t want that for us, and I especially don’t want that for my kids. From their viewpoint we have a perfect, loving relationship, and we really do aside from this issue. She’s a great partner and mother and I deeply care about and love her.
I don’t know what to do. Do I stay with Jennifer, and have a great family and keep our kids happy, and just accept that I won’t ever have that physical relationship I crave. Do I leave and disrupt my kids lives, and give up half of my time with them, because of my need to feel desired? Do I just have a physical relationship with Jennifer even though I know she’s not into it?
I thought about counseling but you can’t make someone be attracted to someone they’re just not attracted to. So the focus of counseling would have to be on my just accepting that my partner doesn’t find me attractive and working on how to get over it. That kind of feels like giving up on something really important to me.
tl;dr I overheard my wife telling a friend she’s never found me attractive; and wonders what it would be like to be with someone she’s attracted to.
17 comments
Sounds like she’s attracted to many parts of you, just maybe not outward appearance. Appearance fades anyway, focus on the positive parts yall share and really enjoy that connection.
Also sahm mom reading 6-12 hours a day? Ridiculous. I was a sahm and engaging with the kids is a huge part of, field trips, museums, playdates, crafts… then taking care of the home. Guess I also prioritized family dinner, so reading for 12 hours a day would not have made me the best mom and wife I could be.
given that, is possible for you to have an open marriage? So you don’t have to uproot and destroy your kids lives?
Ouch. I’m sorry man, thats a horrible thing to overhear.
Honestly I don’t know what I’d do in that situation.
As a woman, I’d encourage you to keep in mind that attraction for women is somewhat different than it is for men. It’s a wide spectrum so this is an over generalization, but generally attraction for women who like men is about a person’s energy and the dynamic between the two of you than looks alone. Generalizing again, but from what I’ve been told most men tend to know if they find someone attractive on sight. As a woman, attraction can sneak up on you. An average-looking man can become the biggest turn-on when he shows confidence, emotional vulnerability, genuine kindness, etc. Each woman has her own unique set of characteristics that trigger attraction for her, but these three are pretty universal. All that to say, just because she hasn’t felt that attraction for you yet doesn’t mean it can’t still happen. Clearly, there’s a lot she sees in you, which is why she married you. If you’re willing to put in a little research and work, it’s possible, and it sounds like she’d really like for that to happen too.
So, research. Do a google search on what women find attractive in men. (Take any advice on this from men with a grain of salt. Listen mainly to women if you want the truth.) Hell, maybe pick up a few of those romance novels of hers and see what the fuss is about. I promise it’s not the hero’s muscles or darkly handsome looks that are the driving force but a more intangible quality in the why he relates to the heroine, to himself, to the world. Good looks can be icing on the cake, but they’re not a guarantee of attraction for a woman. Often in romance novels, the heroine starts off hating the guy, no matter how technically handsome he is. It’s only after he shows her glimpses of his true self, a willingness to change for the better, that he respects her as an equal, or whatever it is that her attraction blooms.
Another common thing is that, for women, it can sometimes be more about how a man takes care of and presents what genetics have given him. Grooming, style, etc make more difference than I think a lot of men realize. I’ve seen incredibly average-looking guys pull tons of women because they put effort into their personal style.
I know I’m writing a book here, so I’ll wrap it up. Lastly, the one biggest thing to keep in mind should you decide to attempt any or my long-winded advice is to make sure you never, ever start thinking of the things you do to try to spark her attraction as transactional or entitling you to her attraction or attention. That’s the surest way to kill any attraction she does have for good. Approach it with an open heart and mind, accepting that attraction is a nuanced thing and results aren’t guaranteed, but that the possibility of real passion and connection with your partner is so worth the risk of disappointment. Best of luck to you.
For me attraction has nothing to do with long term sex (I know for men it can be very different). I need love and commitment and friendship- and frankly a man who knows his way around my body like my husband does. So sex for me is because of how he makes me feel. He’ll put the kids to bed and rub my back or play with my hair.
So what I’m wondering is when you are having sex is she having an orgasm? Are you attracted to her? Are you being the passionate person you imagine she should be? You said sex is scheduled once a week, are you ever being spontaneous? Is it because she’s not the initiator? Are you ever participating in other kids of sex outside of pv.
Because it seems to me that you want a better sex life with her, and you’re feeling like; if she was attracted to you this might happen. Attraction doesn’t achieve better sex for most women – that is more of how men work. From my experience with women its all about our brain and feeling rather than seeing.
I think you need to have a much deeper conversation with your wife – she obviously loves you and doesn’t want anyone else. I think you need to figure out what you want out of your marriage, and possibly seek marriage counseling to be on the same page going forward.
Speaking only for myself, I think attraction (sexual) is just one quality but not at all the most important one. To be attracted to someone’s kindness and stability and ability to father and be in a committed relationship is also very meaningful.
I’ve known a lot of guys I was attracted to. But the partner I chose—it was his ability to be my partner and support me and grow with me that I chose him for. In my book, he’s the best guy. And attraction simply doesn’t matter to me in the big scheme of who he is.
Not what you want to hear, perhaps, but just trying to get you to see that it isn’t the worst thing. I’d be more devastated if I heard her say “I’m attracted to him, but he’s a shit father and fundamentally irresponsible human being.”
Shouldnt have married her.
You knew in advance
So she lied to you for close to 20 years.
She wants exactly what you want, just not with you.
Take your life back my guy, stop being someone’s safe choice and go be someone’s first choice even if it’s your own.
Well in your second paragraph that’s where most men would normally break up with someone you aren’t compatible with but you married her. Nothing ever changes and you signed up for this. You wasted your youth and you are ruining out of time. Make a move.
1. Take some space for yourself. I think you and your wife need space apart.
2. Maybe a trial separation with ground rules about no dating. I think you need some time to determine how life would be without her. Even if it means you live in a long term hotel for a month if you can afford it.
3. Brutal honesty, I think women will come on to the thread who feel the same way as your wife and try to talk “reason” into the situation but that shouldn’t change your stance on desire and wanting to be loved/cherished/desired.
4. I think you deserve the type of love that you have for your wife. In all honesty is reminds me of the 20-30 year olds dating a man 30-40 years older then them because of his socioeconomic status.
5. You where her safe pick and not her #1 draft pick and that is hard to swallow.
6. On the contrary in marriage there is duty and judging by your comments you understand that whole heartedly, so I would completely understand why you would stay.
7. You may love your wife but she kind of played you. She gets to be married to a man who clearly loves her, gets two kids, SAHM who reads sex novels 6-12 hours a day while you work you ass off to protect and provide. My GOD her life seems perfect.
Can’t believe no one has said this yet…but reading romance novels that much can really fuck with your perceptions of irl relationships.
They just don’t often depict real attraction, they’re frequently about insta-love or hella ‘will they won’t they’ tension. Limerence is conflated with love, they’re all gorgeous, all women come effortlessly through vaginal sex (and these are mostly female writers too which my gears). It’s escapism. Of course there are some newer more progressive romance novels but the majority of the genre is still as I’ve described.
I would talk to her about talking a break from them. A long break. Long enough to see if she still feels the same way after awhile outside of that influence. Because as some of the comments point out, attraction, especially for women, is nuanced. Also, reading 6-12 hours a day is irresponsible af and sounds like a maladaptive behavior so I’m just going to go there and say go get a few counseling sessions. These are hard af conversations to get through without defensiveness.
ETA romance novels are great! Just to be clear haha. My mom has written a few, I’ve seen this before with heavy readers
Part of me can commiserate with you, the other wants to pop you on the side of the head.
You want to seriously exchange a woman who loves you and time with your family for an act that takes 20 minutes if you’re lucky. I’d pull my hair out if I still had some.
However I do think there is a problem in your relationship. I sincerely doubt she has 2 hours to read a day.
However let me share a struggle I had with my wife that may track.
We enjoy watching tv in the evening after the kids are in bed. We used to watch this one show that had “the perfect man”. He always knew what to do and say at just the right time. My wife started making comments like how come you’re not more like…. It really bothered me for too long before I blew up. After we calmed down I was able to explain how easy it is to do the exact right thing with perfect timing when some writer is giving you all the answers. That although a nice fiction, reality is a lot messier.
My wife has learned that although reality is messy, it’s far more beautiful than fiction. Even still I still leave the room if she watches that show.
I feel your wife may be comparing you to fictional men in her novels, I personally feel romance novels are women’s porn. Just as she can never compete with an airbrushed model on a porn site 19-25, you can’t nor should you compete with an edited version of the perfect man.
I think in act 2 of Into The Woods has the best description of this when the Prince’s Charming both have eyes on the perfect woman, while married. One is confronted by his wife and says, “ I was brought up to be charming, not sincere.”
If you have a good relationship, don’t throw that away for something that if you even find it will be fleeting at best
My experience—
I was married to a woman like this for 6 years. She fooled me in the beginning, acting like she wanted me bad, but in actuality, she wanted to be married.
The best way to describe it is that she was checking boxes. Get her degree (check), find a reasonably attractive person that wants to marry (check), big wedding (check), have enough sex to conceive (check).
But honestly, beyond her goals, she didn’t have any attraction or interest in developing our relationship. At one point, we hadn’t had sex in over a year… and she seemed surprised when I told her I couldn’t take the “relationship” the way it was any longer- we were in our twenties! She would try to do what she thought I wanted, but it was clear that she had zero attraction or desire for me. She once “dead pan” told me that “if we never had sex again, she would be fine”. After that, I started my exit plan.
As you can see, I’m remarried to a wonderful woman and we have had ridiculous attraction to each other for over 30 years.
I’m not saying that you should divorce, but clearly, your wife is spending hundreds of hours fantasizing about romance and escapism. You need to decide what’s important to you. (Now that you know the truth)
I’d Like to offer an alternative view.
It sounds to me like she loves and values you and that is why she has sex with you. It’s not that she’s not into it – she loves you and she wants to have sex with you because she cares about you.
You have much more than many other couples, you love each other and make compromises because you do. Sex is one of those compromise areas.
Ok for the op.
The reading is addictive behavior and if it’s romance novels she’s missing excitement in her life.
Marriage is the union of 2 into one. Sometimes we are unattracted to ourselves.
I’ll also 💯 bet she has at least 1 emotional affair going on as well.
She’s seeking something.
Your goal right now, no kidding is you need to reboot.
Get the books and read them in this order.
Keep your love on : Danny Silk
Extreme Ownership: Jocko Willing
These will help you get control of this situation.
When is the last time you bought her flowers or took her out of town?
Honestly this was kind of clear before you even married her it seems? Why marry and have kids with her if having someone who was into sex (at all or with you specifically) was important?
FWIW I found this post fascinating, with some rough parallels to my own experience. So I shared it with my wife / we discussed, and her response was I thought very interesting.
She immediately said THE fault, about the whole effen thing, is with the wife above, NOT because of the attraction issue but that. In my wifes words. “bringing someone outside the marriage into the marriage. you just don’t fucking do that.” My wife is referring to the wife above telling the friend she’s not attracted to the husband; ie. confiding something in the friend that was absolutely private between the spouses.
YMMV