Hi 🙂 F(21) here, as the title reads it’s almost impossible for me to keep a friendship no matter how hard I try, the reason I’m on this sub is that I really need advice. I have a “Bestfriend” who I’ve know for 2 years, it was the first friendship I made since I was 16 I think I should mention we both suffer from severe ADHD, since last December I’ve been trying to hang out with her for 6months now, she forgot my birthday and I still never told her and just put my feelings aside, I’ve been texting to hang out or meet up for some coffee, she takes abt 2-3 weeks to answer, I messaged abt hanging out till April but she either forgot to answer, cancelled last minute and even stood me up one time, I get so sad thinking abt why I’m not worth a message back.
I say I’ll never text first again but then once or twice she would send a message asking what’s up and I’d have a glimmer of hope in having a conversation only to be left on delivered again, I understand everyone has a life school and a job, I have severe adhd as mentioned before I hate replying to ppl in general but I would not leave her hanging for more than a day to answer her back, she seems to have time to hang out with other ppl all the time but me, I should mention that we never argued or fought for this to happen, we know each other’s deepest secrets and we hung out once every few weeks last year like normal Bestfriends, I don’t think she’s noticed my absence at all, I texted her last end of April and she left me on read, I stopped texting cus I feel like a burden and desperate.
she’s joked abt me being her low maintenance friend so I guess that makes sense, now we haven’t talked since April and I was tempted to check in on her now but stopped myself, should I bother texting or just see how long it’s gna take her to remember me if ever, I miss her a lot and I feel alone more than ever it fucking sucks.
4 comments
The problem you’re having is how you view the friendship. To you she is a “Bestfriend” but to her you are just one of her friends.
To change and understand the dynamics of your friendship I suggest you send her this post. I guarantee how she views the situation is vastly different than how you see the situation.
you should definitely try to speak with her about this even over text because my lifelong bestfriend and i also have adhd and kinda text eachother sporadically. i’m sorta inattentive and forgetful and she brought this up to me recently and i was SO SAD i felt so bad ,, i might not ever be the perfect friend but I care about her so much especially because of how long we’ve known each other and i’m sure your friend cares about you! maybe she’s just awkward at showing it- she could also just be an ass too lol- but for her and I, I had no idea at all she was upset with me and she bottled it up for a long time but we had a nice dinner and got to reconnect n things are a lil better now, so try telling her your feelings
I’ve started weeding out friends who aren’t putting equal effort into the friendship, which frees & compels me to nurture new ones.
Some things are out of your control. It is best to accept that and you can try to nudge her behaviour differently but you don’t know the full reasons behind her actions even if she says it to your face. It is brutal out here.
For me, if I had more control , unless they got mental issues, I will take their actions at face value and respond accordingly. You may miss her a lot and feel more alone than ever but that is what happens when you put all your value , or a lot of it, onto one person. It is soul crushing then when that one person fades from your life as the strong emotional attachment you had is ripped apart more devastating because you don’t get clear cut answers for “why” resulting in little to no closure. Further compounding those devastating feelings.
I think putting more value onto either romantic partners, family or proven people with a strong track record of reciprocity is better.