Title pretty much says it, I’m 5 years older than my wife(she’s 29 and I’m 34) and just out the blue today she started asking me about how many people I have slept with. She was a virgin until we were married and I’m kind of ashamed because my entire 20s were an alcohol and drug fueled rampage, and during that time I at least slept with 30 women. I have two children outside of our marriage that she loves dearly so she knows I got around some, but I’m scared if I tell her the true number she will be disgusted. Should I tell her the truth? Should I bring it down some and tell a white lie? She’s been asking me all day and swears she won’t be mad but I just keep brushing it off. I really wish I was a virgin until I was married as well.
10 comments
Just tell her the truth and how and why
mature people can handle it. But for God sake, why do people ever ask this question?
My husband is a recovered addict and has a high number of past sexual partners, while I’ve only had sex in serious relationships (3 people). Honestly I thought it would bother me, but knowing why and feeling very secure in our relationship made it easy to hear.
Hopefully if she’s asking it’s because she feels like she can handle knowing. Personally I do think it’s good to know about your partners past, as long as you can be mature about it. At this stage in your marriage at worst she may be upset for a bit but hopefully with communication it’ll be fine.
You might want to try to find out why she wants to know first. In my head, it goes something like this:
*”I’m not saying I won’t tell you because I will if we decide it’s necessary. My problem is that I’m a little embarrassed by my past and I am not that person anymore. Plus, I don’t see how knowing that number can help our relationship more forward. Can you help me better understand why you want to know? Maybe it’s something we can talk about without trying to bring a version of me that doesn’t exist anymore into the relationship.”*
If it comes down to “I just want to know, that’s all” or something similar, follow up with asking how she’d feel if it was a ridiculous number…
*”You say you just want to know and you won’t be angry, but how would you feel if I say the number is 100? Or 200? Or 500? Please, help me see how you knowing this number can positively help our relationship and I will tell you. My problem is that I see post after post where numbers are shared and relationships fall apart because the number is not what was expected. I don’t want to lose you or even have you think less of me because of a past that will never be repeated and, to be honest, I rather wish never happened.”*
Talking to her about this is the only way through though.
Tell her don’t be shady the more u hide it the more suspicious u r making her
It’s a trap
It seems random to me she wants to know now, is there some context? My husband and I talked about this early on because I was curious and I’m also a virgin. He had a low number so it never phased me a bit, I don’t think I would have cared what the number was but it’s hard to know since we’ve been together so long now. Maybe younger me would have been more insecure
Honestly, I would lie. I’d say “10”. I think your reality is going to really turn her off.
I don’t understand why people (mostly men) are obsessed with this
You don’t have to share anything you don’t feel comfortable sharing considering it has nothing to do with your partner.
Just don’t lie about it.
Tell the truth: I don’t remember, often I was drunk.