So I’ve (26F) sadly realised that I can’t really be with my boyfriend (31M) anymore and he causes me more stress and sadness than the 2.5yr relationship is worth.
In short, he has betrayed me (for a while saying he might leave me when I was pregnant), is completely broke and in lots of debt wasting all his money away on drugs an alcohol; probably has a cocaine addiction (although says he is cutting that all out now); almost lost his job for being lazy and playing video games all day
I love him like crazy but have realised how badly this has affected me (someone v responsible/frugal/hard working) and made me so anxious and depressed about our future whereas I’m usually a positive happy person. I feel so helpless bc if this doesn’t sort out then my, and our potential children’s, future will be destroyed. He says he will sort himself out in the next few months but I don’t believe this will happen or be long lasting. At 31 this probably is who he is. I can’t put myself through the roller coaster of holding on to slithers of hope to then be back at square 1 again. I’ve heard it all before.
However if these issues weren’t there then he would be my perfect man! He is so caring and funny and my best friend. There is never a dull moment together and we want to be around each other 24/7. We share most the same interests too. There has just always felt a special magic between us that I think is incredibly rare.
So I can’t bare to think of never seeing him ever again. But I also can’t hold onto this much longer as the stress about our future is ruining me and I feel exhausted carrying the load of us both, especially in this crashing economy.
So I thought of a 3rd option: not a break, but not a definitive break up. I think breaks are confusing and messy so I think we need a break up to set us both free. However I will say to him that if he truly does sort his shit out, I would be open to potentially trying again in the future, but he should change if he genuinely wants to and not for me. I just can’t waste my whole 20s waiting and hoping someone turns themselves around when they most likely will just drag me down too.
Has anyone tried this? What happened?
Tl;dr love my bf but terrified of what his major flaws (addiction, debt, laziness) will do to our future – thinking of breaking up but saying we can get back together if he genuinely sorts himself out
5 comments
I mean, that sort of thing is often on the table.
The reality is that *for yourself* you need to consider this a real forever breakup. You can say, hey, yeah, if you change X Y and Z, okay. But then you walk away assuming X, Y, and Z are never going to happen. And if he sorts himself out and comes chasing after you, you … remain skeptical, but can consider giving him another chance. (But you’re not all-in just because things LOOK good from a distance).
But until he shows up at your door with evidence that he’s changed … you’re not waiting on him. You’re not looking back over your shoulder.
> However if these issues weren’t there then he would be my perfect man!
“However, if that giant turd weren’t floating in it, that swimming pool would be perfectly refreshing!”
You cannot date who you wish someone were. You cannot date who someone has the potential to become. You cannot date who someone says they are “working on” becoming. You cannot date only the good parts of a person. You cannot date who a person would be if only he changed in some fundamental way that he has shown no actual inclination toward changing.
He’s 31 years old. He’s not a dumb kid who hasn’t figured himself out yet. Either he’s an adult who:
1. *has* figured himself out, and *chooses* to have a life full of addiction, debt, and laziness, or
2. *has not figured himself out* over the past thirteen years of his life, and therefore doesn’t even know *why* his life is full of addiction, debt, and laziness.
Which of those would you rather be dating? The one who has figured stuff out and *chosen* to be feckless, aimless, and out of control? Or the one who simply never got around, in over a decade, to *choosing* not to be feckless, aimless, and out of control?
Because you’re dating *one* of those, so you might as well hope it’s the one you’d prefer.
Here’s the thing:
*You cannot change him*. People never change unless *they* want to change.
*You cannot make him want to change*. That has to come from within him, or it will never happen at all.
But what *will* happen, if you do this:
> breaking up but saying we can get back together if he genuinely sorts himself out
…is:
1. He will get a fire lit under him, not to *actually* change, but to create a facade of change that is *just* enough to convince you that he’s in it for realsies
2. He will put on a burst of “effort” that will warm your heart all the way down to your cockles, because “look at how much he’s willing to do for me!”, so
3. You’ll give in based on his *appearance* of effort, and take him back “because I love him soooooooooooo much”, at which point
4. He’ll have gotten what he wanted (which was “you back”, not “a real and lasting change in himself”), and so suddenly his motivation for change will be *gone*, and then
5. Sooner or later, depending on his level of resolve to keep the ol’ wool pulled over your eyes, he’ll lose steam on all of these supposed “changes” that he’s made, he’ll revert to type, and you’ll be right back where you started, but wondering *why*, since “he was so serious about making things better”.
The kind of change you need from a person who has a decade or more of established pattern is not something that happens in days or weeks, or even in a small number of *months*. The kind of change you need to see in him for there even to be a *possibility* of a healthy, compatible, *balanced* relationship between you is something more usefully measured in *years*.
So put “getting back together if he sorts himself out” *right* off the table.
If you really really *really* want to be with this guy, because you’re convinced that there’s no other guy in the universe that has every single one of his positive qualities *without* all of the addiction, debt, and laziness, then tell him this:
“We are done. Get your life sorted out and *keep* it sorted out for a minimum of two years. Two. Not one, *two*. If you are where you need to be in two years for it to be possible for us to have a mature, healthy, balanced *partnership*, then I will consider it. But not a moment before, and every time you ask before that two years is up, it resets the two-year clock, because it tells me that you are not working on yourself *for* yourself, you are putting on a show of working on yourself in order to appease me.”
He is very very very much at fault for being irresponsible and for making your life so hard due to his addictions and whatnot. His issues aren’t your fault…but you need to look at the fact that YOUR issue is that you have put YOUR needs and wants aside in order to try to accommodate him. Even now, your question is whether it is worth for wait for HIM. The real question is how you should get yourself out and to begin healing FOR YOURSELF. Relationships (healthy ones) are actually not at all about forcing yourself to try to “stick it out” with an unhealthy person just cause y’all fell in love and decided to get together. Healthy relationships actually involve a good degree of being ready to let the other person go and/or for you to exit the relationship in the scenario that one or both of you no longer feel the relationship is good for you. It is clear this isn’t good for you nor is he a good person for you. He is an adult who needs to figure himself out, yes. But you need to figure yourself out too. So let him go and don’t expect him to come back for the purpose of healing yourself first. Nobody gets extra “points” for martyring themselves like this and it doesn’t make the other person better. So you might as well move on.
It’s not your job to sit by as he self destructs or to rehabilitate him. He won’t change if he doesn’t face consequences, & he won’t get clean if he doesn’t know what desperation is.
Tbh the only option you should even consider is leaving him, your child deserves to feel safe. He’s a bum, you could do way better.
Don’t say that shit. Either commit to the braakup or don’t do it.