I am fresh out of a 4-year relationship (it’s been a month since the break-up). It was a very unhealthy and toxic relationship and although the breakup itself was hard, I came out of it with a renewed sense of self-love. Basically, while I am in some ways still grieving the end of my relationship, I’m also really feelin’ myself, and I’ve been “casually” dating for the past few weeks, which has been a great distraction from the pain but also enthralling to just get to know wildly different people and also to feel personally desired.

I have seen three people so far and slept with two. All three of them, I have been upfront from the get-go that I am fresh out of a relationship and just seeing what’s out there and looking to meet people and have fun.

However, I feel like all three of them have glossed over this and pursued things as if I were looking for a relationship. I’m an empathic person and this is just the vibe I am getting.

Especially from one person. We had our second (only second!) date tonight, and the vibe was strong enough that Ibfelt the need to express for a second time that I have a lot of healing and growing to do and I’m not looking for anything serious right now. For the rest of the date he was noticeably different/less engaging — it was clear that he had caught feelings and I had broken that hope. We said goodbye and it was frankly very awkward; I feel immensely guilty, however, I don’t know what else I can do to prevent this from happening, besides being upfront with people, which I have been.

Am I missing something? Like I said, I just want to put myself out there, meet new people, and have fun. But I constantly feel like I’m doing something wrong, and I feel guilty. Which isn’t fun.

Any tips?

Edit: I’m a gay male FYI. And by ‘slept with’ I mean literally slept over, kissed/got handsy but did not have sex.

33 comments

  1. >Am I missing something?

    No.

    Unfortunately, many people are desperate and immediately cling to even the slightest bit of attention or affection.

    The only thing you can do is vet harder before meeting and try to make your intentions *as clear as possible* from the get-go.

  2. I think you’re missing that you’re essentially using them for a casual hook up. Sure you told them before you used them so they’re more volunteers than victims, but that’s what you’re feeling here.

  3. I literally cannot imagine sleeping with these guys I am casually dating, but to each their own.

  4. As long as you’re stating your true intentions from the beginning you’re good.

    Maybe look for individuals only interested in hooking up

  5. You cant manage anyone elses emotions. The most you can do is be upfront, which relieves you of any possible guilt if they choose to not believe / ignore you.

    Will say, Ive had this experience as well. Ive been upfront, in my profile, clarified before meeting, brought it up on the first date, that Im just not in a place of my life / the headspace to be in a serious relationship and just looking for something casual.

    A couple dates later and they’re telling me how their friends are excited to meet me, and future talking. At that point, I just cut loose, let them know I genuinely meant it that Im not looking for anything serious, and that I dont think being in a casual thing with them is going to work. I absolutely will not continue to see someone who wants something I do not, Im not trying to lead anyone on that theres a chance, and its not fair to either of us. Cause I dont wanna have to walk on glass, monitoring every little thing I say or do out of fear he will read into it as a sign my feelings have changed.

    There is nothing you can do to prevent what other people choose to do. Just keep being upfront and honest, and dont get yourself roped into something you’ll regret, just cause you dont want to hurt someones feelings. Your feelings, and what you need right now matter too.

  6. If the guilt of breaking a man’s heart is too much for you then stick with 1 or 2 as permanent booty calls until you want something more. They are all adults they don’t need you to coddle them like you’re their mother.

  8. Three people in a month sounds like a lot to juggle, seems like you’re tying to distract yourself keeping busy because none of that sounds enjoyable. You can do other things that don’t result in guilt

  9. Maybe you should word it very exactly so that it can’t be misunderstood.

    “I’m looking for casual fun, I’m not looking for a relationship or anything serious.”

  10. The short answer is I don’t sleep with multiple guys at once. Casual dating for me is a coffee date to get to know someone, no sleeping together on the first date, and if I’m really feeling it I only hook up with one guy while I go on first dates with other guys to see if there’s a deeper connection. Only one guy gets priority at a time until either he freaks out, we become exclusive, or someone better comes along (that’s never happened before).

  11. At least you were honest.

    The fact that you feel guilt after sleeping with someone with whom you are not attached is admirable.

    I think you are a relationship person.

    You may be better off not sleeping with anyone unless it is a person with whom you would like to be in a relationship.

  12. I’m going to be a bit rude – 1 month post a 4 year toxic relationship is really really really stupidly quick. I would not date when that emotionally vulnerable. Not good for you or them. Rebounds are tempting but they often don’t do much but add complications

  13. I have been in your shoes, gender reversed. Just be clear about your boundaries. You can’t avoid hurt feelings, your own included, if you are going to be intimate with people. It sucks to break up, sucks to dump people, sucks when you know you aren’t on the same page. But you get some companionship along the way.

  14. I can’t do this but if you are deadset on it I would continue being radically honest. That seems to be the most ethical approach in my opinion. Being completely transparent will spare a lot of feelings if you genuinely care.

  15. Well, Kevin, it seems like you’re quite the heartbreaker! My tip for you is to maybe add a little warning sign on your forehead saying Caution: May cause unexpected feels. Happy dating!

  17. How fresh? You should take time to heal and process on your own instead of using dating apps for validation / distraction / a bandaid.

  18. I don’t think you should feel bad at all, you’re actually doing better than most by stating your intentions from the beginning.

  19. Life is funny. Posts about ppl wanting a relationship & others pretending to, to get laid & now this. What goes around, comes around. Sounds like ur fine in what ur doing. Some ppl just think they might be able to change ur mind/are desperate.- From a fellow empath.

  20. First off, state that you are not into a LTR, yet.

    Guild comes from within, it is a good thing to feel since you feel responsible. That suits you as a human being. It is called a conscience. 😁

    There is always the option to put dating on a slow burner, **heal first.**

  22. Good lord, other people arent your personal bandaid!!! :/

    Nobody has got the energy to become your personal post breakup trauma dump. Get a therapist, heal and then start dating. Dating/fucking around wont heal your heart. Discovering to be happy on your own does. Learn to regulate your own emotions without finding distraction in others, otherwise you can develop an habit of sticking in toxic relationship back to back.

  23. Maybe it’s not a bad idea to work on your healing first before hopping into the dating scene again, if you want to prevent unwanted side effects and feelings.

  25. Honestly, a month is a little soon to be casually seeing someone. If I were you, I’d take at least three months to yourself and no hookups, no dates, nothing. Just focus on healing from this and allowing yourself to have fun and be happy on your own.

  26. I wouldn’t use casual dating as a way to cover up the pain. That’s gonna be dangerous in the long run

  27. I broke up with my partner of 6 years less than a year ago and I started dating a few months after. I have been very upfront with all the men I’ve talked to from the very beginning: I’m not looking for a relationship, only a lover, I’m planning to move to another country in less than a year…

    I’ve come to the conclusion that for a lot of men it becomes a challenge, it works like reverse psychology. The less they can have you the more they want you.

  29. Okay, so you are sleeping with them back and forth?

    I mean, let’s say you slept with guy Nr1 and then with guy Nr2 – did you sleept with guy Nr1 again after sleeping with guy Nr2?

    Don’t sleep around – catching STD is one thing, but sharing that STD is another.

    Let’s say guy Nr1 is healthy, you had sex, that’s fine. Then you sleep with Nr2 and catch STD and then have sex with guy Nr1 again sharing guy’s Nr2 STD with him. (In your case there will be more that Nr 7)

    You are not doing casual dating – you are doing sleeping around. Casual dating is more like you date a guy, have fun and then move on to another not coming back to the guy you dated before. Now what you are doing is meeting and having sex with guys you know back and forth. Nr1 then Nr1 then Nr3, then Nr2 again and then Nr1 again and then Nr3. Then comes Nr4, then Nr5.

    ​

    And a tiny advice – don’t waste your time sleeping around, older you get – harder to find a relationship and maintain it.

  30. I had a similar experience. I tried casual dating (and while hook ups weren’t involved) both guys were very…. Clingy from the getgo. Could have been a bad batch but one pivoted from wanting to be casual on date one to telling me he wanted a relationship on date 2. The other got really angry with me for not immediately responding to his texts when I was on my cousin’s bachelorette trip and accusing me of ghosting him after one date.

    I totally understand the struggle with feeling guilty. One thing that is helpful is accepting that if you’re clear about your intentions from the start, you’ve done all you can (barring cutting off a relationship you perceive as too serious/too one sided, which is also valid). If someone else catches feelings or is trying to change your mind or push you towards a more committed relationship, that’s their responsibility. Unless you have violated any terms of the agreement/relationship you established, you aren’t at fault.

  31. Where are you meeting people to date? I need to find dates I’m a good looking young guy

  32. Well, Kevin, it looks like you’re quite the popular guy! But hey, it’s not your fault that your irresistible charm has them catching feelings. Maybe try wearing a sign that says Caution: Emotional Danger Ahead next time? Good luck!

  33. Well, Kevin is here to save the day! My tip for you is to start carrying around a sign that says Warning: Beware of Catching Feelings! It might help.

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