I’ve been in a longterm relationship with a woman who is a bit older than me. We are in a lease together, and we work together in a marketing company where her brother is my employer.
We have had several long-standing and recurrent issues in our relationship, and I feel I can never get her to understand my perspective unless I design a parallel scenario where she is the recipient of the same behavior. I feel like the age difference may be the reason she doesn’t have as much respect for my feelings. I often feel that she doesn’t respect me at all. I am leaving out a lot of details for the sake of anonymity.
She will often belittle me or humiliate me in public settings, which people close to me have caught on to or witnessed. My friends recently sat me down and told me that they think I may be in an abusive relationship.
I’ve given up on the relationship a few times, but I always end up getting sucked back in. And things will be better, for a little while, until they aren’t. However, I think this time I’ve really given up on making things work.
I’m still trapped in a lease for almost a full year. I can’t afford to pay it on my own and neither can she. I am still trapped in what may be the only job available to me that can pay my hefty rent and other expenses.
I know that she’s noticed that something is wrong, but I don’t want to go through another series of arguments and anxiety. Can I just keep my head down for the next year until I’m in a position to make a clean break? Is there another way out? Do I owe it to her to have this conversation with her?
I feel guilty for not communicating and expressing my feelings, but I don’t think I want resolution this time. Thank you for reading.
3 comments
You’re gonna have to fight your way out.
If you can’t get out of the lease (maybe sublet?) then just great her like a room mate. Do not engage with her any more than the absolute minimum necessary. Do not cave to emotional abuse, manipulation, extortion, or ultimatums. Treat her with total indifference. If she wants to talk then say you’re not interested in talking. She’ll pretty quickly get the message that you have checked out of the relationship. Perversely, this may increase her attraction for you, but you can’t let that change your course.
Well I am 35F and don’t think the age difference is a legit excuse for the behavior you described. I wonder if you could offer to line up someone to sublet with you, or with her, whichever is the preferred solution, until the lease is up. Just have to ask yourself which situation is worse in your mind, figuring out the financial stuff or sitting in an abusive relationship for a while longer. I think for me personally, I would find a way to get out. Best of luck to you.