I am reading this great book called “psycho-cybernetics” and i just thought that this could be helpfull to someone and wanted to share with you.
“Loneliness is a way of self-protection. Lines of communication with other people—and especially any emotional ties—are cut down. It is a way to protect our idealized self against exposure, hurt, humiliation. The lonely
personality is afraid of other people. The lonely person often complains that he has no friends, and there are no people to mix with. In most cases, he unwittingly arranges things in this manner because of his passive attitude, that it is up to other people to come to him, to make the first move, to see that he is entertained. It never occurs to him that he should contribute something to any social situation.
Regardless of your feelings, force yourself to mix and mingle with other people. After the first cold plunge, you will find yourself warming up and enjoying it if you persist. Develop some social skill that will add to the happiness of other people: dancing, bridge, playing the piano, tennis, conversation. It is an old psychological axiom that constant exposure to the object of fear immunizes against the fear. As the lonely person continues to force himself into social relations with other human beings—not in a passive way, but as an active contributor—he will gradually find that most people are friendly, and that he is accepted. His shyness and timidity begin to disappear. He feels more comfortable in the presence of other people and with himself. The experience of their acceptance ofhim enables him to accept himself.”
I found myself called out by this, as i really do unintentionaly have passive attitute and somehow uncoinsciously arange things and occasions to avoid people. I dont know why but i simply dont have interest in others and their lifes, and I am forcing myself to meet new people as i dont wanna end up alone withouth friends, but my desire to maintain any potential friendship is low.
I have boyfriend, and I lost contact with my close friends since we dont live in the same city anymore. I know it is mostly my fault, because of life and work i forget to message and call first, i get too busy with myself and I just forget about others if we are not close, i just am not always in the mood for texting. I may be selfish and expect too much and sometimes even have no idea wth is wrong with me, and currently overthinking it all but I am trying to be more social and better person in general worth of being a friend.
Sorry for my rumbling, long post and english skills, i hope it was understandable and helpful to someone else. If you have any helpful suggestion or any opinion please share:))
7 comments
Has the book dived into the events that cause people to need the protection that loneliness offers? Like past traumas or rational/irrational fears of exposure/hurt/humiliation?
>it is up to other people to come to him
This is absolutely true, and something I’m trying to improve. I generally feel like people get annoyed when I come around, so I just wait for them to come to me.
However, it really sucks when you begin to notice that you’re always the one going to everyone else, and nobody contacts you first.
This isn’t something that I think is said enough. All relationships take effort to maintain. This includes family, friends, work connections, etc.
If you value a relationship you will need to put effort into maintaining it. I am very reserved and reclusive person. I also am aware that if I don’t contact other people for long enough my bonds with them will weaken.
You need to choose which connections you want to keep and nurture them. You dont need a big social circle, just one that makes you happy.
I think life experience shapes adults into somethings they were not when they were kid .
I agree with you about lonely people’s behavior , that being said, don’t forget, that’s the result of being rejected and neglected many times. I think this behavior is coming from negative experiences.
There’s always Reddit to keep you company! Also, try joining a cult. They’re great at making friends.
Don’t worry, you can always try the sitting next to creepy strangers on a bus dating app. Works wonders!
You know what they say, If loneliness is a way that doesn’t work, try connecting with wifi instead!