I didn’t see myself being such a failure at 32, but here I am. Single, no kids, no family, generally unskilled and just get by. Never had money, probably will work until I die. Anyone I personally know around my age has a family, significant income, good jobs, etc, asking them anything doesn’t help me at all. So looking to see how others my age in similar situations keep getting out of bed everyday.
33 comments
Not sure if I qualify but I am also single with no girlfriend since high school. I have a job and recently got a raise. My mortgage is paid off and have no real debts besides credit cards. I’m 32 and relate to your situation because I feel like a social failure. I have disposable income but no friends or a girlfriend who I can spend it with.
My nights are filled to the brim with watching sports, movies, playing games, and lifting weights. It’s tough and I’m losing interest in finding a life partner. Right now, I just want to fuck off to some remote beach house and be alone. I don’t care anymore about company; just want to be at peace.
I already dealt with all the social drama, hooked up with girls I’m not in love with, and faced disappointments. I’m drained emotionally and want nothing else but a calm mind.
Hunger pains keep me going.
https://youtu.be/dZMR4m3HV9Y
This song.
There are two bits of life wisdom I picked up years ago that have paid off in spades as far as giving me a reason to get out of bed every day.
The first comes from Tim Ferriss (I think.) Figure out what excites you, then do it. This simple idea guides almost all of my major life decisions, which has caused me to move a few times, change careers, and take up new, interesting, challenging hobbies.
The second comes from Mark Manson. Set up your life so the problems you’ll face are the kinds of problems you love to solve. Life is filled with problems, whether you’re single, in a relationship, or married. Doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, have kids or not. It doesn’t matter if you have your dream job or a job you hate. You’re gonna have problems. Anticipate those problems, then make life decisions based on creating the problems you like solving.
The bonus to adopting these two ideas is it inherently leads you to living the life YOU want to live regardless of what others are doing. You’re not envious of others because you understand your path to happiness and fulfillment is YOUR path. The path they’re on is irrelevant.
What are you passionate about? Like what is the one thing you love the most and are you making a career out of it?
If you don’t really have anything, it is because you haven’t tried it yet. Make it a goal to try something new each month. Make a vlog about your journey. Your personal quest to find what you love.
Say you have never done glass blowing and on a whim you try it. You shape glass, molten sand into whatever the heck you want. You can make it into a wicked dragon, or a snowman, or some cherub. Beautiful glass bowls that are also functional.
So.. what are you passionate about?
Two things that make me feel better:
1. set goals and actively try to hit them.
2. go on walks where you just intentionally try to be in the present moment, and enjoying the walk.
The median age is 38.2, so you’re actually still technically a young man.
People generally and men specifically don’t really hit their stride until their 40s. Just like how you’re more capable now than you were at 12, you’ll be even more capable in the future than you are now.
With that in mind, life at this age should be focused on packing yourself with as many enjoyable experiences as you are comfortable with. That way when you eventually become your most capable self, you’ll already be prepared to tackle whatever is in front of you.
I enjoy the struggle. It needs to be defeated.
Check out [Ikigai](https://www.japan.go.jp/kizuna/2022/03/ikigai_japanese_secret_to_a_joyful_life.html#:~:text=The%20Japanese%20word%20ikigai%2C%20which,on%20mental%20and%20physical%20health.), it may give you some guidance for a path forward!
If you have nothing tying you down, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by risking something for the unknown.
Cruise ships will pay you to travel, in addition to free room and board and a built-in social life. I hear some people try it for a summer and do it for years, only leaving it when they have enough money saved to do pretty much whatever they want, and traveling and meeting/seeing people from all over helps them figure out what that is
Having nothing to lose is actually the most powerful position to be in, in life, in that you almost can’t screw it up by changing things even if you don’t know what you’re doing.
When nothing is working, shake up the chaos and see what falls out.
The biggest regret I have got was ending up in a bad relationship because frankly social pressure. This was expectation from people around me friends and family that did not have my best interest at heart, they put me in a box and I accepted the box.
So what you need to do right now and quickly is educate yourself about you and about the people around you. For you find your attachment type. For The people around you find out if they are genuinely bad (get a clinical book on narcissism) and ask yourself if their pattern of behaviour towards you has ever been of the type where they are looking out for your best interest or just putting you down and limiting you. The chances are it is the latter. Get rid of them from your life even if lifelong “friends” and then consider your community is it the best place for you, if not go now to somewhere more likely to be, even if around the world.
I’m 34 this year and I’ve a couple of similar issues to these, and I’ve also got progressive muscle wasting from a genetic condition, that could potentially finish me off as early as my 40s, but likely won’t before my 60s. That was a pretty crushing hit to take when I got diagnosed, and it lost me both my (crummy) job due to it being physically too much, and my 7+ year relationship due to her not wanting to be stuck with me.
Took me like 2.5 years to get into a place where I wasn’t shut up in my room mourning what I’d lost and would lose eventually, laying around the house in front of tv, making the wasting worse by inactivity, all gloom and doom etc. But eventually I just kind of *did* it? You hit a point where you realize moping around isn’t helping you, and is in fact harming you more, and you just grab onto whatever brings you any joy and satisfaction, and drag yourself along until you get into the habit of living again.
I went back to school to do postgraduate study this year, and to then move into a field with that qualification after I graduate, I’m broke as shit but I’m not worrying about it too much, I find joy from my friends and family and hobbies, and by following a life goals plan instead of just drifting along. I still get sad about what’s happening, still have bad days, I ate shit in a parking lot like 2 days ago when my knees folded and my friends had to drag my ass back up, embarrassing! But we move, as the kids say.
(Unfortunately our generation is mostly going to be working until we die, but that’s on previous generations screwing up the world mostly, even your friends doing well aren’t exempt from that sadly. So don’t feel like a failure there, we’re all in that boat if we don’t have generational wealth or massive salaries)
If it’s any consolation, I’m 31, single, no kids, no family, never had money. And unlike you, I am unemployed. You’re doing better than me bud.
A lot of interesting and thoughtful answers here that, in many ways, are variations on a timeless theme found in the wisdom traditions of the world: We are here to endure. The very first Noble Truth in Buddhism is “Life is suffering.” That’s not meant as some dour diagnosis a la Sartre either. The Second Noble Truth immediately states “Suffering is caused by needless desires.”
“Doing well” then becomes an odd proposition if it’s about houses, cars, boats, trophy spouses, fame, accolades, etc. These are not bad in and of themselves, but as many can attest, they miss the mark entirely. My outlook is also informed by living in LA and rubbing elbows with so many of the proverbial princes and paupers in this volatile city. I’ve met many who achieved their dreams – fame, success, and wealth. The quotient of misery did not diminish. Often, it increased. I’m reminded of the people I really admired when I was a bit younger – Elliott Smith, Chris Cornell, Anthony Bourdain, etc. And I’m in disbelief more now out of compassion than anything else.
Recently, I read about how Deion Sanders was on the verge of suicide *after* he’d just won his first Super Bowl. Why? He reached his mountain top and found it empty or, at least, not what he’d envisioned for so long.
If you about Tolstoy’s suicidal despair in James’ “The Varieties of Religious Experience” it actually echoes Sanders. The remedy for both Tolstoy and Sanders was pursuing meaningful faith.
Of course, this is not an answer that’s at all popular these days. Somehow we’ve convinced ourselves that *all the answers* now reside in the last two decades and not the thousands of years of wisdom that preceded us.
After much failure, heartbreak, my own impulses to end it, I realize more than ever, we’re here to love one another, be kind to one another, stand up for one another, friends, family, strangers alike. And only faith allows that door to open in full because I don’t just feel for others, I feel responsible for others. Smiling feels like a superpower amid the many sad, sour faces I see around me. Kesey’s famous book, “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” was meant as a metaphor for society and I think he nails it. So I do my best to be a Randle McMurphy.
Principally, learning how not to call myself a failure, as you have done, allows me to accept and celebrate my life as it is instead of mourning what might have been. That’s a place to start.
All humans are ultimately failures. We live for a while, die, and are forgotten. That’s true even of the most memorable figures.
Live for yourself and this life. You’re not that special. Accept that.
The personal answer isn’t a positive response, but I keep going through inertia and because the alternative is surprisingly hard to implement. I’ve personally given up and I am just floating through life until whatever happens happens. It turns out just waiting to die is a terrible way to live, so I hope you take me rattling my chains like Jacob Marley seriously.
Most advice I have seen for this is centered around building up the human connections that give folks the motivation and foundation to better their own standing, so trying to find social hobbies, volunteering, something that gets you out and meshed with people and a sense of community. It seems that most people who find their way out of this type of funk either have a crucible of self reliance and drive that pushes them out, which is dependent on individuals and can’t really be sparked externally, or else they find a way to get stuck in with other people, to matter to them and have them matter to you. That seems to give shape and routine that helps folks work their way out. And of course, if you’re in a position to talk to a professional like a therapist, then that can also help you figure out your direction and work on the personal obstacles in your life.
Keep plugging away at it, I hope you find your footing again soon.
You have to remember that life can always change for the better or worse at any moment. But you need to put in the work and stay patient and remember that it’s a marathon, not a sprint.
You’re going to wake up in 8 years when you are 40. What do you want your life to look like then? Once you have an idea, build a plan to make it happen.
Your 30’s are actually a great decade to push the gas pedal on this stuff. A lot of people tend to go into cruise control, while you can ramp it up and use your life experience to your benefit.
The only way out is forward. I may not be exactly where I want to be right now, or where I expected to be at 35, but my life has still improved every year, and that will only continue if I put in the effort
What can you change? The realization is the first step, then start effecting change.
You can also embrace living quietly and simply. If you don’t have money, you seem to have time. It’s the only thing you can’t accumulate, and people dispose of it as if unlimited. You have the opportunity to make something out of it.
I briefly did well, and then one day, I didn’t. I guess just the fact that I’ve got two options: Keep going or not. What prevents me from not is the knowledge that when you’re dead, you’re dead, and I’ll never see the movies I love again, or listen to music, or read a book. I won’t have the chance to see my nephew grow up. I won’t get to see the Steelers win a Super Bowl or the Penguins win a Stanley Cup. I won’t feel pain, but I also won’t get to feel joy. If I decide that I’m done, it will mean I’ve lost to depression, and I don’t like to lose. That’s what keeps me going.
On paper I have done well for myself, even though I’m currently between jobs. (Have a law degree, in a long term relationship by choice, not married and no kids by choice). The only thing that keeps me going is what else am I going to do? Life is fucking pointless but I do my best to enjoy myself and find joy in my hobbies. Hopefully my next job won’t be as soul sucking but if I want good pay as an attorney most likely it’s gonna be soul sucking.
what other choice is there
Life is for the living.
Somehow people who live on much less than we do manage to have decent lives. To it cannot only be about the money. I have kids and family, and they provide my reason for living when I feel discouraged. I have enough money to get by, but I can tell you that I’ve been desperately sad with plenty of money in the bank and extremely joyful with almost no money to my name.
Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe inertia? I’m too weak/scared to end it all so i trudge along. I’m like how you described yourself except I’m much older. You are me when I was 32. I’m approaching 50 and live paycheck to paycheck. I’ve had one girlfriend/LTR my whole life.
The illusion of linear space-time.
Keep it together for a few more years and your friends will be telling you how much they envy you for not being tied down with a family, a house, and endless responsibilities.
Took me awhile to realize that we are all here for a reason, but not the same reason. While a “rewarding” career, house, spouse and kids are what many seem to think is the only reason I can assure you it is not. You are probably an old soul. Well developed and preparing for a new stage beyond the human experience. You’ve likely already done all that stuff in past lives and now you must seek higher wisdom. Your interest in spirituality is what you should follow. Life is not a contest, nor is it a competition as many are bred to believe. This may sound crazy but I admire the squirrels and the birds. They live their lives, rain or shine, gather their food and build their shelters, just as much as they need, never more. They don’t try to build a bigger nest then the other birds or gather more nuts than the other squirrels and than scoff at the “failures with a couple of peanuts”. They wake up do what they gotta do to get through the day, and than chill out play a bit and go to bed and do it again the next day. Anyways hope this helps .
Being Single and NOT having kids, is NOT failing.
Here is a random possibly crazy suggestion. Take dance lessons, swing maybe ballroom.
Proving all the motherfuckers who keep doubting me wrong.
I’m 36. I switched career paths at 33 and started from the bottom again. But I fell in love with the work and used some of the skills from my old career that translated over, and now I work for an international company, second in command in my department. It’s a small company, and I don’t make fantastic money, but I love what I do, and it pays the bills with some leftover. It’s not too late to start over and be happy. You just have to work for it.
This will seem like strange advice but hope is what motivates many people.
No matter where is was in life, struggling or doing well I have always played the lottery. My biggest win ever is $250. I know I will not win the lottery, but I get lots of hope for $2 per week.
Trust me, it is about controlled spending. If you play more than you can lose, you are doing it wrong.
While I said I know I will not win, there is always the hope and dream of winning and what I would do with the money. When I am having a tough time with life, a few tickets can turn my day around.
Saying all of that, only one person can change your situation and that is you.
You are still relatively young and can learn a trade skill. Plumber, electrician or start a landscaping company.