Hi Reddit, my wife and I have been married for 3 years and together for 9, most of which has been fairly happy. When I married her, I knew she suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. However, I have realized that they have been weighing on me over time. While this weight is not nearly as much as the burden she feels, I’m struggling to imagine the rest of my life like this.
When she has a anxiety attack, which happens around 3-5 times a month, it can be about something big or small. The most common source of her anxiety is her family. I won’t get into her family dynamic, but let’s just say they are A LOT. The trouble for me is that whenever she has an attack, she will often yell at me and blame me for what is going on. I try to remain calm in these situations, but being blamed for the cause of her misery is hurtful and emotionally draining. When I told her something along those lines, she said that this is just how she handles a panic attack and that it is never going to change. I know that I do not always say the right things during these events, but it feels like regardless of what I say, we usually get to the point where I am blamed for something.
My wife does not want to go to therapy, both because it is expensive and she does not want to talk about her family with anyone (as it is emotionally difficult for her). At this point, I am turning to you all for advice on how to proceed. I’d appreciate any recommendations for how I can better support her during her panic attacks and handle her lashing out.
11 comments
It sounds like you’ve supported her enough and at this point she’s just happy to use you as a verbal punching bag, which is completely unacceptable
She needs to put her big girl pants on and go to therapy or find alternative coping strategies, lashing out at you regularly is not okay.
You sound like a good egg but you’re not being very kind to yourself.
She needs individual therapy and I think couples counseling is in order.
What she’s doing to manage her issues (nothing) is not acceptable even if she were not taking it out on you but that’s what’s happening. You are not her emotional support animal and you’re not meant to be a punching bag. This is abusive behavior on her part.
I’m not without empathy for her but she’s literally doing NOTHING to fix it and finds it acceptable to beat you up in lieu of actually putting in the work to create a healthier situation.
Again. I’m saying it again because you’re a man and probably don’t want to admit it: you’re in an abusive relationship. It is harming your mental health. It is not okay. You do not deserve this. This is not you being “supportive”, this is you being ABUSED and it’s not okay just because you’re a man and she has unmitigated mental health issues.
If I (44F) were in your shoes, I’d tell her something like “babe, I love you and want you to be happy. I want our relationship to last forever. But I want to be happy too. When you blow up due to your anxiety, I feel helpless and attacked and deeply sad and frustrated. These issues are impacting my own mental health. Moving forward, I would like to see you in individual therapy to learn skills to manage your anxiety and I’d like to meet you in couples therapy so that we can find a better way to communicate our needs and navigate these issues. If that’s not something you’re willing to do or if I don’t see improvement, I need to reevaluate the relationship as this is not working for me as is.”
Be THAT direct.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep her warm. You deserve to be happy and have a healthy relationship. I’m sure there are some opportunities for you to improve as well in therapy but at the top of this list would be that you need to learn to not accept abuse as normal just because someone you care about tells you that it is.
You can love someone very much and still need to step away to protect yourself.
First, wait for a few days after the latest attack. In highly emotional times, objectivity is the first thing out the window.
Start with empathy and explain your desire to help her work through it together. You don’t want her upset, and you’d like to help her work through her anxiety. Her anxious moments hurts you too, because you don’t want to see her upset.
Move on to explaining that you are the one standing by her side through this, and while she may not realize she’s doing it, she is taking out some of this on you (sure, that last part may be a white lie, but you want to give her an out here).
Finally, when she takes this out on you, you can’t be as supportive to her, as your own feelings muddy the water.
As someone who also has anxiety and panic attacks, I am so sorry that your wife is coming after you like this. You are NOT the source of her stress, her family is. She needs to address this with a professional.
That is the ONLY way this is ever going to get better.
When I was at my worst, I was not eating, not sleeping, had terrible coping mechanisms, and was just a bitter person. I was able to manage my anxiety in about 3-4 months with the help of a therapist who was a swift kick in the ass.
She HAS to talk to a mental health professional. What happens if she’s at work and she has a panic attack? Is she just going to lash out at someone nearby? She could get fired. This is an incredibly dangerous situation and is affecting your marriage and potentially your livelihoods.
Regardless, you also need to see a therapist yourself to learn how to set boundaries. It’s a life saver, trust me. You can’t keep sacrificing yourself to this degree for the sake of your wife. At some point, you have to have a hard convo and then know when to walk away if she doesn’t learn to take care of herself. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.
Time for wife to put her big girl panties on and speak to someone to deal with it. If it’s getting to the stage that she’s yelling at you and blaming you for it, it’s time to get professional help. Usually just lots of reassurance, encouraging breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth to get it under control and just continue telling that person, that it’ll pass. I think your wife is beyond that at this point.
Your wife does not get to use you as an emotional punching bag. It is actually not your responsibility to “support her” when she chooses to lash out at you rather than treat her mental health. If this is “how she handles a panic attack” (narrator: that’s not handling it), then how YOU “handle a panic attack” is to leave the house and tell her you’ll be back when she’s done. Stop enabling her bad behavior.
Umm, carefully.
My fiancee goes through these, also, and at about the same frequency. I do breathing exercises ( inhale through nose with a 4 count, exhale though mouth, also a 4 count) with her to help slow her breathing and heart rate, and we also try a kind of distraction therapy. In our case I got her a snow globe. If she’s starting to feel anxious she will sometimes shake it up and distract herself with it. These things work in most cases for us. Hopefully these ideas help you, or give you something to think consider.
Edited for a grammar error.
I have really bad anxiety, she doesn’t have to see a therapist, she can see a psychiatrist, they have clinics that help for low income or no insurance if needed. She can get on medication for it and the psychiatrist wont pry about her family life as that’s not what they do. It’s not her fault that she has anxiety and panic attacks but it’s her responsibility and you should under no circumstances be treated as her punching bag.
I (39F) also suffer from anxiety. I used to have frequent panic attacks, but with treatment that has gotten much, much better. I was friends with my now bf (42m) for several years before we started dating. With that change, he saw more of my struggles as our relationship became closer. I told him that I really appreciate his support and understanding. In response, he told me how much he appreciates my efforts to take medications and go to therapy. Until he said that, I didn’t realize how much that meant to him. My advice- when she is calm, talk to her about your needs in handling her anxiety. This effects both partners in the relationship.
Just listen and hold her or if she doesn’t want to be touched just sit in the room w her until she calms down. Hugs have always helped me and my boyfriend takes my hands looks me in the eyes and speaks logic into my head because anxiety can cause you to overreact or he just tells me he loves me and everything will be okay and that he’s there for me. In that moment she just needs to feel loved and supported. I’m glad that you are trying to find ways to help her!