Tl;dr brother-in-law often does not respect boundaries and insists on paying for meals in a manner that’s lacking discussion and respect for us.
My Indian brother-in-law (45m)often demonstrates a lack of respect for personal boundaries in various ways. For instance, he insists on paying for every meal we share, even though it is customary in our culture to split the bill. Additionally, he often engages in preaching, using grand gestures and behaviors that he cannot consistently maintain.
Recently, I (35m) organized a birthday celebration for my wife (41f) and invited nine guests, including my brother-in-law. During lunch, he repeatedly offered to pay for the meal, despite my declining his offer. He even asked again as the meal was coming to an end, and my wife also declined. Despite my explicit instructions not to pay, he went ahead and paid the bill of $458 at the end of the meal.
I was pretty angry and frustrated and I refused to engage in conversation with him, walking off to my car and leaving a family chat group we share in case my anger got the better of me.
Later, my wife texted him and repaid the amount through a bank transfer after some discussion with him and without discussing my feelings with me.
Since that incident occurred a month ago, my brother-in-law has been acting as if he is oblivious to the situation, calling my wife daily for casual chats. Today, I reached a breaking point and asked my wife to stop enabling this charade. I’m unsure whether he feels guilty and calls daily to see if he will learn something or if he is simply oblivious to the impact of his actions.
A few years ago, he evicted my wife from his rented house because she fell in love with someone he didn’t know. This behavior was extremely egotistical and contradicted his supposed care for her (evicting someone for dating someone he doesn’t know). Since then, our relationship with him has been strained, and he often treats us in a patronizing and condescending manner, as if we are socially inferior to him.
I am effin annoyed by his behaviour and I need advice on how to manage this guy and navigate this challenging situation.
3 comments
He calls her to talk casually every day? He evicted her because she started dating someone? Have you discussed with her the possibility that he has feelings for her?
I mean, this seems mostly about paying at restaurants, and honestly, if this was my bother in law, I’d just accept the fact that he’s going to pay and that’s how he is. I’d continue to offer, and continue to expect he will pay.
It seems like your wife doesn’t seem to be as upset about this as you are tho. So you two should probably make sure you’re on the same page.
[deleted]