I didn’t want to be a toxic crazy woman checking every step my partner makes.
BUT, sometimes I feel maybe he gets TOO comfortable. I don’t check his phone, I hardly ever grab his phone. I don’t have his social media accounts and although I trust him.
I have read so many stories and heard as well about women finding out about their husbands affairs, husbands downloading dating sites, husbands secret porn addictions or only fans addictions and I am starting to doubt I am trusting him way to much.
I have two daughter with him, and I would feel very bad if he might be living a secret life in his phone. He’s gone for long, probably 3 weeks due to him being a truck driver.
I have told him my boundaries but since he’s always alone, and since you can erase everything on the phone.
Sometimes it gives me anxiety he might be doing something betrayal behind my back.
Idk what to think.
31 comments
What are you going to do if you find something?
Not once in 20 years.
No. We know each others passwords and often borrow one another’s phones but neither of us have the inclination to go through them. We were upfront when we first got together about the importance of trust and how we were done dealing with jealous, controlling partners and that accusations and snooping were something we wouldn’t tolerate.
Nope, no reason to
I hate to be so judgemental here but every truck driver ik married and or single has something going on .. whether it’s porn, or an EA of some sort.
I’m a believer that if you are constantly checking into your SO’s phone, you will end up finding something, if nothing else than to have a reason to feel justified about it.
I have never checked my spouse’s phone nor he mine.. married almost 25 years. He’s never given me a reason to be suspicious. We sit right next to each other (a chair and half) on our phones always, handing them back and forth showing each other stuff etc
Why are you still with this person when you don’t trust them? If it’s because he’s never actually given you a real reason for the distrust, then you need to get yourself some help. I’m serious.
Never. My husband and I treat our phones as diaries, not just as ours, but for our friends. My best friends have disclosed things to me that are not his business and also we talk about shit, and sometimes that shit is something that has me angry at my husband.
Honestly the amount of “demand they show you their phone” or “look through their phone” comments makes me so ragey.
People are entitled to privacy and honestly if you are at the “look through their phone” stage, it’s time to have a serious serious talk.
I know my husbands passcode and he knows mine. We have responded to texts for one another and he’s kept my phone while I have had surgeries etc.
Due to betrayal of trust in the past we have open phone policies, and my husband encourages me to look any time I feel the need to be reassured. We wouldn’t read each other’s text messages, but realistically neither of us should be doing anything online that we can’t do openly in front of each other.
Never ever, it goes against everything I believe in. I trust my husband completely, as he does me. We use each other’s phones to check something on google or look something up, we have no secrets from each other.
We’ve been married 25 years and he’s former military and a current firefighter, so we’ve been apart for at least half our marriage. We don’t check each other’s phones because we trust each other’s character and are both invested in making our marriage work. Being apart that much just doesn’t work without a foundation of trust.
We know each other’s expectations when it comes to being faithful and trust each other not to cross boundaries. He could look at my phone anytime he wanted and I could look at his; however, checking a phone is something reactionary (usually responding to a gut feeling or suspicious behavior), and we just don’t feel the need.
We’ve been together 13 years and I’ve never searched his phone until this year. I started after he left his phone on the coffee table and a notification popped up so I picked it up to see who it was, he even asked me whodat??? It was a list of sexual acts with prices and it said “let me know your selections for this week”. I found everything…. Strip clubs, massage parlors, escorts, onlyfans, camsites, secret social media accounts, dating apps, affair apps and so much more.
He lost his right to privacy and has been doing everything I asked but I don’t know if its worth it. I’m just dead inside. The trauma is unbelievable.
I’m not gonna lie i have had to urge to do it because of reddit posts I’ve seen, like you said. Some of these stories make me nervous. With that being said, i believe the truth will always come to light whether you check someones phone or not. If you ever take your husbands phone to use google or take a picture and he acts all crazy then I definitely believe hes hiding something in there. Sometimes my phone is literally not around and I need his; he doesn’t act weird about handing his phone over, therefore, I don’t feel the need to go through it.
No, and don’t care if she checks mine. If you think you should check for funny business, then you probably have issues to address. My wife and I have full access to each other’s devices and accounts, except classified stuff (me).
Nope. Don’t need to.
Define check. I’ve heard a text come in at 3 am and yes I checked the sender. Saw who it was didn’t need to check the message.
In all things use common sense. If you have suspicions or notice a change then do all you need to do. There’s no award for being cool but paranoia will create problems you want to find
No, I have never checked his phone because I am 100% confident I wouldn’t find anything “off” in there.
Nope. I have no reason to.
Never. Married 17 years.
I look at it like this….my husband is his own person. His own individual with his own agency. His phone is his own private property. It’s none of my business what’s on it. He doesn’t try to hide his phone and I don’t try to look at it.
If he’s going to cheat, I can’t stop him.
It’ll come out one way or another.
Never
Nope, never
I have an admittedly warped but absolutely fixed position on this subject. My mother was a serial adulterer, she would even take us ( 3 children) in tow when she would meet up with her lovers and coach us to lie to my broken, devestated father. She also had a non-negotiable policy of “stay out of my purse, underwear drawer, glove compartment,” this was before cell phones and the age of electronic devices etc.
Here is where I shut my ears regarding everyone’s smug arguments on privacy, trust and insecure spouses.
Trust is not a given. Not ever. Trust is earned over time and nurtured with regular maintenance and consideration.
If you want “privacy/autonomy” be single. If you feel entitled to compartmentalize your phone, email accounts or closets then I can and will assume you have something you’re hiding and you are the one who is toying with the notion of trust and weaponizing doubt and concern as a power play of “morality/emotional security”
There is one realm my partner gets to enjoy total sanctity. The space between his ears. He need not broadcast to me that the admin in accounting has the best ass in town. He can even shut his eyes and imagine it as he spunks on mine. Thoughts are okay. When thoughts evolve into actions, we have already ventured into dangerous territory. If he has emailed Annie “The Ass” Parker for non work related issues, or texted her to meet up for drinks, or hidden her barrette in his wardrobe he’s already crossed the line.
If there are areas of our shared life you have quarantined off, then you have something to hide. Plain and simple. If you are hiding something and I in good faith ask you and you begin down some flimsy, sanctimonious diatribe regarding trust and your individuality and privacy then I will get the answer on my own.
If you leave me no choice but to verify facts independent of you, be it in your phone, laptop or car, you are already failing as a spouse. My search for the truth and reassurance is no more immoral than one’s purely self -concerned demand for trust and privacy.
Like the U.S. Govenment’s policy when dealing with allies…trust, but VERIFY.
It is not only my duty to my spouse to not cheat and lie to them, it is my duty to ensure I have given them no reason to cause doubt or question my alliegence. Saying, don’t go in my handbag is cause fir doubt . Plain and simple.
There is no standard or policy I expect from another that I do not hold myself to. My husband can get whatever he wants out of my bag, hop on my computer, look through my phone. Does this mean I’m not dreaming of Tom Hardy grunting and sweating on top of me on some occasions?? Of course I do. The space between my ears is a very private place and it’s all mine.
No.
20 years married next week. Never once checked her phone.
I can any time I want, but I don’t. Same goes for my wife. If she ever felt like it, she is free to snoop.
The first time, I felt something was wrong. It was our first year living together. Since I felt something was wrong, I looked and found out he was setting up a date to watch men have sex with each other. It destroyed me inside.
I am sure he still does stuff, I am just so tired at this point I don’t bother looking anymore.
No I fully trust my partner.
Because most people want to live in a bubble of ignorance. What they don’t know can’t hurt them.
Most people who found horrible things about their partners on the phones or otherwise would have sworn how trustworthy and loving that partner is.
Ignorance is bliss, if you look you never know what you might find
Yes, always have always will. I share my body with him I should damn well be able to look in his phone.
I think it is insane that people say it is invading some privacy. What? What privacy should you even be having on your stupid little cell phone when you are married?
I am spending years of my life with this person, sharing my body and literal (sexual) heath with him, we made human beings together, we sleep in the same bed, etc etc damn right having access to his cell phone, passwords, all of it.
Yall can go ahead and ask anybody who has been betrayed if they can get those years and effort back, if they wish they had known sooner, and if they trusted their spouse. Ask them if that cell phone privacy was really a good idea.
As for me, if there is some reason my husband doesn’t want me to access his phone then I am out.
I think you need to take a break from social media for maybe a week. Maybe even a month. If social media is making you doubt your relationship with absolutely no clues or hints about cheating coming from your husband than you need to take a break. Not everyone is a cheater, not everyone is hiding something. Social media highlights those stories and make them seem more common than they really are. Please consider taking a week or two off minimum.
If you don’t trust your partner, break up with them. Don’t look through their phone.