Today I realised I’ve gotten a lot better and more mature in how I handle unrequited feelings

I’ve always found I don’t really develop crushes on people until I get to know them a bit. I might find someone attractive, but it’s a completely different feeling to when you get to know someone and realise you both click a little and your brain sends you into overdrive. I hate using the word ‘friendzone’ because I don’t see it as some horrific punishment making friends with someone who I already think is a great person, but I’ve definitely had a lot of heartbreak and unrequited feelings for girls I’ve become friends with in the past. People always say to make your intentions known early, but most of the time I don’t even know that’s how I feel until we’ve already become friendly and it hits me one day I’m in a little too deep. It’s a cycle I’ve repeated a few times.

The first couple of times it took over a year to get over it. One time I developed a massive, all consuming crush for a girl who’s still one of my best friends for this day, but she had a boyfriend and when I (stupidly and a little selfishly) told her how I feel, it took a while for us to get back to normal and talk again, and way longer for me to be completely over it. It’s happened one or two times since then, but never to that extent, and it doesn’t happen as often anymore.

Except it has now. It’s been a while and I’ve grown up quite a bit since the last time, but recently I met a girl through work and we instantly clicked. Same old pattern; we became friends, I realised she was an amazing person who I love being around, I fell for her, and for once it seemed to be going well. She asked me out for drinks. She asked me out for dinner, or to hang out, and I think perhaps at one point she was into me. I missed my chance though, I got too anxious and avoided it, and eventually it swung the other way to me asking her, but the timing didn’t quite match up. We went out for dinner one night and we messaged a lot for a while and we’re good friends, but I’d spent a couple of months crushing on her and it felt like the timing was just shitty between us and things kept getting in the way.

There was another good friend she has (also a coworker of mine) who she has had an on and off thing with since they met years ago. She’s been dating a new guy she met. A few days ago she came to me and told me she went on a date with this dude and that friend of hers got angry at her for it and argued with her over it (even though he himself has a gf lmfao). She was really upset about it and scared he wouldn’t be her friend anymore. And I realised in that moment a couple of things; it wasn’t going to happen between us because she has unresolved feelings for someone else, along with dating other people when our drinks plans never really came to anything, so she also probably just doesn’t see me that way, and I didn’t want to involve myself in the drama.

She came to me because she was upset and she needed a friend and I felt myself just accept in that moment that it’s okay. I might have unresolved feelings for her, but that’s not what she needed from me. So I just listened to her, gave her a hug when she asked for one, tried to cheer her up all day and goofed around with her until she went home feeling a little better about everything. And I didn’t go home feeling anxious, or upset, or angry at myself for missing an opportunity. I just accepted that for whatever reason, it isn’t to be, and let myself sit with it and try accept it. There will be others down the line and I don’t have to spend my life waiting for people to magically develop feelings back for me.

Years ago when I was more immature I would have sat with this for months on end, eventually reached a breaking point and awkwardly spurted out how I feel and messed the friendship up. But the other day I just listened, told myself to be a good friend to her first and foremost, and left it at that. I didn’t want to be the dude who argued with her and made her feel like crap because she doesn’t feel the same. Not that I ever have done that, but her other friend doing that to her just really brought to my attention how much people just need a friend sometimes without any extra bullshit attached. And when you really do care for someone you just do what you can to make them feel better.

Do I still have feelings for her? Yeah, of course, they don’t just vanish. But I’ve learned how to manage my emotions better and I feel like before long I’ll be ready to move on and look for someone who for sure feels the same way. And I’m proud of myself for not getting so hung up, not emotionally torturing myself and not letting my head run away with me. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but I think it’s one every person eventually has to come to terms with and I’m glad I finally managed to mature enough to handle it all a little better.