Hey guys,
Using a throwaway; I know how the title sounds and that it’s a long post but the background is important.
Back in mid 2020, I was in a serious car crash. I was in a coma for two weeks and when I woke up the doctors told me that I would need a wheelchair and that I essentially had a 50/50 chance of walking again. I was crushed. It was like my entire life was over. It felt like all the work of putting myself through school to earn my phd and establishing my career went down the drain. My bf at the time couldn’t handle it and broke up with me while I was still in the hospital. I was living with my bf and I grew up in foster care so I didn’t even have any family to stay with. Luckily a good friend of 3 years at the time who we’ll call Jay, took me in and gave me his spare room. He has been my rock for the past 2 years. He has supported me throughout my recovery and I am happy to say that just a month ago I was able to go for a short jog! đ Before all of this, I just saw Jay as a good friend. He was never really my type. He was more rugged and rough around the edges while I generally preferred more classy and sensitive men. However, throughout my recovery I saw a completely different side of him, and he is the sweetest, most caring and selfless person I know. He took care of me everyday, even carrying me up and down the stairs. He refused to go out with his friends on weekends and instead took me out on wheelchair friendly outings so I wouldn’t be alone. On my really bad nights when I would cry he would hold me until I fell asleep. He drove me to and from all my appointments and helped me do my PT at home. He never asked for nor expected anything in return, going as far as not allowing me to even pay him any rent. I wouldn’t be back to walking and working today if it wasn’t for him.
Through this time I ended up falling in love with Jay. It got to a point to where I couldn’t even talk to other men romantically without thinking of him. The problem now is that I can’t see myself dating Jay or even being his gf. I want to marry him and be his wife. I’m going to propose to him and I even had a custom ring made with metals that represent what he means to me.
I have no idea how I’m going to do it so that’s where I was hoping for some advice. I know its really wierd since I’m a woman and I haven’t exactly been in a relationship with Jay but this is something that I know I want and it just feels so right . Anything helps guys. Thanks.
37 comments
Need some clarification on a few things: Does Jay even know you have romantic feelings for him? Has Jay ever expressed any similar feelings for you?
Donât do this to yourself, at least see if heâs interested. Donât ruin the friendship.
I think you should see how he feels about you before you launch into a proposal. You donât even know if he sees you romantically or if you guys are just really good friends. It might be a bit much to skip over all of the relationship bits and assume heâs ready to tie the knot.
You should never propose to someone if you haven’t already had a conversation about marriage. The “being a woman proposing to a man” bit isn’t really an issue – it’s the fact that you’ve never discussed this option.
You need to first tell him your feelings, gauge what his feelings are, and start being involved romantically. You can have a short dating period and get married quickly, that’s totally fine. But asking someone who’s not already your boyfriend and who you haven’t discussed marriage plans with is not.
If you canât see yourself dating him, then you canât see yourself in a realistic relationship. What will be the difference between a shotgun marriage and dating? It will be the same. ask to go on a date. âProposeâ a date if you like, with a gift. But preparing an engagement ring and planning some fantasy marriage isnât realistic.
So you want to marry him without dating? How would that work? This sounds like a romcom-inspired dumpster fire.
You can’t propose to someone who you aren’t dating. That’s a recipe for disaster. Ask him out on a date. Marriage isn’t until way later.
Just because you want to get married doesn’t mean he does. If you want to make a good first impression, don’t do this.
Ask him out. Donât propose. Your relationship up to this point isnât the same as having a romantic, serious relationship. You canât go from close friends to engaged overnight. This isnât a rom-com.
Slow down! What happens if Jay turns down your proposal?
There’s nothing stopping you from asking him out and proposing a month or a year from now. Can you support yourself if things get awkward?
Ask him out on a date.
He sounds like a really sweet guy. Maybe slow down a little and have a talk with him. Mention that when he asked you out when you all first met you didn’t know him very well and rejected his advance. Tell him now that you know the kind of person he is you have developed romantic feelings for him. See where it goes and then maybe visit the proposal later once you have been dating for a while. Also I’m really happy you have a friend like him and that you can walk again.
That’s a bad idea and please take the time to consider that what you are feeling right now might not be love. Give yourself (and him) a period of time where one of you is not dependent on the other, or a full time caregiver. See how you feel after a year of a relationship on a more equal footing
Slow the heck down. You should never jump to proposing to someone without even dating them. You don’t know if your friend feels that way for you and if you can’t picture dating someone you absolutely shouldn’t marry them.
This is a great way to scare him away and ruin any potential relationship.
Itâs beautiful that you feel this way. However, he is a whole live person, and he also needs to be included in this process. It sounds like rather than include him in it, your planning to spring it on him, which isnât a good idea even if he does share your feelings.
First you need to have a vulnerable conversation with him where you share how you feel and he has the chance to share how he feels. You can even tell him what you told us: âweâve been so intimate these past few years that I feel like we skipped right to the part where weâre a married couple.â But at least allow him the chance to respond, and the chance to potentially feel differently.
Then go from there.
Do you know for a fact that he feels the same way? Have you both sat down and talked about romantic feelings towards one another? Regardless of that, I think you definitely need to date him before this. If you take him by complete surprise (which sounds likely) you will probably ruin your entire relationship with him.
You need to ask him out first
proposal before dating is a no from me.
ask him out. make it clear you are asking him on a DATE. he’ll either accept (yeah) or make it clear he isn’t interested (not so yeah, but saves you the heartache).
No. Your idea is a BAD idea. He seems like a great guy. Absolutely. At least from the aspect of him stepping up and helping you in a bad time. That does NOT mean he is interested in anything romantic with you.
You never propose to someone if you donât know that the answer will be yes. You are living in the real world not a movie.
This has to be fake. No way will I believe otherwise lol. OP is either going to come back with the saddest story of being homeless and losing her friend, or will come back and be like he loves me too!!! And iâll struggle to believe either because who just proposes like this without a discussion. What a terrible, unfair place to put someone in.
If you love him, youâll just talk to him. Perhaps he has feelings for you but wants to explore that more before deciding he wants to marry you. You should respect him enough to not spring this on him.
Iâve never heard of someone proposing to just a friend?
Why arenât you asking him to be your boyfriend? Whatâs the rush??
This is… bad.
He doesn’t even know you olike him romantically and you’re going to propose???
this is fake are u fr
Does Jay have any love interest? Meaning is he dating anyone right now? Idk, proposing without even being a girlfriend.. it doesnât seem right. Please take this time to get to know him even better first, tell him that you like him, and if he reciprocates those feelings back to you, then you guys should start dating, and then marriage. Proposing without even knowing how he feels about you? Doesnât seem right imo. Marriage is a very huge commitment.
I would recommend slowing down a bit, here- Jay might not think of you in the same way, has he expressed any interest that way? Before you set up for a huge proposal and get turned down, you should do something more simple, like just ask him on a date. Not suggesting this to be a dick, just saying- if you’ve been living with him 2 years and there’s been no romantic anything in that whole time, that’s a pretty good indication he might not want anything more.
Not to sound harsh but you want to marry him cuz he takes care of you, but what exactly would you bring to the relationship? Heâs likely to get caretaker fatigue at some point, who even knows if he has romantic feelings for you. Right now heâs youâre whole world and thatâs very unhealthy. You want to propose but you havenât even told him your feelings. It honestly sounds like youâre trying to trap him into a relationship.
I really think you need to look up florence nightingale syndrome. What you’re doing is NOT healthy. Please seek therapy.
It sounds like you might have a case of Nightingale SyndromeâŠusually thatâs the caretaker developing feelings but can happen in the reverse as well.
The bad thing about it is that the feelings usually develop with very little communication between the caregiver and patient about the romantic aspect of their relationship and those feelings can die fairly quickly once the patient is independent because they werenât âtrueâ feelings to begin with; they were developed by an idealized version of the caretaker in the patientâs own mind.
Either way, donât propose. Go the slow route of talking, dating, experiencing life together as a romantic couple, not as patient and caregiver.
Go for it OP! Just make sure your bags are packed first.
In all seriousness, this sounds like the âtransferenceâ that therapists experience. Jay has gone way beyond any expectation of a friend, and itâs understandable that you, in return, love him and want to stay with him forever. He has had a very different experience from you, and you need to respect that. Maybe, instead of proposing, itâs time to move out and pursue a relationship on an equal footing.
I know someone who proposed to a friend after they trauma-bonded over shared grief, even though they never dated. They did get married but it was all very strange and ultimately wasnât successful. While I appreciate whimsical romanticism the very big gesture, I do think it is probably best to tell him everything youâve shared here – how heâs touched your heart, and start from there.
Dude, I think you need to cool it a bit. In your mind your feelings have built to the stage where you can imagine being his wife. In his mind, you may or may not be romantic material, or just a good friend. Can you imagine being proposed to by a good friend out of the blue, with zero preparation or conversation about being more than just friends? Shit, it even takes some actual boyfriends/girlfriends by surprise. You need to take it one step at a time, and just ask him, does he ever think of you two as being more than friends? And if the answer is no, cool it.
If you really loved him, you would not surprise him with something so serious and life changing.
Yeah, as others recommend, this needs to start with a talk about expanding your interpersonal relationship into romance.
I’m surprised that you’ve gotten this far in your caretaker relationship without asking “why?”
Sounds like he is the kind of guy that steps in when he sees people hurting, no questions asked. You need to explore his feelings, and maybe start by asking when he feels that his caretaker role should end — what level of restored physical ability would HE feel comfortable that you don’t need him for that kind of help? That will give you good information on where he is in the relationship, and point to next steps. If he still thinks of himself in a caretaker role, he may be hesitant to change things up for fear that he’s taking advantage of you.
This can’t be real.
I don’t care what logic is going through your head. You are skipping steps. Think of marriage as more a of legal bow on an actual relationship.
I don’t actually know your day to day interactions, but you have to actually talk about the romantic feelings first. If you can’t see yourself dating him, than you already admitted that you can’t imagine a relationship. You are living in some ridiculously crazy fantasy world.
You already know you can talk to them, but can you be intimate with them? What are there expectations for a long term romantic partner? Yes you’re supposed to marry your “best friend” but jesus christ you don’t skip those step.
TL;DR you need to have an romantic relationship first, even if he really does care about you.
**Do not do this.** If he just sees you as a friend, it will wreck your friendship. If he sees you as more than a friend, he’s going to feel a lot of pressure to rush things and not have a proper connection with you romantically.
Donât. You need to have a relationship FIRST. See if you have the same wants, goals, values, etc. Springing this on him is unfair to him. It puts him in a situation of either agree to marry someone theyâve never even dated or say no and potentially ruin your friendship, especially because you rely on him so much.
If you love him, do this the right way. Ask him on a date and let things develop naturally in their own time. Donât rush it or force it.