“Game” or strategy is such a dumb way to look at dating. As a young boy, like 14-17, I did in fact read “the game” a book written by a pick up artist. I thought It was dumb but funny. The few techniques I did pick up from the book were more helpful in sales, public speaking and building rapport with actual friends. Don’t recommend any of it for dating.
Anyways, I think the easiest and best advice anyone can and probably has given is to not make it about dating. If you are going out with the intention of meeting a partner, do something you enjoy in a public or group environment and focus on enjoying the event. Yea you can pay attention to the people you find attractive and it’s probably best if you gravitate toward them but the focus needs to be you and you having fun.
The more you treat someone like a person, a potential friend, the more they will feel comfortable and open to you. Be their friend…
9/10 of the women I try to date end up saying yes because I don’t try and date them right away. I legit just try and be a good friend. I invite them to things I like, that they might also like.
Now if this woman I want to date, I prefer women, gives me a vibe pretty quickly that she’s down, I’ll just skip the friend thing and go to the dating.
I highly recommend the friend phase though. It’s healthy for you. You’ll learn if you like this person for just their looks, If they are far different from the person you’ve created in your head, you’ll also discover tons of interesting things that’ll effect how you feel about dating them as well.
To this day, i’m a 32 year old man now, it still blows me away seeing my mature, successful, and handsome friends absolutely overthinking any encounter with someone they are attracted to. The questions they ask me about dating are almost always bonkers.
I have pretty much the same answer for them everytime.
1. Don’t over think it. If you can’t help it, back out of the situation and recover. Then try again.
2. Be ok with rejection. Super hard i’m sure but dating is hard. Very hard. Rejection is like 90% of it. People are complex and have a ton of preferences, If rejection is going to stop you from ever trying you’re going to have to figure something else out.
3. Someone who is worth truly dating is going to enjoy the person you really are. Yes you should try and act cool and interesting to them specifically the first couple of dates buuuut if you want someone and something meaningful you can’t take who you are.
28 comments
Great advice, and good to see it’s clearly worked for you! This feels like it should be kind of obvious at this point, but some people just don’t get it. Part of attracting someone is being an interesting person, and showing that you’re having fun doing something while sharing that with them is a great way to do that.
I totally agree. As a teenager who wants to get into the game, it just sucks so hard because everyone I meet is either into night stands or stuff like that which is not my type. Not many share my same values and hobbies and delights. Not saying they need them or anything, but it would be nice to not have to fight over something in the future (like smoking or tattoos for example). It’s just a numbers game but that is a nice approach.
Thanks! Guess I’ll have to start sharing my boring and miserable life then. 🤷♂️
Solid advice. Makes you come off less needy and desperate. You look past physical traits and see if you two are actually compatible. Also when you two don’t have matching energy, one person is probably not as interested. It never should feel forced.
Guess I’ve been too busy having fun to realize I had ‘game’! Thanks for the reminder, now back to enjoying life!
I agree with this 100%. A very common mistake men make is to ask for “dates” and other high-pressure, sexualized concessions before the woman is comfortable with them.
You don’t necessarily want to turn the woman into a “friend”, but you do have to establish comfort before doing anything that has sexual overtones and interacting with the woman on friendly basis is the way you do that.
yes, this the most “natural” way for things to progress and how most relationships start – at their own pace and not “forced”. Find a social circle/hobby/etc, have fun, and let women come in and out as they place.
Where this runs into difficulties is if your natural environments are not conducive to meeting single women that you are interested in – Hence people turning to online dating.
Example – I’m a frequent gym go-er, I love weightlifting and sometimes do classes for fun. However, it’s rare to find a single women and if one exists she gets clamored by all the single men in theclass. My work is mostly men. I’ve tried hiking meetups and its again mostly men and couples.
10 years ago when I was in my early twenties – oh hell yeah it worked. I’d literally meet new people/friends through friends going out and hang out / hook up / start relationships just be proximity. I don’t have that luxury now.
So although your advice is good, it’s sometimes not realistic in every situation
4. be handsome
> 100 matches in a month, 15 will be real people
This is taken from one of the OP’s comments about online dating numbers.
I’m immediately discounting any advice he’s given on the basis of these dating app numbers. He’s good-looking and high status (probably white and tall). That negates virtually any dating expertise OP might think he has. The chill attitude of the OP comes with being desired and feeling like his dating options are abundant. When you can’t match at all, that doesn’t apply. I’ve applied his advice throughout my late twenties with no success and dates telling me I’m too platonic.
Wow, I’ve been really successful in dating (married now) with the opposite approach. I was always upfront about my intentions about dating, whether casually or potentially something serious.
If you approach someone with the intention of being their friend, don’t get upset when you get “friend zoned”. You put a lot of time and effort into someone without knowing if they have the same intentions toward you.
Figuring out whether you like someone beyond their looks is what dating is for, IMO, it’s disingenuous to present as a friend and then switch it up. Plus, I doubt that most of the folks on here have the emotional wherewithal to handle the transition or rejection.
Mmany women accuse men who try being friends first of being creeps who only ever wanted to sleep with them. Personally I am too misanthropic to sleep with a woman I don’t like so friends first is the only thing that really works for me. But I have had some really negative reactions asking out someone I have been acquainted with for say a month or so, to try and figure out if I also like their personality at all. That having been said I think this is still the best way to go for anyone that isn’t attractive enough to fare well in online dating or cold approaches. I am a pretty average guy and I more than outkicked my coverage once or twice this way.
I second absolutely everything you’ve said here!! I’ve wanted to make a post like this for a bit but wasn’t sure exactly how to frame it (and didn’t want to deal w/ trolls), but you’ve done an excellent job.
To add a bit: I’ve struggled with framing things as “the friend zone” before, and the best thing I learned that help me get past it was that if there WAS a chance they would like me romantically then it will happen, and if not then we’ll just end up friends. This is a GOOD THING because who the hell wants to be in a relationship with someone who only sees them as a friend?
If they struggle to just see you as a friend, you’ll be able to tell, and it take away all the guess work on your part. Just be present, be fun, and be yourself.
I also had similar experiences with my far more handsome (and taller) friends struggling to ‘close’ and always wondering how I’d get so many dates, and I truly just think it’s that I’m not a threat? 😂
I’m just a very friendly and welcoming guy, but I know how to flirt enough so women know if I’m interested in them, and that combo seems to work pretty well!
I don’t think there is one rule fits them all solution.
Each one will have to figure out on their own what feels most natural to them. Some things that I’ve learned as important are being present, authentic and not afraid to polarize people. Approaching each person as a unique individual who you want to learn more about and being thankful for whichever experience you get. Not having expectations makes it much easier to be yourself and display an aura of confidence.
I personally prefer to make it known from the start that I am interested in the woman and that a relationship rather than friendship is my priority. Maybe this leads to more rejections from the start, but at least I end up focusing my attention on women who are likewise interested in me.
I’m glad I figured this out earlier in my life rather than later. I used to tell all of my friends to be friends with a girl first before anything else, but they were always dumbfounded that it ended up working
thats because you are attractive and outgoing/extraverted
and you assume we enjoy going out
> If you are going out with the intention of meeting a partner, do something you enjoy in a public or group environment and focus on enjoying the event
Um… didn’t you just skip a *huge* step, namely approaching strangers, introducing yourself, having a conversation, and getting their contact information? It doesn’t naturally happen for most guys without a lot of effort. And that’s exactly what “game” is – being able to quickly build rapport and convince a stranger to see you again, regardless of whether it’s for a “date” or for a friendly hangout.
Its kind of like that meme of “how to draw an owl” – you can’t just skip the hardest step!
Lighten up, my friend! Dating shouldn’t be a game, but rather a fun and enjoyable experience. Just be yourself and have a good time. And remember, rejection is just a temporary bump on the road to love. Keep being awesome!
Agree with all of this. Being social is a muscle that needs to be exercised. Going from stranger to dating is like walking into a gym and getting a personal best with no warmup.
Another analogy- it’s like scoring runs in baseball. Don’t go in trying to hit home runs all the time. Sometimes you have to settle for a single or a double. Try to manufacture something. Those base hits are friendships and acquaintances that could turn into more.
As long as we’re sharing tips for success based on personal experience, here’s my can’t lose formula:
* Get married too young to the wrong person
* Stay married for 10 years while you figure out what is missing
* Meet your perfect match at a convention
* Divorce your partner, marry the new one
I’ve been deliriously happy for 13 years with my dream-woman. Smoking hot, sexy, smart, funny, fun.
If you want to meet your perfect spouse and be happy like me, just follow this step by step recipe for success.
Given that I’m in a permanent relationship, and it sounds like the OP is still dating.. . I’m thinking you should ignore his advice and follow mine.
Everything you’re saying boils down to this:
***Treat women like people and don’t be a creep.***
I’ve *always* said rejection comes with the territory, if you can’t handle rejection then you really shouldn’t be dating lol It may sound harsh but it’s that simple. It also helps that I’m very confident, independent and self assured lol
Before you ask or assume, I’m a gay woman. Thanks lol
This is excellent advice! So refreshing to see someone giving good advice from a positive place and positive experiences instead of the opposite way around.
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To rephrase #3: what opens the door may not keep the door open. Be interesting, but don’t be someone else
I love this OP! I feel like this can go for both men and women. Thank you for sharing your “strategy non strategy.”
>Super hard i’m sure but dating is hard. Very hard. Rejection is like 90% of it.
Meanwhile, women…
I support all of this advice!
Lol, you recommend the “friend phase”? Good Lord kid…it can work, but thats generally terrible fucking advice. You sound like someone with decent looks/charisma, but very limited experience with adult women. All “game” is not trash…and you can’t lump it all together. Amateur advice….sorry.