I (28 f) have had a few situationships in the past. And none have worked out. I always dated men in “high flying” careers like mine. And I got treated very poorly.
I met my now bf (m 30) after swearing off dating. He is my first proper relationship. He’s definitely different to the men I was with before. He has a college degree and a stable job but isn’t a high flier. He just likes to be content in life and enjoy his hobbies more than work. In the beginning that really bothered me. But he treated me so well.
He actually listens when I talk. He pays attention to what I say. I know it sounds like nothing but I’ve always been very introverted and shy. People always cut me off when I talk and it hurts me so much. He’s the only person I met other than my mom who doesn’t. He remembers things when I tell him. He really respects my family.
He’s also without a doubt way more attractive than any man who has ever approached me.
Now things are starting to get serious.
And I have so many doubts. I do earn more than he does and sometimes it bothers me that he doesn’t go for career opportunities the way he should.
I know it sounds dumb but I don’t consider myself desirable or that great. I’m attractive but I’m shy and not great at flirting.
I sometimes find myself wondering what’s wrong with him that he’s with me. My family is wonderful in some ways but can be really nit picky otherwise. I just see a very flawed person when I see myself. I dated all these extra successful men who so many women want and none liked me back. They clearly saw something so lame in me that they had to drop me. So why isn’t he? I’m always scared he’s with me due to money.
No one has ever really hit on me, flirted with me , had a crush one me. I rarely ever get approached even though everyone keeps saying I’m pretty. So all this is really playing on my head.
Tl;Dr I (f 28) sometimes feel suspicious of why my bf is with me and need some advice.
6 comments
It stands out that you say “Why doesn’t he go for better opportunities…”
Cash is not the currency for everyone. I am over-qualified for my job, and once I explain to people why I work where I work and how it benefits me, they stop wondering.
You seem very money/status oriented.
For years I dealt with this internal voice that would reject guys who expressed genuine interest in me because my self esteem was so low that I’d think, “There must be something wrong with him if he’s interested in *me*.” As a result I only dated guys who treated me pretty dismissively and it reinforced my mentality that I must be undesirable or broken in some way.
What helped was seeking therapy and working on these issues. It’s hard work – some days it’s harder than others. But it’s worth it.
Therapy on why you’re so set on sabotaging a great relationship.
You have someone that respects you. Listens to you. Likes to be with you. But, you’re so trapped in your own self destruction, you only see disaster ahead.
>the way he should
I hope he leaves you before you start trying to impose your little vision for what a REAL man is supposed to be like on him. You’re just repeating your cycle of misery. Good luck.
I think you should try to like yourself more before deciding on this guy. The root of this is your self esteem, which takes years of daily practice to build up. I had to look in a mirror everyday for years pointing out things I liked about myself before I found myself attractive. I had to look at my traits that I dislike and start to spin them positively. To a lot of people, your greatest insecurities are flaws to be made up for or pointed out, but I didn’t realize that all the things I hated were beautiful to others, and they can be beautiful to you. Sometimes low self esteem is an inverted narcissism, forcing us to see neutral things as bad. It takes years of daily effort and honestly some forcing what feels like delusion on to reality. Takes a lot of effort, but please try to fall in live with yourself.
Love your smile, your laugh, the way you move. From what you say it sounds like this guy already does, so you just have to catch up.
You should go to therapy.
Also read your post aloud. It bothered you that this man put hobbies before work? Smh. You work *to live* not the other way around. Don’t judge people who actually have their priorities straight. What’s the point of making money and advancing career wise if you don’t even enjoy your life?