In our forties now and with so much of life happening in between the sex has been suffering. We average about once in two weeks. We would be content with at least twice a week and an extra one that week would be a bonus. But since that’s not happening we have now decided to schedule it
I really don’t know if that’s a great idea to spontaneous sex but we got to begin somewhere.
Is there any advise from couples who are having schedule sex if later scheduling keeps the momentum going and spontaneous session take over
33 comments
Autistic person here.
Schedules are truly the sexiest thing in the world.
Sounds fun.
Scheduled sex is great, me and the Mrs been doing it for years. Makes it easier to schedule solo time😎
Did the same for the same reason 10/10 recommend; sex (often) begets sex.
I understand the apprehension because a schedule doesn’t sound like much of a sexy thing, but really it can be. Not only do you both commit to making space for some intimate time for each other, which is sexy in and of itself, but it gives the opportunity for flirting and sexting leading up to the event, the building of anticipation and so on.
I feel like the schedule can remove a lot of the anxiety around sex in an ltr which opens both people up too. No worrying about the next time its gonna happen, or how to initiate, or if your partner is losing desire. Less stress, better sex!
Scrape up some money and go on a cruise or sex retreat. A change of environment can do wonders for your sex life. Just don’t expect to have sex on your vacation, if it happens it happens. You might just need the rest and start going at it like rabbits that got out of prison when you get back.
We are in our forties and schedule to an extent and I have provided this type of comment before to help with dwindling sex lives. We discovered that making time for sex was important and preferred early evening than last thing at night. It started because we were both tired at night but had bags of energy evening times. We don’t schedule a day but a time of day and this can really work. Scheduled time has massively increased our sex life as now we have it early evening and very often again later 😜. There is no pressure or obligation for either of us but it just seems to work for us. Xx
This is what my wife and I are instituting as well to improve our frequency. Hopefully it works out.
Scheduling is what revived our dead bedroom. It kinda felt like we did when we first started dating. It helped with exploring kinks, fetishes, sexuality, etc. It kept a routine and got boring which is what led to our spicing things up.
Don ‘t worry, you are not the only ones. We have busy life with kids and since we plan our sex in the agenda. It works much better 👍😋.
I preferred spontaneous, but now in our 60s, and informally scheduled about once a week. Wish it was twice a week.
Maybe think of it a bit like when you first started dating. You know, that butterfly feeling in the stomach because “we’re probably gonna have sex to night” when you had plans together, instead of seeing it as “this is a chore were doing at this time”.
I think it’s great to try out, if it means your sex life has potential to be more frequent and better.
In our 50s and schedule every Sunday before bed (so go to bed a little early). It’s nice to know and not need to negotiate, through we still check in. Plus, I can take a viagra after dinner and all ready to go when it is time to play.
Reading all the comments has just made me realise how much my current relationship is lacking. So many positive amazing couples that are both willing to put in the work to make it happen and improve the situation 💞💞
I’ve tried to talk about a schedule/ a date night, just some time, once a week or month even dedicated to just us. so many times and I’ve been told I’m an idiot and how dare even mention it. We now haven’t had sex for 6+ months. we do not have kids.
Nothing at all wrong with scheduling sex. I can’t remember where, but I just read some research that people report scheduled sex as being just as satisfying as spontaneous sex. I like both, but there’s something to be said for knowing you wouldn’t be declined if you initiate, and I love the anticipation.
I’m glad your working on the issue that helps you to grow together.
My wife and I have been scheduling sex for years, for exactly the same reason you are now. It has been great for us, and we sometimes have spontaneous sex if the mood and timing happen to work out.
You can flirt via text or share links to porn you like between the times you are meeting, while keeps the fire burning low. Just because it is scheduled doesn’t mean the sex has to be bland or unfulfilling.
Good luck
Once per two weeks?
I’d take that. Lol
Really I’d like twice a week which would be nice but that’s a big leap when it seems once a month at best. I do try my best at orally pleasuring her as much as possible but usually it’s more than a two-thirds chance I’ll get rejected. Maybe twice a month I give her oral.
You will have something to look forward to!
I’m 35 partner is 59 and unfortunately has ED (erection) problems so if we’re going to have full on penetrative sex then yes planning is needed. But ill say I haven’t found it to make it any less good. Its nice to have something to look forward to. Dress up a bit as well as that always takes some planning doesn’t it. Wear something you feel sexy in. Trust me planned sex doesn’t need to be boring in any way shape or form. Lots of foreplay can still be included and then the main event and maybe even some dessert (more foreplay) after lol. Good luck.
My ex husband refused to have scheduled sex. We ended up in a dead bedroom as a result.
His loss.
Its better imo. But not to strict. You can better plan on what you want. We do all sort of things together scheduled. Why not sex?
How often do you spontaneously go to a water park or even a bar without planning it at least a few hours ahead, when you’re not yet in your bathing suit or cocktail outfit?
I work with couples that have some sexual issues, for example not enough of it. Scheduling sex is a tool sex positive counsellors use a lot and it is very often the catalyst for changing sex life for the better. It can get very exciting if you for example start teasing each other throughout the day, like a little bit of sexting.
Have fun, and don’t let a little bit of awkwardness at the start put you off, it’s going to get better and better.
My husband and I are in our late 50’s. We have sexy time on Sunday nights. We take showers, watch tv, smoke some weed and then off to bed for sexy time. We look forward to it, we don’t have to worry about who is going to initiate, etc. it’s our time and it works for us.
Schedule is awesome but flex schedule is helpful to not feel spontaneous action is dead. My husband is a low initiator and he’s been working on increasing his initiation. So he will ask when I have a large span of time on my calendar. Or I’ll text him if a big call got rescheduled. It’s doesn’t always mean we will, but it opens some possibilities!
You don’t mention kids, just forties, but if you also have kids at home the glory days ahead of empty nest bring an AWESOME gift of abundant sex if you both want that!
Whoop! Scheduled sex is a good thing! With some parents with demanding jobs and their own extracurricular it’s going to be the only way you reasonably maintain sex with some frequency. The schedule will help with building anticipation.
But if I can offer a couple pieces of advice on how to approach it:
Don’t just schedule the sex. For a couple of minutes throughout the days before, schedule some time to send dirty or romantic texts to each other. To do some basic couples things, or a coffee date. Or have some time set aside to talk about sex from an academic perspective, or explore y’alls sexual boundaries. Good foreplay generally starts the minute the last sexual act ends. This is important for building and reinforcing the intimacy, arousal and sexual communication, and will help keep the sex from feeling robotic or like a chore.
Two: schedule that y’all are going to have sex, but _what_ you do in the bedroom is still more up in the air. Is it going to be a sensual massage followed by an HJ? Maybe some mutual masturbation, you humping his thigh while he jacks off, or you two playing with each other and yourselves putting on a show for each other. Maybe you are going to wear some lingerie and keep it on and he’s going to dry hump you grinding against your clit and vulva until you finish and you finish him with a BJ/HJ. Maybe it’s going to be some missionary or doggy style, maybe you are going to pick out a random sex position from the internet to try. Maybe there will be a little kink play, or you are going to try some new dirty talk. With commitment to performing sex, but the actual acts still up in the air being figured out while you do them, there is still a degree of spontaneity and exploration. Of course, if trying out something kinky that’s new, do some research before hand and have discussions surrounding it be a part of your flirting/foreplay.
Good luck and have fun!
We’re young (30&32) and decided to schedule bc of mismatched libidos…
That and swinging together (not for everyone) are the 2 best things for our sex life.
We have frequent sex (3-4 times a week) often at lunch. My favorite wife’s saying that is etched in my mind is “I’d rather have sex than lunch”.
If i know it’s a lunch hour date the anticipation is there all morning. I fret over being held up at work and my mind screams with excitement when i get an extra 15 minutes. Often, my wife will wait for me for her morning shower and we’ll start off with a hot shower, head to bed and the fireworks begin. I have a delayed orgasm issue which she always obliges but sometimes over lunch (about an hour) we barely have time to get her off and not me. When that happens I know I’m getting off after work. Heading back to work after sex is the best way to start your afternoon. I live one minute from work and I’m pretty good at gulping down a cheeze or peanut butter sandwich as I rush out the door. On days off we like to hike, eat breakfast, walk the pups and then shower up. Afternoon sex before a big meal is the best. Leisurely is better but some days that lunch hour sex can be heated and intense.
I think scheduling sex is a great idea. The idea of spontaneous sex is so silly.. even when you were dating you were “scheduling sex” by organising dates. Your first weekend away together was scheduling sex.. this is just an extension of that.
I have sex with my husband literally every day (usually twice) but it’s still “scheduled”.. we know that when the baby goes down for a nap we’re going to go get naked. Knowing it’s going to happen doesn’t make it any less sexy or satisfying.
Embrace it!
Did you ever go on a date when you knew you were inevitably going to end up in bed at the end (or middle or beginning)? That’s scheduled sex!
My wife and I always schedule sex. I don’t remember how it came about but it probably started as a consequence of the timing of her son going to visit his father. She feels more comfortable having sex when he’s not here and typically he goes to his fathers Sunday through Tuesday coming back Wednesday mornings so we wound up always having sex Sunday night and Tuesday night. It’s just become a thing now and it’s great. There’s a lot of building up and flirting and we follow a routine. Drinks, baths, then bed. If we go away overnight and stay in a hotel we will usually have sex then too. I know we’re having more sex than many of our friends who are also busy people and apparently rely on spontaneity. I can’t imagine it any other way frankly. It’s super sexy and fun and we build up to it all week. Married for 7 years together for 14.
I think a lot of people overthink this concept.
You are scheduling the days that it happens. You aren’t scheduling how it is initiated. Or how the foreplay goes. Or what positions you’ll do.
The only thing scheduling does is put the thought of sex into both parties head so they can mentally prepare for it.
Instead of trying to finish a certain chore before the night ends…. You know you have sex scheduled. You will have to finish the chore early or plan to finish it the next day. Instead of trying to stay up late to finish a project for work, you know you have sex scheduled. You will be more likely to plan accordingly.
In my opinion, the only thing scheduling sex does is make it a priority. Because it gets so easy to prioritize other things.
You can still flirt throughout the day since you know sex is planned. You can still initiate in a spontaneous way. You can still try a new sex act or position. The schedule does not limit making sex fun. It solely tells you what days that you need to leave time for it.