My girlfriend (27F) and I (28M) have been together a year and a half now. I just recently learned that she has lost sexual attraction for me due to bum-like behavior. We talked about it and agreed we still love each other, and I would work on becoming a better version of myself. However, I am unsure if the spark for desire can ever be recovered once it has been lost.
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it didn’t come back because the person i was with didn’t work on himself… if he did, then i would
It’s not coming back. It may not b impossible but improbible.
You just posted this same basic post less than 24 hours ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/14o7jkb/is_it_possible_to_turn_someone_on_again_after/
If you really deliver on your promise to be more than you are, I think there’s a solid chance it will come back. What is this “bum like behaviour” specifically?
From personal experience, if it’s gone it’s gone. When I was 26 my nearly 40 year old wife stopped being interested in me because of my bum-like behaviour (I obsessively recycle stuff), so now I have to find other women to sleep with while we only live together as roommates.
It won’t. Salvage the friendship, break up, and save yourselves a lot of trouble.
Depends on what “bum like behavior” means. I lost sexual desire towards my partner when he wouldn’t hold up his end of things. I was constantly doing everything around the house, having to ask/remind him to do something for me/our house. When I felt like I was the only one keeping the house going, I felt like I didn’t have an actual partner. I just felt anger/frustration towards him so there was no room for anything else. He’s grown and gotten so much better and our sex life is back to where it was when we first met. We have sex like 4-5 times a week now, sometimes multiple times I day! It def can come back but you need to figure out what she’s missing from you/the relationship and go from there.
For me it has disappeared and come back in a major way. Part of it was behalf of his effort, part of it had been mine, and this has been through the span of many years (we’re both married 16 years now).
When we were young together and things were new, we both had very good appetites for each other. However we got married, and I grew up and we grew a little distant. He used to be not very present, kind of selfish and oblivious but he went on a trip alone to figure himself out (it was for Burning Man and “figuring himself out” wasn’t the original intention, just an effect). While he came back and things got better I still wasn’t at the peak of my interest for awhile after but it helped me to approach him with an open mind. Even though he learned to be more present he would still be kind of selfish when he wanted intimacy and I often I would not be interested. I had a lot of resentment against him across the board in the past for all sorts of things inside and outside of the bedroom (as he did with me probably), but over time he continued to improve and be more open to listening whenever I had issues with things he’d say, his behavior, etc. I really appreciated this effort because I know that change is hard as I am always trying to evolve and improve as a person.
A few years later, I started reading romance novels and my appetite improved by a lot but it wasn’t until I got him to read some books of my choosing that he started to get an idea of woman’s perspective with desire and change his approach to intimacy. He says reading them helped him learn to understand what it’s like being in a woman’s head and now our sex life is way more exciting than I ever thought it would be. It still continues to improve as we explore new things.
There’s hope for you two but you both have to be willing to make changes to your mentality and behaviors but I will say that there was a long period time where I thought my relationship with my husband was dead. Obviously it didn’t end up being that way though I hope you’re able to get out of your rut and make some changes for the better soon.
if shes got the ick its impossible to get rid of
I think it can come back. Start listening to coaches like Corey Wayne. I wasn’t raised to be masculine, kinda had to learn it on my own from others. Typically a feminine woman will feel unattracted if her man isn’t acting masculine. It’s all about polarity. Talk about it, I’ve found myself veering off course due to life struggles and kids or whatever too.
Women change their moods and attraction level daily.
Work on yourself now, dont wait till after the relationship to regain confidence and workout just so you can use a prior relationship as fuel.
Attraction ebbs and flows. It sounds like her attraction has left because of behavior that can be changed. Attraction does come back.m don’t listen to others saying it won’t. Now is not the time to cower down. That is even more unattractive. Let these hard guilty feelings propel you into action.
Now, I don’t mean this in any sexist way. People can be whoever they want and can take on any dynamic they want regardless of gender or pairings. However, based on what your saying it sounds like the dynamic she is looking for in a partner is a more traditional man to handle things in life. In other words, she doesn’t want to be the one that has to take care of you. If you don’t pick up the slack then she has to be the one taking care of herself and you, which means she has to take on more traditionally masculine roles which leaves little room for herself to be feminine. Besides, regardless of how feminine she feels, she may feel that you are acting more feminine by being needy and having to help you out. This can of course kill attraction. Kill attraction because presumable she’s not interested in a submissive man.
I don’t mean this in any negative way, just in a matter of fact way of relationship dynamics and what is the catalyst of attraction. (Again when I say feminine and masculine I don’t mean men and women, I mean the energies that we all have regardless of gender.) Take a step back and look at your self and your relationship. I have been in your shoes before. Especially in deep bouts of depression that I am prone to. And we (meaning manly I) have worked on and fixed it and been better than before. if you both really love each other doesn’t matter. You need to answer the question yourself if you actually want to be that kind of man that supports and provides and is a solid foundation for her. It’s okay if you don’t, then you may not be compatible. But if you do, then you need to rise to the occasion which could take time, and that’s where love and commitment to each other can help you out and give you leeway.
Attraction comes back but you have to be sure of yourself and your place. Work on yourself. Get a job, get a debit card. She wants someone that gives more than they take in this world so think about all your interactions and how your energy affects things (like leaving her car on empty). Have some dignity and accountability for yourself. You can be broke and be attractive as a man but you have to own up to it. (If you can’t fill her car with gas, don’t borrow it, take a bus. or be at least up front about it. Make a spreadsheet with all the money you’ve borrowed and actually pay her back.! Then tell her you want to fill up her car so she has gas to get to work in the morning and you can borrow it and write it down. Idk you have to figure out what’s the best dynamic so she doesn’t feel like you’re scamming her. If she’s aware of your financial situation you need to see how you make things work til they are better. All of these ways you can step up.) you got this. Keep your head down and get to work. It’s okay to share your feelings but don’t complain about your situation if you can do something about it. communicate and do what needs to be done.
Edit: because I was thinking about it I wanted to add something. If you want to actually become the kind of person that aligns with her attractions, don’t just keep it to yourself. Do some deep diving on yourself and have a follow up conversation where you share that with her, this is part of a. “It hadn’t occurred to me the habits I fell into and how unattractive they are. After our conversation it made me realize I had been a bum. I understand how that’s unattractive.” This kind of accountability is important because it gives her space to vent and get her feelings out without expecting them to derail you completely, and it shows you listened.
Last tip, you have to figure out your plan in life. You need to have a goal centered plan to achieve things. It takes discipline and commitment and those things are attractive even before you actually achieve them. Make a GANTT chart for your career goals. Can be long term or short term or both. Print it out tape it to the wall. Show it to her. Anything in your head isn’t real til it’s down on paper. Communicate. If you are a goal-driven person with accountability then any hiccups only make you human and should be no cause for worry. Good luck!
As a dude who has been in a similar position, I would strongly advise you to work on getting your personal affairs together and trying to get better about things for yourself, as well as your current partner. Regardless of if it works out, it will make you feel better and more confident, which will make you a better partner for whomever you have.
Start [therapy](http://psychologytoday.com/). Exercise daily. Change your diet. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Cook dinner for your girlfriend. Register for a class. Plan 2 nights out for next week. If you want to be this person, and that’s the kind of guy she’s attracted to then you’ll be good.
It can come back.
But you really need to not hinge being a better, less bummy person on sex or another persons behavior at all. Do it because you realize it will hold you back in life. Otherwise the change is often not prrmanent and not genuine. And if things don’t work out, you inevitably feel like you did so much for someone and still didnt get what you expected out of it. As if growing as a person is a relational transaction or something
Whatever turns her off about you – do the opposite
Personally once I lose sexual attraction, the romantic relationship is over. I might still like you as a friend. But I will never want to fuck you again. I lost it for a reason. It’s not coming back.
Man, move on, you’re both young, find someone you are attracted to.
Tbvh most women are dumb, show us some positive changes and your willingness? There’s more than 50% we’ll get back to it
First, restructure your life so you are less bum-like and stick to it.
Next, go back to basics and court each other, make time for each other and flirt. Get back into doing all the things you used to do when you were first seeing each other when wooing her was still at the front of your mind. You are never too old or have been together too long to quit being romantic.
Maybe it’ll work, maybe it won’t but it’s worth a shot.
Going forward you need to hold up your end of the relationship. Based on what you’ve said and some of your comments, it sounds like your partner has had to care for you like a parent cares for a child. Once you go there, I’m not sure you can get it back.
Ultimately if you force your partner to parent you, then it destroys the romantic part of the relationship because you have made yourself the child and normal people don’t have sexual feelings for a child.
So that brings us back to going forward you need to hold up your end of the relationship. Please practice adulting!