God, this is going to make me sound like such a bad person, but I (28F) don’t know how to cope with my friend’s (29F) attitude to life? We’ve been friends for a good 5 or so years now. Everything that happens (even when it’s happening to other people) is seen as yet another trauma for her. An example: her neighbour asked her to turn off her dryer at 11pm and she cannot cope with this. She requires at least 30mins on the phone with me initially and has brought it up many times since. This happens with literally any event in her life. She complains about everything, almost constantly, repeatedly, the entire time you talk with her.
She does not listen when I try to talk a bit about my own worries (have some serious health problems, been in hospital pretty much solidly for the past 7 months, only just been discharged back home on Thursday evening. I still need surgery, MRIs, other investigations, might have just developed a new rare illness, wheelchair just broke etc). Instead she sees my health problems as ‘woe is me, my friend is ill, how typical that *my* friend gets ill, my life is terrible etc etc.’ A few months ago, while I was literally on the verge of dying in hospital, she rang me up (I think a nurse answered my phone and put it by my head) and reminded me that it was her birthday so-hint hint- congratulate me.
I admit I’m being quite harsh, I’m just so sick of her attitude. I really don’t want to be *that person who thinks that their problems are so much more valid than anyone else’s. I know she’s struggling and I’m trying to help, I just don’t know how to deal with it. It’s infuriating.
I’m not the only one who has trouble with this. The mental health emergency line in my country have told her, on several occasions to stop calling them because what she is describing does not constitute as any sort of crisis. She then obviously comes to me and complains about being told this! She does not have the capability to reflect and think ‘hold on, maybe this is just a minor inconvenience that doesn’t require a huge meltdown.’
TLDR: my friend can’t cope with any small life event and I’m burnt out. How do I support her?
41 comments
Honestly, I’d not be friends with this person. They are only an energy suck for you and not an energy builder. I’d let it naturally fizzle out.
Your friend sounds extremely self centered and hardcore sympathy seeking. Just drop her, let her have her fit over it. It should have been the end of the friendship when she was calling you in the hospital and making it all about her, that’s an honestly impressive level of selfishness.
EDIT: 100% agree with the others, she’s absolutely a narcissist.
Stop being friends? Tell her flag out to knock it off?
Seems to me she needs some therapy you’re not a therapist.
Part of being an adult is carefully cultivating a “family of friends” and not keeping people around who take more than they give or won’t help themselves.
You don’t. Some friendships are for a lifetime, some are for a season. It’s okay to let this one way “friendship” go.
I used to have a friend like this. She once called me hysterically crying. I thought someone died. Turns out she didn’t like her husband’s new haircut. People like this are just exhausting.
I had a “friend” like this. You can’t change people, ever. You leave and let someone else put up w their shit. My life is MUCH better now. Drop this turd and feel lighter!
Why do you feel like you should support this person who clearly doesn’t care about you or what you have going on? She didn’t care that you were close to dying in the hospital. That’s not a friend.
I had a friend like this (for context I’ve been sober for 5 years) we met in rehab and clicked instantly. We were super close while we navigated sobriety. Eventually she relapsed, but then got sober again. She did that 2-3x and the last time she relapsed she passed out at the wheel and slide against like 4 parked cars. She ended up being court ordered to go out of state to rehab and had to deal with all this legal bs.
She sold her house, moved in with her mom, and quit her job. She basically lives as a hermit, smoking cigs all day long. She calls every once in a while but I usually can’t answer bc I have a full time career at this point in my life and her conversations are long winded 30 min vent sessions where I can’t get a word in edgewise and just have to listen to her how she’s TRYING to work on herself, trying to do better, etc etc.
Anyways, it’s exhausting listening to her month after month after month make no changes to improve her life or take any of the advice I give her. She’s sad. She’s depressed. I suggest quitting cigarettes “nooo I couldn’t. It’s too hard” what about getting a new therapist? “Idk…maybe…” like I can’t with her.
So I sorta just stopped talking to her. She’s an emotional vampire and she’s not the company I want to keep. I wish her well, I do. But idek what she wants anymore?
Also, she claims she’s sober and taking Naltrexone but she always seems loopy when I do talk to her. Who knows. I hope she friends peace and sobriety one day.
homie sounds super manipulative and unhealthy, unable to self sooth. Give yourself some space, your health matters before anyone else’s
You are NOT being harsh. Get that idea out of your mind ASAP.
There is a term for people like her: “**Energy Vampire**” (I’m not even kidding, you can look it up). I’ve had many friends like this myself, so I know exactly what you’re going through. You need to **protect your energy.**
Here are a few ways you can do that (based on my own life experience, corroborated by an article that I’ll link below):
**1. Set Boundaries**
Know what types of activities work well and which ones don’t, and plan accordingly. Maybe going out to lunch or coffee is bearable, but inviting that individual to your house is just too much. Set beginning and end times.
**2. Lower Your Expectations**
If you’re dealing with a narcissist (*which it sounds like you are, OP*), know that these people are not capable of being empathetic toward you. So don’t expect that from them. Avoid bearing your soul to that person to protect yourself from feeling disappointed when they don’t meet you with the understanding you’re looking for.
**3. Be “Too Tired” For Them**
When an energy vampire tries to bend your ear, tell them you feel under the weather or really tired. They will go to another source immediately. They do not want to be around somebody who doesn’t have energy to give back.
**4. (similar to #3) “Grey Rock” Them**
Act like a grey rock around them. Don’t entertain them. Don’t give them energy. Don’t give them the response (whether it be your open ear, your sympathy or your support) that they’re looking for and they’ll lose interest.
If your friend still won’t ease up, or maybe calls you out for being “dismissive” (as Energy Vampires tend to do when they don’t get their way), firmly set a boundary by explaining to her that you simply don’t have energy to give in that moment. Period.
If she can’t accept that and continues to violate your boundaries, she is NOT worth keeping in your life. **A true friend will ALWAYS respect your boundaries.**
Link: [https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/how-spot-deal-energy-vampire-ncna896251](https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/how-spot-deal-energy-vampire-ncna896251)
Sounds like your friendship has run its course. Move on. Block her and peace out
She sounds exhausting. Stop being friends with her. It’s not your job to fix her, it sounds like she brings no joy to your life, so just tell her, “Julie, I need some space. I’m not going to take your calls for a few weeks. You need to find other support people to lean on. Thanks for understanding.” She’s going to freak out. Not your problem. If she can’t respect your boundaries, then just ghost her.
My experience with people like this is that they need therapy and enabling them does absolutely no good. I think it’s out of your hands and I wouldn’t be surprised if your choices are letting it continue or totally breaking it off. You can try to pull back, but she’ll probably just latch on harder.
You’re not friends; you’re her emotional support animal.
Walk away from this relationship.
I had a friend just like this… had being the important word here. I got burnt out because every guy she met she would fall deeply in love with e.g – met a guy on a night out who she would kiss, spent the next 2 weeks sobbing and broken hearted when he didn’t call her and I was the shoulder she cried it all on – it was too much for me, and I had my own stuff going on that never felt like I could bring up because she suffocated the space in the relationship with her own troubles. Letting that friendship go was one of the best things I’ve ever done.
Friends are suppose to compliment your life. Not complicate it.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Good lord she seems exhausting. I would just stop talking to her.
OP I am sorry to hear about your friend’s constant nagging but there might be underlying trauma that’s unresolved causing this and any other meltdowns
She could have bottled up all the real traumatic stuff so much that every little thing just makes her blow her lid off.
It’s not fair on you though but she does need you, she also needs some help elsewhere either an escape from reality via a hobby (meditation, painting, writing poetry/ songs, making music: singing or gardening) alternatively seeking professional help from a therapist could help too.
I wouldn’t recommend you suggest that though as it could harm the friendship.
What you should do is :
Support her
Comfort her to an extent
Tell her you understand and are there for her (be compassionate but don’t seem disinterested)
If you don’t feel like you can deal at that moment be honest tell her you’re busy right bow and can’t talk and will get back to her later but you hope she will feel better soon
How do you support this friend without getting burnt out? You don’t, it’s not possible. To be a friend to her is to NOT be a friend to yourself. Tell her you don’t have the capacity to support her (even if you were in current good health it would be impossible)..no doubt she’ll kick off when you set this normal boundary so you will probably need to block her as I doubt she’ll take no for an answer. You deserve better!
You don’t. She’s an attention seeker. Even if it’s caused by some untreated personality disorder, that ain’t your responsibility.
She acts like this because people aren’t telling her to fuck off. So stop enabling her and say bye
Stop answering the phone.
You’re not a bad friend. I’m dealing with the same kind of person and I share your same feelings.
This is not a friend.
She sounds like an attention seeker and someone who wants to constantly be in the center of drama whether it effects her directly or not. She can’t handle “sharing” the spotlight and wants everything to be about her and wants everyone around her to see “how hard her life is”. That’s not a friend you want or need in your life. Time to evaluate whether or not she’s a friend worth keeping or letting go and finding someone who actually listens and has a conversation rather than present a monologue for a “poor you” reaction
Have you told her that her behaviour is burning you out?
I’d have to laugh at her if she acted like being asked not to use her dryer after 11 pm is traumatic for her. Wait till she experiences actual suffering. I hope your health improves soon. Sending healing hugs xx
Get that woman in weed…. No really that was me…. Weed helped…
This doesn’t sound like you think your problems are bigger so much as you being used as an emotional dumping ground. There are people in this world who are not happy unless they’re unhappy. She sounds like one. You’re either going to have to lay out some ground rules about her behavior or back away entirely just to save your own sanity.
You don’t support her, ffs! You’re not being harsh enough. She’s a terrible friend to you and you’re spending energy and time you don’t have on her that you should be spending on yourself. Block her everywhere and feel the relief!
It doesn’t make you sound like a bad person, wtf? 😭
She’s a mood hoover, a energy vampire.
I can’t stay friends with people who don’t help themselves or at least try to anymore. I used to be the group agony aunt and I burnt out BADLY.
You don’t. Surround yourself with good people. Loose the dramallama ans her toxicity. Once she’s gone, you will feel how much of a burden she was.
the bad seems to really outweigh the good here. move on for your own sanity
You don’t support her. She’s not your friend, you’re her emotional crutch. A friend would not treat you like this.
Well, you could always try opening a comedy club in your living room and invite her to perform her dramatic life events. Laughter is the best medicine, right?
I used to have a friend like this. We are no longer friends.
My mother had a friend like this. She loved her but couldn’t stand her.
She eventually told her basically “it’s not you, it’s me.” She flat out told her she needed space and quiet reflexion in her life for a time. But she’d be happy to check in when she was feeling up to it. So please respect that she needed space for a bit.
My mom called her about every 6 months and they’d go on a very exhausting lunch.
If the mental health line has told her to fuck off then theres a problem.
Truth is you dont support it. You can either tell her she’s being dramatic and inconsiderate, or you can just stop answering. Either way you cant keep carrying this
This person is not your friend. They will drain you mentally and emotionally until they’ve used you up. Then move on to the next person who will listen to them with tales of how they feel betrayed and used by you
Get rid of her. She’s not a friend. She’s using you as a therapist basically.
I had a friend very much like this. It was soul sucking and emotionally draining. I was going thru some really hard times as well and could never even bring them up because it would trigger some made up trauma she concocted. Was some of her issues valid. Absolutely. But most of it was truly attention seeking. I finally lost it when I got tickets to a show and went with a different friend. I didn’t tell her about it, invite her to it or mention it in any way because I just wanted to be able to enjoy the evening. The other friend wound up posting about it on social media and when she found out she blew a gasket. So I said everything I had wanted to say for years. It was brutal. I went no contact for 3 years. She eventually reached out, apologized and seemed to be doing better. But I still keep very low contact with her because I love my mental peace.
You don’t.
I had a friend like this. We don’t talk anymore. I also have health issues and, like her, she would gloss over everything I said and only focus on herself. Eventually it got to be **way too much**.
You have your own problems. **Health** problems.
Eventually you’re going to need to go LC or NC and take care of yourself.