I recently met a guy (32M). We bonded over our passion which is hiking and other outdoor adventures.
He is sweet, we get along well and I enjoy discussing with him and we have a lot of fun togheter, I feel like I am with a member of my family when I am with him and the attraction is over the roof!
The problem is, I feel he is not at all ambitious. I (28F) earn almost three times more. He is a hiking guide and his wage is barely above minimum wage, which is fine but when I ask him what are his life and career aspirations, does he want to have maybe a business of his own in the outdoor industry he is very vague and answers that his ambition is to be happy. At least, he has no debt, but to be honest I don’t even think that being in debt is that bad, it depends what kind of debt.
I can’t help but think that you can be ambitious, succeed in your field AND be happy.
I feel very insecure about his financial status but more so about his lack of desire for more. He even got an offer for a managerial position at his current job with a significant pay increase and he refused because he likes hiking and taking the new job would imply giving up on hiking. I personally don’t get this mentality… I have a professional managerial position and have not given up on hikes.
I adore him, but this is a huge subject of worry for me, I don’t want to stay with someone hoping they will become ambitious and he deserves to be with someone unbothered by his financial status if this is who he is at his core. Should I let him go?
29 comments
He sounds like he is happy with how his career is going. You’ll never be able to change him and make him into a different person. Maybe you’re simply not compatible long term. If it’s frustrating now, it will be unbearable in 5 years.
Wanting someone who is ambitious is a real thing to desire. His desire to just be happy is also valid. You’re gonna have to decide if this is something that is something that would be a deal breaker.
I broke up with a girl before i started dating my wife because of this same reason. We were dating in college and we’re only concerned about partying then we graduated and I decided I wanted to push my self in my career. She wanted to just smoke weed all day and work a retail job. It wasn’t a match and I called it quits and then met my wife who is perfect on all levels and honestly probably more ambitious than me. Just need to figure out what’s most important.
He sounds like he’s happy having a simple life, if you can’t get on board with that, then he’s not the guy for you. He seems sensible, not in any debt and quite happy just doing what is passion is. Fair play to him to be honest. Money isn’t everything.
So he’s fiscally responsible, has no debt, enjoys his job, is happy and yet you think there’s a problem because he doesn’t want a desk job where he’d be miserable and isn’t chasing a paycheck or promotions. Okay.
I’m not going to call you shallow because everyone is allowed their preferences. But I’ll tell you what, I (44F) am a hell a lot happier with my partner who is fiscally responsible, enjoys his job, is generally happy, etc while I make 4 times his salary than I was with my ex husband. My ex made the same amount as me but he couldn’t live within his means, was always miserable at his high pressure job…
I dunno. If you make enough to support yourself, I’m not sure why it matters what he makes or what he’s doing with his chosen career.
Sounds like you two might not be compatible financially. He wants a more simple life while you want a more extravagant lifestyle.
*Am I (28F) too shallow and judgmental towards my (32M) date?*
Yes, you are not compatible.
This is so perplexing to me, I would never look at a woman and be like “I like her, we share the same hobbies but, she doesn’t make as much as me so I’m considering dumping her”. I’m not shaming op or women or anyone, I ALSO (36m) have that anxiety driven “I need to figure out how to make more” mentality the culture put upon us. I’ve even been exploited financially, it’s nuts? I mean to put the bank account status as prerequisites such as “he’s nice to me” makes me feel like it’s not ambition I feel but a perpetual state of I’ll never be good enough because I always have to find a way to get better (my literal motto is, “better. Harder. Faster”. It doesn’t feel like not enough/enough/abundance it feels like I’ll just never be satisfied because of the societal pressures like this.. seriously, no shade at op not saying anything like shallow I’m only commenting on the state of society.
I say if they make you happy & find yourself wanting to spend time with them then thats more than likely as good as life is going to get… isn’t it? Hope whichever decision you make it’s for the best, good luck op.
Despite the fact that you do get along there’s a disparity between you. He seems much more of a “Simple Man” by Lynyrd Skynyrd type whereas you seem more of a “Taking Care of Business” by Bachman Turner Overdrive. My point is is that while these are both good songs, even kind of similar in some respects; they are also drastically different in meaning and potentiate. I would recommend you find someone who’s a little more “Juke Box Hero” by Foreigner for you than they are “It’s a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong.
I wouldn’t call you shallow tbh. Just think you two are incompatible.
Sounds like he has his priorities handled. Sounds like you only see money.
sounds a like a top man living his best life to me
Seems like this guy is content with what he has. Maybe he’s a Buddhist. Who knows?
Ultimately you either like him for who he is or don’t. If you’re interested in a relationship accept that you’ll be the one making more and more responsible financially. Or don’t accept that and let him be happy.
Clearly material possessions matter more to you than to him.
You sound alot like my recent ex. She is very rat racey and wants people to have ambition for ambitions sake. I would call you overly judgemental. It sounds like he is happy, living life on his terms and is fiscally responsible. If you don’t wanna date him don’t date him. But you CANNOT change him.
I think the the big question here is can you financially build the kind of life you want with him. You say you make three times more but if he’s making barely minimum wage and you live in a HCOL area then that’s not a lot to work with. Could you afford a house and kids (if those are your goals) and living the kind of lifestyle you want (travel, neighborhood, etc.) on your combined salary?
This is something I don’t understand. When people are happy with where they are in life and are comfortable, why must someone tell them they should want more? How about you find someone as “ambitious” as you?
Stop trying to change people for a life you’re picturing for **yourself**.
If you don’t agree with his life style, then let him go. He won’t become more ambitious according to your standards because not everybody is the same. You have your standards and he have his, so it’s better to let him go to find somebody who will love as you want and he will do the same.
I honestly wish I was in his shoes. Completely unbothered by finances and your day job is something you enjoy. There is nothing wrong with being content, it means he’s at peace.
Yes he can be more ambitious, but at what cost? Constantly chasing the next promotion, next car, etc.. he’d be chasing new highs and happiness (me currently and I hate my day job)
The world, more specifically the U.S pushes “hustle culture” down our throats not allowing us to be content and always chasing the next high. It’s a shitty way to live the only life we are given. Again, being content like he is
, is what a lot of people wish for.
You are look at him through your lens. You believe that money is what brings happiness, and how much you make is a reflection of who you are as a person. He does not look at life this way.
He sounds free, if all you’re gonna do is try to cage him then just let him fly his own path.
You want what you want – and his career aspirations clearly don’t align with your own. He deserves to find someone whose values align with his, as do you. End things with him now before you start becoming bitter and resentful.
His happiness is not contingent on his bank account. He doesn’t want more, he’s happy with what he has. You can either get on board with that, or leave him alone, but trying to change him would be a mistake for both of you.
Well ambition and ambition for wealth aren’t the same. I’m ambitious, but none of my goals are based around trying to become rich. What you’re talking about sounds like at least a value mix match around money though, so if that’s a deal breaker then fair enough.
I can understand why the answer “to be happy” maybe comes off too general for you. I’d definitely ask follow up questions. I understand being turned off if he can’t articulate any goals, plans, or ideas about what makes him happy beyond hiking.
My brother is in a similar situation atm. His gf makes way more. But he takes care of his responsibilities.
My response to him about his girlfriend is the same. I’ll say to you
“It’s sounds like she doesn’t love you, but loves what you could potentially become.” To mean that’s kinda messed up.
Dunno of it helps, but I hope you both end up happy. Good luck!
Leave that man alone. He’s happy.
this isn’t gonna workout especially if you have kids together
Stay away from this guy. You’re going to resent him for not being who you want him to be
You’re not shallow and the comments here are frightening… You’re just incompatible. Passion and ambition are very attractive qualities and seeing someone have none can be a huge lifestyle difference
Ignore all the downvotes. You’re simply not compatible. You’re not a gold digger. You want financial security and a spouse who can meet your ambition. He’s happy being where he is? Great. But you can’t have a family on minimum wage especially if you live in a high COL area. Even combined with your salary, and if you’re 3x higher than someone making minimum wage it’s not like you’re making 200k a year
I live in LA. Minimum wage here is considerably higher so let’s say your guy makes 32k a year making LA minimum wage. That puts you at almost 100k.
How are you going to get a house, save for retirement, have kids?
Debt free? Great? Is he able to save and think about the future though? What does he want for his life? How can he afford kids on minimum wage? You should have someone who can think about those things. If he doesn’t and he’s satisfied being where he is, awesome. So many people would kill to have a stress free life, but it doesn’t seem like you guys are a good fit and you’re not wrong for wanting what you want.
I don’t think it’s shallow if you are seriously considering this person as the future father of your children. Like not caring to make more money in and of itself is fine- but what underlying values are different from yours and would they still be able to help you pass on your core values about work ethic and meeting challenges? I know several women who have had lucrative careers and happy families because they married a guy who didn’t care to climb the corporate ladder and happily took on the childcare and house maintenance. The key is- will he be willing to give as much as you will in a relationship