Tell me if I’m over reacting.
My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have three kids, the youngest isn’t even a year. We have a decent sex life and she is typically willing. On that end, I know I’m lucky.
However, I am at my wits end. She is always very negative. The most minor inconvenience or thing that doesn’t go as she thinks it should spoils her mood for hours or the whole day. Events that we spend lots of money on or have looked forward to for months are often overshadowed by her negative attitude for minor everyday life issues. It’s really starting to take a toll on me.
I also think she is very selfish. I have spend the last 6 years working 2 jobs, often 70+ hours a week, 6 or 7 days a week, to keep our family afloat while she was in school. Now she has a good paying job working 3 days a week (12+ hour shifts). She can pick up extra shifts and bring home $500 a shift which would help us immensely to get out of debt incurred while in school / after the last baby. But she won’t pick up any extra. I’ve repeatedly asked for just one extra a pay period and she won’t.
Another example is on days she works, I always make sure dinner is cooked and ready when she gets home. But on days she is off and home all day we end up going out or having leftovers or just fending for ourselves. Almost every day.
There is example after example of ways I don’t think she is putting the energy into our relationship that I am. One last example is today we were watching TV together and she just gets up and disappeared for hours. Found out she went for a nap which is fine but I wish she would just say “I’m going to take a nap”. She would get upset if I didn’t tell her and we have had this discussion countless times but she still just doesn’t respect me enough to consider do this.
Some of this stuff is minor but it’s 10 years of it building, countless discussions, but nothing changes. I’m at a breaking point. I love her but can’t handle it anymore.
I don’t want to leave my kids and don’t think I could afford living separate / paying child support. But I can’t take it anymore. Between the negativity and not feeling respected (equal energy into the relationship, my feelings, ect), I don’t know how I can keep going.
I need advice… be talked out of it…. my feelings validated…. something….
Am I out of line for considering divorce based on this? Remember it’s not 1 event but years of this stuff building.
45 comments
It sounds like your wife might need therapy given the negativity and lack of energy for work and for your relationship. Perhaps you can go together and gain a deeper understanding of and appreciation for each other
Try communicating and couples counseling first? If that doesn’t work then yeah that sounds like hell
Have you tried bringing up these issues to her and communicating your frustrations rather than bottling them in and having resentment? If you don’t tell her these things it’s not her fault she doesn’t know it annoys you
Have you considered a marriage counselor? Or that she seeks a psychologist? She might be having hormonal issues. Divorce is the last option if you’ve burned through everything else.
You are not out of line for wanting to change the trajectory of your marriage. It doesn’t sound as though you can change things though without some outside help. Counseling of any sort is expensive, and if you are already in debt, it can seem out of reach. See what your health plan or employer offers and go from there. Look for a counselor who charges on a sliding scale.
You should also consult a lawyer to understand exactly what a divorce would mean for you. I suspect it would not be a pretty picture since she hasn’t worked and you have incurred a lot of marital debt for her schooling. See that you are serious about changing things one way or another may be what she needs to step up, get help for herself and start being a team player.
If you divorce, there’s no reason you can’t get 50% custody. It’s a myth that family courts are prejudiced against dads. Truth is most just don’t fight for shared custody.
Couples therapy 1st.
Youngest isn’t a year yet? My thoughts go right to post-partum depression. Apathy, negativity, lack of motivation–all possible hallmarks of depression.
Explore that, and then couple’s counseling. You’re working yourself to the bone, and she’s… not. That isn’t sustainable in the long run.
It may take a full-on intervention to impress upon her the seriousness of the situation. Have others noticed her recent behavior? Friends? Family? I’m not suggesting that you round up a mob to confront her. More like a few trusted concerned folks with her best interests at heart.
You need marriage counseling together.
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Before you just jump to divorce, go to couples counseling because if she is not aware of your unhappiness she doesn’t have an opportunity to fix anything, which is not fair.
Screen some therapists and find someone you like and then go to therapy together. if you love her and want to try to make it work, lay everything out there and give her an opportunity to fix it. If she does not correct, then the cumulative reasons here/your feelings are valid to want to leave.
Personally, I believe life happens in the small mundane every day moments we don’t really think about— it’s not the big events or vacations. If the everyday mundane is not enjoyable with your partner, then you probably choose wrong unfortunately.
Remember that child support is in proportion to your parenting time. If your parenting time is equal and your incomes are similar, there’s no reason to expect you would really be paying anything. So don’t let that be the reason you stay in a relationship you don’t want to be in.
Apart from that, I don’t know. I can’t imagine a decade together. I’d say it’s probably always worth it to try couples counseling even if you think it’s a lost cause. Part of it, I’ve been told, can be to help you feel more decisive, so you really know that this is the best choice. That way if you split up, you have the peace of knowing you did all you could
So ask her about couples counseling. If she resists all you can do is withdraw from doing things for her until she acknowledges the unfair pattern. Then bring up her negativity and attitude towards your relationship. The. Reassure her you love her and want her to come back to you.
I had something similar in my marriage after my MIL passed away. My wife lost her way. I held down the family with her checked out of about 18 months. I was a single father without help from my wife.
It’s a long story but…..it’s been glorious the last 8 years. The suffering was worth it. I love my wife
Negative people can really take a toll on you after a while. Is she a nurse? I dated one once who always complained about money but would never take extra shifts cus she made it seem like I would never understand how draining it is to work three 12 hour shifts… even though she had 4 days off a week. I’m sure it was tough but sounds like your wife is okay with you sacrificing your time for the family but won’t do it herself.
This seems more of a marriage counseling and therapy thing and not straight to divorce
Your feelings are 100% valid. If I were in your situation, I would explain to her that you are having feelings of resentment and some other negative feelings that you would like to try and resolve with her in therapy. I would honestly try to avoid the conversations outside of therapy because it could get too heated, especially with you sounding like you’re at a breaking point, and things could be said that there isn’t any coming back from.
On the other side, I have been there/am kind of currently there and it sounds like your wife probably has some level of mental health issues that she needs resolved personally as well. I know it’s going to be hard, but I would do your best to try and continue to offer patience and grace until you can get into counseling.
If she refuses counseling….It might be time to let go for the children’s sake.
Have you tried talking to her? People aren’t mind readers so if you never broached any of this before she might not know. But your youngest isn’t even a year old and she works 12 hour shifts. If no one has ever worked in healthcare a 12 hour shift this is like a 24 hour shift anywhere else. You guys have 3 kids and you let this build for 10 years you hold 50% of the blame as well. You guys need to communicate.
Get in to therapy. Also, you might want to have her checked out to see if there might be some physical problems to.
As someone who has major depressive disorder, a lot of what you are mentioning sounds like me before I had treatment. Postpartum can also exacerbate existing depression. It’s kind of troubling to me that you’ve seen your wife struggling and instead of encouraging her to get help you are just nagging her about picking up extra shifts.
I think you need to seek a couples therapist, my immediate reaction to this was “I wonder what the wife’s post would look like” for instance, who is handling the child care and the mental load of managing the house hold? Who makes sure the groceries are stocked and that the laundry is done and there are snacks for kids lunches? Is one of you not able to ever go to the bathroom alone? Does your wife have PPD? Is she burnt out from working 3 12 hour days?
I think we only know your side of this story and you need a neutral 3rd party to help sort everyone’s feelings
Been there. Left that. Life is better.
Leave negativity behind.
She’s depressed. She needs to go to a doctor.
Sounds like your wife is a nurse and is burned out from work. A vacation or spa day might do her some good. She probably hates her job if she’s not willing to pick up an extra shift. The negativity is generating from some frustration she is experiencing. Couples therapy might flesh that out a bit.
Sounds like depression, both with a new baby and being a possible nurse. I used to be the same- easily agitated, negative, one thing would ruin my day. Then I left the the department, saw a doctor and now feel much better! My husband told me about my behavior ( was worse during peak Covid). Lol it was after a patient threw his poop at me during my shift too. I cried all night and called out for two days. Talk to her, it made me seek help.
I think you guys should do couples therapy for a while before divorcing, counseling might really help your relationship. If not for yourselves, do it for your kids, put some effort into saving the relationship before making them children of divorce.
It sounds like it’s been rough, I get it, but it also sounds like part of you still wants to fight for this marriage…I know the youngest is still a baby but if there is any way you could impose on a trusted relative or friend, even for a day or two, so you could get away with your wife….just the two of you, to relax and talk it may work wonders.
I’ve been married for 30 years, we have three kids, my wife went back to school and became a nurse, and there was a time when I was at my wits end and used the big “Divorce” word…
But I calmed down…I realized there are three sides to a triangle….my wife and I viewed our marriage from our own perspectives…but somewhere, out in the universe there was the truth, and it was most likely somewhere between both of our own views of what that truth was.
I would also suggest that discussions don’t start with the past, don’t bring up things, situations or habits you don’t like or that make you angry.
Talk about a future you see, the goal you want for your family and remind her how much you love her and how you want to work with her to create the roadmap to that place, to that future that the whole family will be happier in. Be sure to ask her what YOU can do to help make that future come true.
Help lead her to the realization that there is a better way.
I’m not saying that every marriage is going to end like a fairy tale, but some fairy tales have a second act that seems pretty dark and scary before the third act gives you that “happy ending”. You don’t want to give up just because you’re fighting through that second act and didn’t realize it…you’re happy ending could be just around the corner…
Good luck.
Is this who she was earlier in the relationship? She sounds depressed and/or like she might have something medically/hormonally/psychologically going on.
Don’t start a divorce until you know for sure. She’s in there somewhere.
My guy, you just had your third child WHOS STILL A BABY and wondering why your wife might feel like this, and you want her to pick up extra shifts, when they’re 12 HOURS LONG, no shit she doesn’t. When do fuck do you breath?
You do have 3 small children right? Just because that’s not paid labor it’s still labor. She’s exhausted too. Raising kids is a lot more demanding that a desk job
I like how you don’t mention what kind of job she has. 12 hour jobs that pay really well for 3 days a week tend to be nursing, EMS, law enforcement or similar. AND she’s less than a year post partum? I don’t fucking blame her for not wanting to pick up an extra shift. She’s already having the life sucked out of her, and that would just accelerate it.
She needs therapy, a blood workup and some sleep. STAT. You likely need the sleep too. Not a divorce.
I get you’re frustrated OP, but there’s so much more you guys can do to address this problem than ditching her and running.
Is she a nurse, nurses get tired the on the first day off. which are for rest. My brothers girfriend is one and she works 3 days for 12 hours and the 4th day is for rest.
Three kids, one not even a year, and she works? You cook a few tines a week. What else do you do? Sounds to me like she’s stretched thin and you feel left out. I’m tired for her. Maybe you need to step up your game and pay attention to her in ways where the end game isn’t.sex.
Instead of carping on everything she’s doing wrong (especially compared to how wonderful you apparently are), have you tried ASKING her what you can do to help her with life?
She’s 38 with a baby and 2 older kids. She works part time, but that’s not good enough for you because you work 70 hour weeks… what exactly do you think SHE is doing for those extra 30 hours a week when you have 3 children? Getting a suntan?
She’s LOOKING AFTER THOSE CHILDREN! Which IS work, too (she just doesn’t get paid).
So by whining at her to pick up more shifts, you’re discounting the fact that she has to prioritise the children over working more shifts because you think that because YOU work a paid job 70 hours a week, she’s just lazy compared to you?
So come home on time, participate in care for your children, give her some attention, and stop acting like her exhaustion is just ‘being negative’ and you can just nag her out of it! 🤦♀️
Okay, maybe I am missing the forest for the trees but is nobody else noticing the line “decent sex life and she’s typically willing”? She is drowning in negativity, won’t work an extra 12 hours shift after having a newborn, doesn’t cook on her off days and doesn’t inform him when she goes to the bedroom…but he’s still a okay with having sex.
Couples therapy may help temporarily, venting and all, however the issue described sounds exactly like the hormonal mood swings women deal with. I know it’s hard and don’t take it personal. Don’t take any of it personally. Just love her. Take space when you feel appropriate. Take the space, clear your head, whatever. Don’t ask for her validation. Dig into your own emotional validation. You don’t need her to validate you or prove her love for you. It all comes down to love.
Please try empathy first – try to understand what she is going through, and what is holding her back from bringing her whole self to your marriage, and your home life. I am 37F, and 6 months postpartum after having our first child. Having a child has definitely changed my brain chemistry. Sometimes I find myself making negative comments because I am looking for danger around every corner. My brain is wired to protect my baby, preemptively identifying every possible negative outcome. Mostly I just keep these thoughts to myself because I know they are a bother to others, but then it just becomes my entire internal world. Lead with empathy, seek understanding and try to help her find her happiness and motivation again.
Buddy, it’s notorious that she’s been neglecting the relationship but….
“I spent the last 6 years working 2 jobs”
you’ve been focusing on work for a long time (well, you explained the reasons) but… did you give your wife a little time? did things for the “passion” to survive? things you did before the whole belt of a couple with children.
she clearly needs help, she needs to understand where she’s going wrong, but if you’re not giving the two of YOU a little time, things tend to only get worse.
So who is taking care of the 3 kids? Do you have a nanny? Being a mom to 3 kids and working sounds like a lot already. What’s the child care situation like? Maybe she is burnt out?
I read your post, and I think you need to reflect on all the emotional and physical labor your wife has gone through. 3 children, one less than a year. Went and got an education during that. Now, she works a career that sounds like it’s medical. I work as a nurse. I work 12s. It is definitely not easy. Being a less than a year postpartum, she could easily have nutritional deficiencies that are making her tired and depressed. Pregnancy takes so much from your body, especially after three children.
You want her to work extra, but who is watching the kids? Is housework getting done while she’s picking up shifts? Taking care of the children and home is a ton of work. You’re focused on all that you’re doing, but are you sure she isn’t working just as hard just in different areas of life? She might not being doing physical work, but she could be doing a lot of emotional labor. That is exhausting as well.
It’s also easy to be negative when you’re not feeling heard. When youre tired. When you’re burnt out with your job. When you’re overstimulated and touched out. Does she feel like she’s being appreciated?
Go to marriage counseling. Put your energy into your home, wife, and children. Be patient, compassionate, and empathetic. You’re in a tough season of life, but I wouldn’t throw in the towel just yet.
Therapy first. Then dip if nothing changes. You sound frustrated and therapy provides a medial ground to voice said grievances. And if she refuses. Dip anyway.
Sounds like she may need therapy, medication, or both. I’m no doctor, but I do have bipolar disorder, and her behaviour strikes me as someone who might be on the depressed side. Naps all the time is a very good indicator, as well as her not getting things done on her time off.
12 hour shifts plus commute can be bloody exhausting and they leave very little time for doing other things. I work 12 hr shifts, have an hour commute, about an hour wake up, eat and get ready/make a lunch, come home eat again, relax for an hour, get ready for bed/prep meal for next shift, sleep. That amounts to about 16+ hours prepping for work, working, getting to and from work, food, the odd chore and chilling. I do not have time or energy to fully clean up on shift. I’m only getting 4-6 hours of sleep, maybe 7 if I’m lucky. My days off, I like to relax and just pick at chores.
Your wife is doing a good chunk of this on top of parenting 3 kids, one who is under a year old. One of my Obstetricians told me that being pregnant and having a baby was like being in a head on collision for the damage it does to your insides and that it takes about 2 years to fully recover. She’s older, so the last pregnancy could have taken more of a toll on her.
Not shitting on you as you seem to have worked your ass off as well and seem to be holding your own with the housework. I think you are both not really having deep meaningful communication with each other, probably in a marital rut and just assume the other should instinctively know stuff.
You both might benefit from a few sessions of couples therapy to open that communication and try to get back on track and have a safe space to voice concerns.
Or she found out you comment on naked pictures of ladies on Reddit and realise that if you don’t respect her she won’t respect you.
Guys don’t look at his comment history
Does your wife know about your visits to nsfw profiles dang