My friend has been in a relationship the entire time I’ve known her and we’ve all been cool for a while. I counted her bf as one of my closest friends. He passed away last month .
Since then my gf Is annoyed everytime I mention her. Before all of this I thought they were friends but now it’s like she hates her. I spent the night at my buddies house for a guys only poker night and she came over in the morning after work(works five minutes from my friends house). She brought us breakfast and we’ve smoked weed. Today I mentioned eating breakfast with her to my gf and she flipped out.
She acts like i lied despite the fact I didn’t know she was coming. I’ve tried apologizing but she doesn’t go for it. In her mind I lied about the poker night to hang with my female friend and now there’s nothing I can do to change her mind.
When it comes to matters of the heart I ask my pa and he agrees with her. He says you can’t have female friends and be in a relationship. I feel like thats not true but she asked me to cut my friend off.
36 comments
Ngl im in your gf’s shows rn. Im a an emotional mess because of my bf’s friendship with another girl.
I can tell you she’s going to continue being upset if you hang out with this friend, can you handle that? Would you be willing to distance yourself for your girlfriend?
> you can’t have female friends and be in a relationship.
This is toxic and wrong. You know that.
Dude, your gf is trying to keep you from your dead best friend’s partner when she needs support the most. It is twisted. She’s showing you who she really is – someone who thinks you’re going to cheat on her with a widow, apparently.
I don’t know how long your gf has been dating you, or was pretending to like this person she hates, but this side of her is showing you she’s not a person to keep dating. This is so fucked up.
how old are you guys ? she sounds immature .
Men & women CAN be platonic friends & if you can’t, that’s someone as a person. I would never ask my fiancé to stop hanging out with her friends , they came before i did . She’s never given me a reason not to trust her so why wouldn’t i?
you need to sit down & talk to her because that’s only going to continue .
Your girlfriend is a heartless asshole. That poor woman just lost her boyfriend and this is the way your girlfriend has decided to behave. It’s gross. I can’t even imagine what your friend is going through. For your girlfriend to want you to abandon her now is unforgivable. You absolutely can have female friends. Anyone that says otherwise needs some therapy for their insecurity and jealousy issues. Please take the trash out.
It’s true what your pa says.. no one these days seems to want to believe it though, it puzzles me to no end.
Of course your gf is furious that a boys night out got turned into this girl bringing all the guys breakfast and weed.. What girl wants to hear about her guy enjoying the company of another woman?
Everyone in society needs to get it out of their head that they should prioritize their friends over their intimate relationships.. it’s a** backwards.
This problem pops up as people age and their men begin passing. Suddenly the widow is seen as a single woman and a threat and she loses not only her husband, but many friends, too. I think it’s a side of the girlfriend the OP should really think about. It’s not pretty.
I’d take issue with how she’s acting for sure.
She can’t tell you who you’re friends with.. If she’s insecure that’s her problem? The trust should be there between you guys and you’re aren’t married.. Even if you were.. that shouldn’t fly.
Fuck all man, seriously.. I’d be pissed.
C
Your gf is frankly a hideous person. Not only is the idea that men and women can’t be friends completely stupid but she is grieving too. She needs all the support she can get.
Tbh I don’t know if this is an insecurity thing or age thing. I’ve luckily never been cut off from guy friends whether I was single or taken. Same in reverse. So this never seems to be a thing in my friend group. I’m always baffled by this idea
Logically, what she’s saying is that she thinks you’re going to cheat with your recently-deceased friend’s girlfriend. That’s like nine levels of fucked up.
You can’t have a relationship without trust. She clearly doesn’t trust you, so sayonara. I’m very sorry for your loss.
It’d really sit down with her and talk. I’d understand why she would be mad, you didn’t mention she would come over and you have been talking about the same girl in her eyes she probably thinks you guys are getting close. Involve your other friends (if you haven’t already) when you do hang out with her. I understand your friend needs the support and you can be there for her, but it would be nice with more friends. Your friend is in a vulnerable state right now so your girlfriend may see that as her getting emotionally tied to you.
Let me ask first do you or have you ever had a crush on your female friend?? If the answer is no than Your girl is insecure!!! Let me guess! Your female friend is very attractive?? If the answer is yes than your girl is subconsciously picking up on the fact your have a crush and the fact that your friend is now single only magnifies the problem
I think theres healthy middle ground. You need to have a discussion about what boundaries work for the both of you. Its normal to feel insecure sometimes if your partner is spending time with single women. Even if you were friends before, the circumstances are different now which calls for a boundary discussion that allows your friendship to continue and your girlfriend to feel secure.
With matters like this you just have to respect your significant others feelings. If you truly love your partner and want to be with them for a long long time then you have to make sacrifices for them and vice versa.
I don’t completely agree with the comments below. I understand both sides here. Both of your feelings are valid here. She is right and you are right to some degree, but we cannot solve relationships trying to be right so let me share some perspective.
In a relationship, both people need psychological safety. Safety that you feel respected, trusted, loved, and accepted. You also need psychological safety that your partner is faithful to you.
About the lying, be honest with her and say something like: I wasn’t trying to hide or lie about my friend coming or that I hang out with other friends to see this female friend. You are my girlfriend and I choose to be with you. I also need you to trust me and want you to know that a female friend doesn’t mean she’s more important to me than you are and you are not replaced. (Suggest hanging out together and maybe your girlfriend and this female friends getting to know each other.
YOU: You need to be honest with yourself if you have growing feelings for this female friend because then you really are lying to your girlfriend and that’s not fair. It’s easy to develop feelings for someone you feel companionship with and you spend time with someone a lot, so YOU have to draw boundaries to 1. respect your girlfriend and protect your heart from loving someone else, and 2. to not mislead your female friend as though you have feelings for her.
This female friend’s bf passed away and now she spends so much time with you and frequently wants to see you. It’s very easy for someone to channel all their feelings onto someone and wanting to feel safe and secure with someone and that fact that you both are heterosexual makes this very easy to escalate. Do you even express how you need to be with your girlfriend or think about your girlfriend to go be with her when you frequently hang out with this friend?? Your friend needs time to heal and NOT to become codependent of you when you have a girlfriend. Respect and put your girlfriend FIRST. It sounds like your girlfriend is getting insecure that you are falling for this girl and that she’s not your priority. A big reason partners become jealous and insecure if their partner is hanging out with the opposite gender a lot is because the partner fails to communicate enough and continue to show their partner is the priority and not the friend.
That’s great you very close to your female friend, but unless your girlfriend is also super close to this friend, it’s not respectful of your friend to visit your home unannounced. Your female friend just sees you as a close friend, her constantly wanting to be with you doesn’t show she respects your girlfriend and gives you both your space.
If I were in your shoes I would ALWAYS invite my girlfriend to hang out with my friend of the opposite gender when I’m spending so much time with this said friend.
Your gf needs to get a handle on her insecurities and deal with her own issues rather than expecting you to end a friendship because she is jealous. Why should you abandon your grieving friend and leave her isolated just to make your gf maybe feel better about herself, enjoy she doesn’t do anything about her behaviour.
Your gf is a bad person.
A good person would not want their spouse to cut off their friend that just lost their bf. A good person wont assume that a widow will make you cheat on them.
She is insecure when it comes to her so you need to assure your girlfriend that she is your friend only and she has nothing to worry. Try to include her when you hang with your female friend so she gets good vibes that you would not cheat on her with your friend. Right now she is getting negative vibes for some reasons. If you started spending more time with your friend than you used to then this could be a reason. If possible then stop hanging out with her in person rather see her when you guys are in group to make your girlfriend secure. This could damage your relationship so communicate with your girlfriend to fix this before it gets too late.
Go listen to Steve Harvey 😭 I’m kidding, find a balance and ensure there is a strong foundation of trust regardless of what you decide is best for your relationship.
I can see it from both angles. Since you called it a “guys night” that implies that your girlfriend was not welcome to join you…because it was for the guys! Nothing wrong with that. However it sounds like the presence of the other woman was very welcomed, which I can imagine might make your gf feel not great.
Maybe she’s ok with you having girl friends who are in relationships, but not single girls. And your friend just became a single girl in her eyes. This sounds controlling and super cold to your friend who is grieving
My gf is great friends with my female friends. And I’m friends with her guy friends. Also your gf is trash for acting like that towards someone whose bf just passed away. She sounds like a disgustingly selfish person
It sounds like one of two things. Either your girlfriend has trust and self esteem issues or your friend is boundary stomping and you are blissfully unaware. Either way your relationship with this girl needs to stop if you want a relationship with GF.
OP please clarify if your girlfriend was also close to both your male-friend (who passed away) and his girl-friend who you speak of. I had the impression your girlfriend was not always included in spending time with this female friend of yours. Was your girlfriend so close to this female friend they hung out one on one?
Your male friend was your close friend, but we’re you about equally close to his girlfriend too? Or did you get closer to her after her bf passed away?
How would you feel if the situation was reversed and she was having a girls night but then a male friend turned up.
Does your friend know the boundaries you have regarding your friendship knowing you are in a relationship.
Has the girlfriend been given any reason to worry about you spending time with your friend? Has she been excluded from hanging out when she’s around.
I don’t think she’s right in saying you can’t hang out with her, maybe have a think if there have been any instances that would be a red flag for your girlfriend for you to hang out with the friend if not she’s shown her true colours and maybe it’s time to end the relationship.
It’s not that you can’t have friends of the opposite sex when you’re in a relationship, of course you can. But you have to always prioritize your significant other and their feelings.
My best friend is a girl. I’ve known her for 25 years. I tell her I love her every time we get off the phone. There is zero attraction between. Anyone telling you it’s impossible to have a female friend while in a relationship is delusional. My wife and I have been married 11 years and she’s never had any problem/insecurities about my best friend. I’m sorry bro, but your girlfriend is being irrational. I understand having small worries, but as long as you’ve given her zero reason not to trust you, she shouldn’t be acting the way she is. Talk to her calmly and truthfully. If she can’t get past it, drop her.
Quite frankly you’re both valid for having each feelings. I can see why she accuses you and I can see why you’re like, wtf- what happened, I’m innocent?
Your friend is probably grieving and your gf is scared the other female might fall for you and try to pursue you mistaking not only the Years spent knowing obe another but the emotional support as you having romantic connection to that friend. You should talk to your gr
>Before all of this I thought they were friends but now it’s like she hates her
What’s happened in the month since your friend died? This isn’t just she brought breakfast and flipped out. What has this friend been doing to put your girlfriend in the mind frame that you need to cut her off?
Your pa is probably from a time when there were many more millions of successful marriages in this country (granted, his generation may have started the divorce cycle). You’re from the relationship wild west where people do whatever they feel like with much worse outcomes but like to pretend that they’ve solved everything. But, I wouldn’t cut a single friend out unless you were sure she is worth it and that this will be something long term and serious for the both of you.
You’re not taking ownership of your side.. It sounds like there is a lack of trust at this point so why would it be ok to smoke and have breakfast with her on a “guy’s night” where your actual gf isn’t invited.
How about stop trying to convince her and start trying to rebuild the trust.
Acknowledge the mistake you made in describing a boys night and allowing a woman to intrude. But you should not need to drop this Woman as a friend! It’s absolute nonsense that men and women can’t have plutonic relationships AND she just lost her partner for goodness sake! this friend needs support and instead you’re gonna cut her off because your partner is insecure???? You need to set clearer boundaries with your girlfriend but this is something she needs to get over. It’s controlling and doesn’t bode well for the future if you let her end your friendship with another female.
I am kinda disgusted by this behavior. She has been your friend for a long time. Her long term bf is dead and it’s only been a month. The lack of sympathy here is appalling. I would never be with someone who made problems in our relationship because they were so insecure about this. So literally the only thing that changed was her bf died. It’s not like they broke up and she wants to date you. He died and she is mourning, yet technically available.
Sounds like you need to reinstate some boundaries in your relationship. She can have on opinion on your friends but she can’t choose your friends unless you’re allowed to do the same thing. Friends are friends regardless of gender.
If your friendship circle included your friends bf while he was alive she would find comfort in being around his friends after his passing. The fact she turned up unannounced with food just means she’s still trying her best.
Anyone that says having friends of the opposite sex is wrong, do you believe bisexual or any sexuality finds all people attractive shouldn’t have any friends incase they end up hooking up.
What about gay men and women. Are they not allowed to have friends because gay people might fancy same gender and can’t be friends with opposite gender due to original rule??
Keep the friend, ditch the girlfriend. She doesn’t get to call the shots on Who Your Friends Are.
I went through something similar in high school. My then bf (now fiancé) was feeling insecure about the fact that two of my best friends at the time were guys (A and C). He told me about this and he basically asked if I could stop being friends with A. I told my bf that I only had eyes for him and while A is a cool guy and a bit of a looker, he’s not the type of guy I could see me in a romantic relationship with.
Personally (and I may be criticized for this) I hold the belief that when you’re in a relationship any friends of the opposite sex should be mutual, and any time you see them both partners should be present. I think that men and women can definitely still be friends when one is in a relationship, but getting close with someone else always leaves room to eventually develop romantic feelings. Part of committing to someone is avoiding Situations where you might end up being unfaithful. Even if OP feels purely platonic with his friend right now, there is no telling what may happen in the future. Tragedy can bring people closer together. Them hanging out and emotionally supporting each other leaves lots of room for those feelings to develop, be it one sided or otherwise.