Everything was great until it wasn’t… What happened?

45 comments

1. There are a number of reasons something like this can happen, and probably impossible to know exactly why in this situation. Sounds like a possible avoidant attachment style, but in the end the reason isn’t even that important since the door is closed. I don’t known if it helps, but people who can seem like the perfect partner do not always turn out to be.

   It takes time to move on from something like this, and for the power of those wonderful memories to fade away. I will say that it may not be beneficial for you to continue to interact with her right now. She may just want to be friends, but there can still be an either conscious or unconscious push-pull dynamic. And even if she is firm with her boundaries and respectful of yours, it will probably just be easier for you to stay away, because there will be that part of you always looking for intimacy in a place that there is none to be found.

   Assuming that she has been honest with you, her lack of relationship experience is probably indicative of some emotional dysfunction, which makes perfect sense given what she said about her childhood. There are many wonderful people in the world who simply lack the capacity for a healthy, intimate relationship with a romantic partner because of their childhoods, and getting too close will always hurt. People can be like this and chances are it had nothing to do with you. Best to focus on finding someone who is ready for a healthy relationship.

2. Don’t date someone who isn’t as into you as you are into them. You don’t have time to waste hoping they’ll come around. They never will.

   When someone shows you who they are believe e them and move on.

3. Have you asked her?

4. Honestly you should be asking her not us.

   Just ask to talk about it, say how you feel, ask her what happened

5. You know it’s all guess work. Did you move too slowly? Was she in the right space for a relationship? Etc.

   All I can say is that I once found myself in a very similar situation and I spent the next couple of years being confused. Why would she randomly text me stuff months after she said no to dating, etc. etc.

   You can lay it out like your Dad suggested BUT respect her rejection and don’t start arguing, cause I’m 99.99% sure she’ll say no.

   I think your therapist is right, either she got scared for some reason, or she isn’t into you romantically at this point. But I don’t think it’s your fault. She clearly likes you as a person, but very doubtful you’ll be her person.

   In my experience the only way forward is no contact. It sucks.

6. I’d go with your dad’s advice but only because you need closure not because it’ll change the situation.

   There are tons of other women who won’t struggle with reciprocating your affection. Don’t settle for less – life has a lot of obstacles to offer, this should be a baseline for the “love of your life” because it will get complicated and messy at some point. Not at the start

7. She probably realized you only wanted to remain friends because you were still pining over her. Find someone that wants to be with you, and don’t “detox” with no contact after knowing someone a few months, just cut ties and refund the ticket. Or give it to her sister as a parting gift.

8. she has a lot of personal things to work out with a therapist. realistically, her lack of relationship experience (never been kissed?! at 34???) would have caused a LOT of problems in your relationship. i think you liked the idea of her more than the reality of her because the reality is this – she’s got major issues that aren’t your responsibility to deal with. let it be and move on.

9. The fact that you feel so strongly about this rather than being more able and willing to let her go, is a little concerning on your end.

   It’s okay to feel how you feel, but ask yourself why are you so caught up? What are your fears and your own patterns that you need to look at?

   I’m not saying “she doesnt like you back because there is something wrong with you”. I’m saying: that you feel so strongly that shes the one and are having a difficult time parting amicably as “friends” and not pursuing things further is a red flag on your end. For you.

   Clearly, this woman has been through a lot and is dealing with things in her own ways and either isnt ready or isnt feeling it with you. Both which are totally common, healthy, every day experiences.

   What isnt cool, is dragging things out on either side. Her using you as a safe male presence despite your feelings, and you clinging on to the romantic potential beyond her expressed boundaries.

   Clear communication on both sides is really key here. Which means being honest with yourself and with her, and truly being willing to part with some grace.

10. Changed your perspective.. she could be your perfect partner but to her, she could see something that she doesn’t want to commit. I know you’re hurting, and nothing I can say to make you feel better. But be thankful she didn’t lead you on longer than a month to tell you to be friend. I don’t think it got anything to do with you, because of her background you’d shared- I think she either have avoidant or fearful avoidant attachment. People whose label under those attachment have a hard time committing, and they usually comes across hot and cold. Give both of you guys space and just be friend if you still want her in your life. She need to know what she want or maybe seek therapy

11. 34f never been kissed.

    She was going to reject anyone/everyone no matter how good it went

    Her rejection had nothing to do with you

    You might even be her ideal perfect partner, and she would still reject you. Nothing you can do to change her mind.

    Text her 3 years from now and see if she has worked on her issue

12. I’m going to be direct because I’ve been in a similar situation, but in the other’s shoes.

    She loved your personality but she isn’t attracted to you or isn’t sexually attracted to you, at least for now.

    Of course I could be wrong but this is why I think this. Despite her difficult childhood, she seems stable, honest and respectful, and capable of having a healthy relationship. You had excellent chemistry and long dates, and you both tried to progress things, although the kissing part didn’t come quickly or easily (this could also relate to anxiety, however, and not have anything to do with attraction).

    However, she has told you explicitly that she wants to remain friends and was willing to give you your space. It doesn’t seem like she’s trying to use you or string you along either in order to manipulate you.

    So her asking for your friendship is reasonable, but you don’t have to accept it, and in this situation I think it’s best that you don’t. Not while you still have feelings. If she develops feelings for someone else, you’ll feel awful and want to avoid her anyway. It just won’t end well.

    All that being said, you could pick up a friendship later, or her feelings could change. But it is not guaranteed.

    I just wanted to put that thought out there.

13. I’m not going to reiterate the platitudes of everyone else but there is this fine line between being self actionable as far as inquiring ‘why’ and being creepy/weird/pushy.

    I’m not saying this in that it makes things hurt less but on this side of 30 I would say practice ‘moving on’ and date more. Do the dad move and go full John Cusack, but really don’t because if you are not a teenager you are a maladjusted adult and the cops might be called. In earnest if you really want to say it to her say it but also prepare for rejection. It’s life.

    Also the way you end it about her lack of relationship experience is weird and slimy. Don’t do things like that.

14. The fact that she doesn’t want to be with you means that she’s not the perfect partner for you. Please read that over and over. I’ve had people who were “right person, wrong time” but the “wrong time” part means they’re not the right person. It’s hard to accept, I know, but if they can’t be with you then they are not the right one.

    I agree with your therapist, I’m sure it has nothing to do with you and she would have done similar to anyone in your position. You were slower with her though so perhaps it gave her some hope that she could do it, but eventually she realized she couldn’t.

    The BEST thing you can do for yourself is to cut contact. I know it’s hard but if you’re this upset and you keep seeing her, it’ll just continue to give you “hope” that she’ll come back around. She won’t. I’m sorry.

15. How is she the perfect person for you when she wasn’t ready to embrace you in her life?

    She had an abusive childhood and doesn’t date. She likes you but she’s simply not ready to take things to the next level. It’s probably really hard for her to trust people and she may believe you are “too good” for her.

16. Please give us a follow up after you’ve talked to her. I would really like to know the reason.

17. If she is a beautiful woman and never been kissed or in a relationship by the age 34 – this has nothing to do with you. That is simply not a normal circumstance. She might be asexual, or have some type of issue. Consider her as off the table – she hasn’t dated anyone in her entire life, and if she is “beautiful”, I highly doubt you are the first man to try. Be amazed you got as far as you did and let it go.

18. Short & best solution for you: cut ties and move on
    Why this happened? Prob related to her past abuse. i once dated someone who was similar and i remember one time, she casually told how she likes to put the people around her to see if they really care about her. Maybe this is a test your date made too. but no point putting all your energy when there is a high chance it will sum up to nothing

19. Chiming in from a 34f asexual/aromantic POV. This may have everything to do with the difficulty of trying to form romantic attachments with people when you haven’t done so for a significant portion of your life.

20. It’s weird that she can’t be in a relationship with you and friends at the same time. You just went along with it. Why not fight for a relationship and tell her no. Tell her what you want. Maybe it is her problem. Maybe she does want to take it extra slow. But she could have taken it extra slow in a relationship with you too. Being friends and not in a relationship as well is weird. If she feels like the perfect girl for you then be her friend.

    I guess some women have extra ovaries and can become friends with men. I can’t, it’s a relationship for me only. If he’s a perfect man for me why would I tell him I want him to be friends? I don’t get it really. Your woman is confusing. When I first started dating my bf it was funny when he said he wanted to be friends if nothing comes out of this. I was taken aback because I wanted him more than that. I was kind of insulted. I thought he didn’t like me but he does!

    Maybe your woman also thinks you don’t like her as a girlfriend. Tell her you want her as a girlfriend already!

21. Had something similar happen. Met a woman last year who seemed really great; we connected on many levels. But was really anxious and clearly scarred from experienced in life. We got on for a few weeks and then one day she just changed suddenly without any warning and is distant. I prod and she informs me that she has a lot going on and isn’t in a good place to date. She wants to end things. I took this at face value and left her alone.

    Fast forward some time and I randomly message her to see if she is doing alright and ask if she’s interested in us catching up. She says no and after a back and forth I come to find out that she wasn’t completely honest with me on why she ended things. It was actually due to a couple of things that were complete misunderstandings on her part of things I’d said to her.

    Had she talked to me about these things I could have cleared them up. But she used them as an excuse to sabotage things, I feel. Too much to type here but based on her past, her clear anxiety, and how she was with me, I truly believe that in the end she just couldn’t cope with the way the situation made her feel and as soon as she found something to use as an excuse to end things, she did.

    In your case, this woman has a lot she needs to deal with. And if she hasn’t gone to therapy then I don’t reckon she’s gonna have much luck building a healthy relationship with anyone. Everyone has problems, but some of us have some that – unless dealt with – make it almost impossible to work with in terms of a relationship. This all says more about her then it does about you. And I truly believe that if you or I had continued seeing these women, we’d be spending the foreseeable future walking on egg shells to avoid doing or saying anything that would trigger them and their anxiety. Sorry to say it, but you dodged a bullet, I think.

    Edit: also, I have to disagree with your dad here. This isn’t a movie; after getting dumped, “laying it all out” out doesn’t work. You either come off as desperate, or guilt her into taking you back only to have her resent you eventually for forcing her to come back without it having been her idea. I’m sure there are rare scenarios where someone can be convinced that they made a mistake, but when someone decides to end things with you, trying to convince them to give you another chance isn’t attractive. Plus whatever caused the issue in the first place is still present and you’ll be right back to square one in no time.

22. I’m very sorry you’re hurting. this sucks.
    It happened to me too and I was utterly devastated.

    Your wording is a bit concerning. You painted an idealized picture of her in your head that she was “perfect”. The other side of that coin is that you implicitly think you’re worthless.

    You need to work on your own self-value and beliefs, probably with a help of a therapist. You need to believe that you’re awesome and a catch you deserve a good partner.

    If she led you on and hurt your feelings then she’s not the perfect partner!
    Live your life, be awesome, successful, have fun, and you will attract a partner who deserves you.

    P.S. Your dad’s advice sound logical and is wrong. you need to cut all contact. She was NOT the perfect partner! Don’t pursue anyone who rejects you! it will only further devalue your own self worth.

23. It’s crushing man, I know. Don’t beat yourself up, it seemed very promising, so it’s understandable that you got swept off your feet. But at the end of the day, there’s nothing you could have done. Maybe she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, maybe she’s just not that into you, romantically. Do yourself a favor though, cut off contact and get out of the friend zone, at least until you’re totally and completely over her. You’re only going to make yourself miserable if you stay now.

24. Aside from the standard fare advice I give to guys, which I will list after this.

    You want to be with somebody who is enthusiastic about spending time with you. Which can seem difficult to achieve, but you really want to have your dates as a clone of what you do normally, because there is a danger that you can find somebody who likes the façade, and then that façade drops and you hear that cliché line “He changed”, which yeah… spending your time doing things you think somebody else will like all the time, will burn you out.

    Most importantly: If they aren’t enthused by you, you shouldn’t allow yourself to become enthused by them.

    ——————

    The standard fare advice.

    – Work out.
    – Control your diet
    – Make sure you manage your finances (give yourself an allowance for fun stuff)
    – Keep your schedule flexible, just in case you want to change things up.
    – When you date, just relax and act like you’re meeting with an old friend whom you haven’t seen in a while (catching up).

    —————–

    When it comes to that person, they are sending you signals to take the lead, but you’re not really taking the lead, you’re allowing them to take the control and they don’t know what to do with it, so it is fizzling out, and you’re being left holding your feelings.

25. > Does anyone have any insight into what happened? Why she would just change her mind?

    Eh

    > she admitted she had an abusive childhood and severe anxiety, and has never been in a relationship, or even been kissed

    Did you think she was just waiting for you to come around to fix stuff?

    A lot of people with trauma’s get into relationships anyways and it turns out terrible. She, apparently, has a healthy way to look at her own boundaries and she thinks she can’t do this right now.

    Meaning, if she did do this right now it would be bad for both of you.

    And if she wanted to start easing into relationships, I’m guessing she doesn’t want to do it with someone who thinks they’re the “perfect partner” because holy shit that’s a lot of pressure.

26. I hate to see good men beat themselves up over the whim and fancy of some girl. Sorry this about this man. A lot of women just have personality issues and will be single for a long time, if not forever, because of it – sad really. Which man could possibly know the magic combination of actions to meet her very specific emotional set of needs? Probably no one. Maybe she needs someone half broken like herself to commiserate in misery. But forget that. Think of yourself first. It may have seemed like she was perfect, in the moment, but this proves she was far from it.

27. Sorry you’re hurting, my thoughts are that you should continue to see this person platonically if you’re always having a good time. It may turn into somthing more down the road, or maybe not. It really sounds like it’s her and not you. Will probably take you a bit to get over having pinned your hopes on somthing more. It’s only been a month, play the long game and see. While you do though, don’t deprive yourself of other prospective partners. You sound like a good dude, I’m sure there’s other fish out there for you.

28. It doesn’t matter what happened. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. This has happened to me. I’m sure it’s happened to a lot of people. Someone perfect doesn’t want us back.

    You just have to accept it. If it’s too hard to be friends, then don’t. Don’t be her friend hoping she will change her mind. It’s not fair to either of you.

29. You’re too old for this bullshit stop wasting your time. She’s going to drop you like a sack of potatoes your lil friendship date faux relationship shit is just to her pass the time and you get 0 from it. Rub don’t walk the fuck away from this waste of time. I can assure you – you will not regret it.

30. She just doesn’t seem interested romantically. It happens. I would at least lay it out for her, that way you know for sure and at least you tried.

31. With 99% certainty (with the early childhood trauma involved) I can say it comes down to attachment theory. She’s either ‘anxious-avoidant’ or straight up ‘avoidant.’ This is pretty classic behavior.

    100% cut your losses and walk away.

    Edit: You did nothing wrong, and this was 100% inevitable

32. I dont think you are ever going to bring someone like that around.

    > I lost the perfect partner and it is tearing me up

    She wasnt , You just thought she was.

    > How much do you think her lack of relationship experience plays into this?

    Heavily, Her past seems pretty full on and at that age even with counselling change is slow and hard even if she was willing to go.

    Sometimes just have to chalk it up to a bad situation, Ive had similar experiences before.

33. Her lack of relationship experience at her age is something personal to her. So, yeah you always had a bit of an uphill battle. Don’t dwell on it. I’ve had dates that were amazing fall to nothing and crap ones blossom into full blown relationships. Depends what “fate” has in store. I’m 31 now and panicking, I’ve had many partners. Some stuck some didn’t.

34. Please just let her go. To hold on hoping she’ll change her mind is degrading to you, torturous and a waste of time. Call her. Tell her you have feelings for her, and you cannot handle just being her friend. Be classy, and go NC.

    It will be hard, but you will move on emotionally eventually if you have the discipline to stay NC.

35. Women have infinitely more options than men.

    My brother what happened was – most likely she found someone else. Please get out of the friend-zone and stop seeing her for your own mental sanity.

    The sooner you close this chapter the sooner you can start another one.

36. So I can relate because I have had a similar experience with a person I dated. They too have a lot of trauma (more relationship experience than this woman, but alas). I felt like we had a ton of potential and I fell very hard. He too ended it very suddenly and it was very destabilizing to me. That was three years ago.

    I’m going to tell you this much…it’s very unlikely to change. I am basically friends with my person now, and he has told me many times that the problem is not that he didn’t like me enough. Some people just do NOT have the capacity to be in a romantic relationship with you. Maybe he will eventually (I don’t mean with me, I mean in general), and maybe she will too. But these things run on their own timelines and you hanging around like a lovesick puppy will make everything worse for the both of you. 100% speaking from experience, unfortunately.

    Ask yourself this…if nothing ever changed in regards to her wanting a relationship with you, how would you navigate this? Would you still talk to them? It took a lot of trial and error (talking, not talking, some ill-advised sleepovers, rinse and repeat) for me to realize that 1)things weren’t going to change, it absolutely didn’t matter what I did and 2) kicking him out of my life entirely was worse for me than accepting his limitations and transitioning into a friendship. I no longer hope that anything will change. I make all decisions from that platform. We are both free to move on at this point.

    It seems counterintuitive, but needing someone to change to suit your vision for the two of you is a form of selfishness. It puts pressure on the woman dealing with the trauma. It sets you up for a lot of disappointment. You have to meet people where they are at.

    As for the mechanisms involved, it’s as simple as this. I think people with this kind of trauma can stay afloat with another person for so long. My ex seems to have about a four month tolerance for that kind of vulnerability before he completely breaks down. He can override it for awhile, but without serious work and therapy it is very clearly too overwhelming for him. He feels safer and more in control when he isn’t bound to someone. Having to deal with me and my needs were not something he could carry. And I know…you are thinking “but I didn’t NEED anything! It was all about her!”. Well, that was only true until she broke it off. So it isn’t true at all. Yes, that was hard for me to swallow too.

    Unless you get to exactly that place with her, you are going to make yourself miserable.

37. I am female. I am told I am attractive. I have a low BMI. I have had an hourglass figure since high school. I am of the middle class.

    I went on 3 dates in my 20s. I probably threw up before all 3. Near-paralyzing anxiety.

    I was OK focusing on college and then my career, but I was open to the right person. Well-meaning friends would ask single guys in their circle, “Why don’t you go out with her?” A childhood secret crush of mine was asked. He would, he said, but she’s never been in a relationship and that was not anything he wanted to take on. So you can’t get hired without experience. But you need… Well, you know.

    When I was 24, one guy my roommate knew liked me. He was nice, witty, religious, and cute. I told my roommate she could invite him to a small gathering we were having. He withdrew his interest. I never saw him again. I still don’t know why, but I assume a pun I made offended him. Innuendo. He was proper. I was too sinful. Or maybe another girl landed him.

    I was first kissed at 30 and it spur of the moment. Friend of a friend. We’d both been drinking. We were both miserably unhappy at that period. I’d gladly give him a kidney if he needed one. I’m considering naming him a beneficiary on my life insurance policy. Where would I be if my childhood crush had the last word?

    I lost my virginity at… 31? First relationship at 32. It was not healthy, but I am so glad I was in it.

    Why did my romantic life play out this way?
    1. Avoidant attachment, I guess, due to years of trauma, most of it social and most of it from males my age, but also from a nuclear though imperfect childhood home.
    2. The negative emotions of males was difficult to stomach. Not just the harassment that happened when I was young, but the way everyone but a few girls would enjoy it or ignore it. And how guys acted later as outlined above. Going out didn’t sound like very much fun.

    Talk therapy was never helpful with this stuff. Other people were helpful.

    ——

    So maybe she’s gay. Maybe she is asexual or aromantic or both. Maybe she has religious trauma. Maybe she has sexual or physical trauma. Maybe too many horrible guys told her she was a freak and she didn’t hear otherwise until years later and part of her will always believe she’s not to be liked. Probably not that one. I hope not that one.

    OP, if she got further with you than she has before, she’s one step closer to figuring out whatever she needs to figure out. It was never about you.

38. I’ve had this happen with men I was interested in. And while it does hurt, and I can’t help but feel more insecure about what I have to offer, I know that it has more to do with them than it does me. And then I needed to remove myself from the situation. I could not continue hanging out and being just friends with them. It just hurt too much.

39. She told you up front that she’s 34, never been kissed, has a history of being abused. That doesn’t make her a bad person or anything, but it does make her a terrible match for anyone until she gets her issues sorted. Trying to be the first person to date someone who has gone almost 20 years of being date eligible means that you thought you would be the exception, not the rule. And ultimately, it sounds like you put her on a bit of a pedestal, and she wasn’t doing the things to be put up there, which I think scares people (especially damaged) away. When she has someone looking at her like she’s an angel, and she feels like a demon, she’s gonna try to break things off before you can see how flawed she truly is (at least that’s what her mind is telling her, leave him before he sees how broken I am)

40. It may not be a coincidence that she broke it off right as you felt it was getting serious. You were taking it slow by your standards. Maybe not by hers. Be her friend with no expectations. You’ll either get back on track or build a friendship buipt on trust.

41. It hurts when this happens, but the reason is unimportant and often counter productive to seek.

    Getting lost in theoreticals tends to lead to a “what did I do?” and “What is wrong with me?” situations. It can be any number of things. She might have someone else she wants to date. She might truly have difficulty with commitment. It really doesn’t matter because the end result is you will be very unlikely to get what you need.

    It’s not selfish to recognize you have your own needs You don’t need to be someone’s friend and give them things you only really want to give to a romantic partner. Do not play that game. Move on and find someone else who values your actions and who can give you what you deserve and need. You are seeking a partner.

    You can still be her friend, but it is important to pull back. It is important to define boundaries for your own sake. Do not do this with the idea of winning her back.

    Even in the ‘ideal’ scenario where you get taken back there will be problems. Self doubt will probably come up. If she is having commitment issues then you will struggle with those for a while and it can drain you. You will not be taking care of your needs that way, but will be sacrificing yourself. All with the potential of being dropped and it hurting way worse.

    Everyone is so different that figuring out this puzzle will not help you in the future either. There is no reason at all to dwell on it or assume it is you. The only time you should assume it is you is if the same thing keeps happening with people.

42. People advance together into things until the day one decides it not only doesn’t fit them, but what makes it not fit, is of nature that won’t change.

43. Don’t try to understand it. Her loss. You sound like a great guy and deserve someone who is excited to be with you.

44. Just because you hit it off initially doesn’t mean she will continue to feel the same while you get to know each other. Your interaction creates an energy exchange that keeps changing and evolving, and some of this can be unwanted or unattractive. Perhaps a red flag(s) was raised based on her past experiences and she is not able to share the details with you?? Her emotional and mental makeup cannot be predicted but IT IS what helped her come to the conclusion that she eventually did. You are standing in a place trying to figure out who she is and what made her change her mind when you thought everything seemed to be going great. Maybe because thats all you wanted, you didn’t notice how her feeling were changing over time.

    Unless she tells you, not you, or any one here will be able to tell you. She may not even know herself. Sometimes its just a shift in how she feels for a reason she cannot explain or even admit to herself.

    I’m saying.., respect her decision, stop asking. You don’t *need* to know. Knowing will not change how she feels towards you and will stir up even more questions for you. You will continue to go round in circles not getting anywhere. Shift all that focus over to you. Take the time to learn how to love yourself enough to walk away from a person that clearly doesn’t see your worth.

45. Dude, it’s not a break up because you were never going out.

    She’s a 34 year old woman that said she’d never been kissed (which I seriously doubt) and divulged her childhood abuse to you on the first date. Both of these would have had me mentally calling for the bill. You’ve made the mistake of falling for a woman that is in no position to date anyone. And you haven’t even fallen for her, you’ve fallen for the idea of her that you’ve concocted in your head. It’s only a month in – you don’t really know this woman.

    I’m sorry but you need to cut your losses on this one and try to move on. Whatever about her being ready to date or not, she is just not interested in you now (which could be for any number of reasons that you will never be able to figure out). Continuing to pull on this thread is only going to cause you more anguish.