My wife is constantly making comments about wanting more

37 comments

1. She needs to learn the importance of gratitude. Being grateful for all the little wonderful things we have in life is the way outside of the trap that is always needing more. She has a husband who loves her, a beautiful child, a home… she’s not going to feel great when this time in her life passes and she realizes she wasted time pining for something else.

2. Remind her you’ve given her and your child a safe home with a roof over their heads and to be thankful for what they have.

3. Does she spend a lot of her time on social media? It’s SUPER easy to fall into comparing your real life to someone else’s highlight reel. Comparing your good life to those with grand lives (usually involves $$ from family). There’s beauty in living a simple life.
   I was a lot like your wife and I have had to learn to be very intentional about my thinking. By being aware of my thoughts and making them more of a gratitude/thanks/blessing lens, it has helped a lot. I still have times that I’d love a new car. But mine is paid for, I don’t care if kids spill in it, don’t care where I park, etc. There’s definite pros to driving a vehicle that’s 14 years old.
   Also, as a working mom, this makes me super… angry. The fact that she is able to stay home is so fucking rare. Most families have two working parents. MOST!
   Yeah, she needs to focus on the good and find a way to see her life through a lens of gratitude.

   Last, she can find a “choose your own hours” kind of job to do when you are home. Maybe that would help her see how much work earning money takes.

4. I would do anything to get out of renting and in a house, she has it better than many

5. I married that girl. There is never happy only happy right now. As soon as she gets something she is on to the next.

6. I dislike the comments that suggest because she’s not working that she shouldn’t have an opinion.

   She’s an equal contributor to the home and has equal say.

   Maybe she just wants to be acknowledged instead of brushed off because some people have it worse so she shouldn’t complain.

   Sit down together and work on a 10 year plan. Set goals together so you can see on paper that things will keep getting better.

   It’s hard to be stuck in the cycle of paycheck to paycheck and never moving up but if you see on paper that in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years you’ll be so much more comfortable, it’s easier to get through the tight years.

7. She sounds ungrateful tbh. Hell, I was in a TINY house with 2 young kids well into my 30’s but knew my hubby worked hard every damn day to make sure we weren’t homeless. It was hard, I remember us regularly having to put groccery items back at check out. I don’t think I complained about our lack of money but I do remember us sometimes playing the “what I’d do if I won the lottery” game lol. Things are better now. We’re comfortable but it wasnt until our 40’s that that happened. If she’s a sahm, can she get a work from home/side hustle job?

8. A goal is just a dream with a plan. How involved is she with the budget? Consider scheduling a family budget meeting and discuss short, medium and long term goals. Then get into specifics: which expenses can be cut. How far is she willing to go to save money? Can you have a single car, limit eating out to once a month, or other more extreme measures? Are you planning on more kids? When might she start working? Are there better paying fields you could go into?

   I’m in a similar situation and it’s tough seeing the reality of our society. We have two incomes, work our butts off and still don’t have all the material wants satisfied. A good budget will only take you so far, what’s more important is you share common goals and check each other when pushed too far. Best of luck friend.

9. It’s a major blow to your identity to become a SAHP (this goes for men too). In my experience it can really alter your psychology. It’s a combination of social isolation and the impact of having a general loss of control of new parenthood.

   For some people, they may deal with it by feeling clingy about other things. Like you lost corporate and social power, so maybe you latch on to the idea of getting a bigger house. I know another SAHM like this.

   For me, I didn’t want a bigger house, but I really needed to be in control of my diet and exercise (this is still true but in a more healthy way). When I went back to work, I became a lot more mentally balanced. I got less uptight about my status and my fears about my husband dying or leaving kind of vanished. My husband got better about letting me know how my venting was impacting him and that, plus time, really helped.

   It’s a harder schedule for both parents to work (I.e. you may end up having to pick up more unpaid labor), and I recommended not rushing it. But I think this might be the type of problem that resolves in its own.

   Plus, when she does work and if a house is what motivates her, her new efforts will really put in perspective exactly how much extra time and stress a bigger house is really worth.

10. I am so sorry. I have caught myself saying similar things to my husband and stop myself for these very reasons. Every thing we have is because of how hard he works, and any critisism can be translated as “your best is not good enough”. I have trained myself to keep negative comments to myself and instead let him know how grateful I am for our home and the ability to send our kids to good schools. Once your wife understands that each negative comment is a direct criticism of you and how hard you work she will have second thoughts on voicing them. A third party (counselor) May be able to get this through to her. Firefighting is a very important and admirable job, the fact she gets to stay home and not work is a beautiful gift that you give her. She is very lucky indeed.

11. She needs to get a J.O.B. She wants more, then she gets to work for it.

12. Wow. Lol I’m a SAHM mom to 2 in a two bedroom apartment. My husband brings home our sole income. I make it a point NOT to complain about our living situation because our agreement was I would get to stay home with our kids and he would work. The housing market is TOUGH (we’re in the US) and getting our own place will simply not be possible for us for a very long time if ever. But he does his best and our apartment is safe, clean and new. I always remind him of this when he feels like he is “failing us”. We dream of owning our own place, even if it was small! I’m sorry your wife can’t seem to appreciate what she has and what you do for her. You really should have a serious discussion about how she makes you feel because that’s not okay.

13. You don’t have an earning problem, your wife has a spending problem. My wife and I were fine in a 1200 square foot house. And it wasn’t because we couldn’t afford something bigger. It’s easy for her to put the blame on you for this problem because you’re the provider in your dynamic.

    Some people match their spending to their income. When you read about them they sound so far removed from reality. They might make 250k but they’re living paycheck to paycheck in a status neighborhood, leasing new luxury vehicles and sending three kids to private colleges. Ridiculous.

14. Gotta be careful, my wife said the same thing with our first house. 1100qft which I agree is small but she’s the one that wanted it. Sold after 2 years and bought a 1 year old 2200sqft home. Few years later she wants something else. The homes she has shown me aren’t technically bigger, same bedrooms, very similar sqft but they look fancier. Only issue, they are $300k more than our home and ours is $300k.

    Unfortunately that says a lot about our marriage, I realized awhile back that she will never be happy and nothing will ever be enough including me. She can definitely go get whatever house she wants soon once we divorce but the only issue is she won’t even be able to buy even our current “mediocre” home again.

    Our finances would’ve been better if we just stuck with the first home. Ironically we fight constantly about not having enough money even though she’s the one that constantly needs better and newer.

    No idea OP, it’s a slippery slope when you’re with someone who doesn’t seem happy with anything you give them. I won’t argue your home is small but like you said it’s yours. Ride it out and build the equity and figure out how you both get to a place later to afford a better home.

15. Does your wife get a break from home-making? Does she have hobbies or do any outdoor activities? Maybe she feels smothered or bored or lonely and so she’s criticizing the house because that’s all she sees all the time.

16. How are you failing? You have a roof over your family’s head, and doing what your doing as a husband and father. YOU ARENT FAILING YOUR FAMILY BY A LONG SHOT!!!

    Don’t cave into the pressure coming from your wife. She got what she always wanted. A baby and to be a SAHM.
    What’s the point of trying to keep up with the Joneses? Your wife should be thankful for the stuff your doing and holding everything down the way your supposed to.

    Have that serious conversation with your wife and let her know that you don’t appreciate her behavior towards you and the house issue. Tell her to stop gaslighting you as well. Everyone is out here struggling, trying to make end meat. Especially after COVID. Keep doing you and stay the course.

17. First of all, I would like to say thank you for what you do. Firefighters are heroes in my eyes, Sport stars, singers and actors are ok, but they don’t deserve the respect that you do.

    Second, your wife sounds ungrateful. Tell her that if she thinks she can do better, she should. She is lucky you own a home and that she can afford to stay home. Shut that entitled diva behavior down.

18. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this tough time with your wife and I salute you for providing the best for your family. Based on what you shared she seem apologetic afterward probably because of guilt, but I’m wondering she’s maybe going through some postpartum syndrome? Giving birth really changes so much not only to the physical body but also to the emotional/mental health. You may probably want ask her if she is in any way having some insecurities or fear lately and hear her side there’s probably something triggers to her house being so small vents.

19. Ok. Marriage to me is for the long haul. You both have a solid 50 years.

    Sit down with her and figured out a timeline. Tell her that right now your small house is big enough. If she wants a bigger house than she needs to think about getting back into the work force.

    You have a steady job with benefits. As you age you will move up and get raises.

    As you child/children grown up they will eventually move out and it will be just you two.

    Your life with her is like a book with many chapters. Each chapter leads into another. You have to get her to see that the right here right now allows you to move on to the next chapter.

20. When you become a SAHP your reality shifts down to just your immediate environment which is your home. You start noticing things that you never noticed or cared about before but now they’re in your face all the time. You also can feel suffocated because your life revolves around the walls of your home so if it’s on the smaller side it can feel like a noose around your neck.

    When we sold our home but our new one wasn’t done being built we moved into a 1000sq fr apartment, which was half the size of where we had been. I became incredibly depressed and angry during the months we were there with the kids. I was pregnant too so it was even worse because I was trapped body wise and house wise. Our home finally finished and when we moved it’s like I became myself again even with a clingy 11 month old I feel better in our home because the walls of my cage are now a heck of a lot bigger than they were before.

21. 1200 is not a small house (crying in european). Also, she is free to get a job if she wants more?

22. 1,200 sft isn’t small. My wife and I and a dog lived in 400 quite comfortably. We now live in 600. I don’t know what we would do with more.

23. She’s stuck having nothing but the baby with her all day. I’m a mom of two I get it. Staring at the walls.

    Also- if you have more money new cars yearly is NUTS. Who the hell does that?! My husband and I share one car. We’d like to not work past 55.

    What’s free- give her time away from the baby and time away from the house. She can go for a long walk or you could pack picnics and things and take everyone to the parks near you.

    I used to pack my baby son into the stroller and walk for miles listening to podcasts etc. it really helped me!

    For context it was covid and we lived in a very small town back then. Everywhere was empty

    Everything has a season, especially motherhood. She could go back to work once your child is in preschool.

    My first child is entering preschool this fall! My daughter is almost two. I’m happily going to get into a career of some kind. For me it’s not about earning more to get the ‘extras’ I just want and extra bit of self identity apart from my babies.

24. Did she say these things before the baby arrived? Did she work before the baby arrived? I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of this is coming from the sheer fact that now that house and the things you have, or done have, are her whole world. That’s her office and her home and her jail cell sometimes I’m sure during the day. So I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss her feelings, which may or may not be what she wants, but how she’s feeling overall. Meaning any house may start to feel small if you’re in it all day working as a SAHM. So neither of you should be dismissive, but I would continue to express how it makes you feel and also that this is what you can afford on one salary, because if she really wants a bigger house then it’s in her court to add to the finances, right? Not that her current job isn’t vital, but that’s the trade off and decision she made.

25. Tell her to get off social media. Nothing will ever be good enough when she sees that Husband X just took his wife to Aruba for the weekend and Husband Y gives his wife a rose every morning.

    Comparison is the thief of joy.

26. As other commenters said, it’s important to have a goals, dreams and budgeting conversations with her. You could make it a recurring conversation, say quarterly or twice a year.
    Let her know how her comments are making you feel.

    I am a firefighter’s wife too. Sometimes it’s hard to be alone for 24+ hours at a time with a baby, especially if she doesn’t leave the house or see another adult for your entire shift. She may be alone with her own thoughts too much.

    Suggest to her that she try to get out of the house at least once a day while you’re at work, even if its just a taking the stroller out for a walk. She could make it a routine to go to the park. Or look into a zoo membership. My city has yearly zoo memberships that work out to $10/month. She could pack a lunch to take with them. She and the baby should come visit you occasionally at work too!

    Also, PPD can happen for up to a year after giving birth. Could she be dealing with that? Has she changed since giving birth?

    I am not making excuses for her because the way she’s making you feel matters and needs to change. I just wanted to contribute a perspective and suggestions I had yet seen in these comments.

    Best of luck!

27. As a former SAHM (who decided to run back to work like my house was on fire after a year) let me just say that having no adult contact all day messes with you. You notice and obsess over small things that never bothered you before.

    The SAHM life isn’t for everyone. Is she happy being at home?

28. Hi there. I’m a sahm as well, and believe me when I tell you, that you are not “failing”. You are doing an amazing job. My husband also has a demanding job like yours (he’s an ER nurse) and I’m actually the saver/the one who suggests what to cut out in order to save more. He’s the spender lol but is dedicated to changing his habits. We are already going to downsize from a 2 bedroom 1200 square feet apt to a 700 square feet a 1 bedroom apt. It’s going to save us $600/month and that is going to help a lot. This will all be temporary as I am going back to school for a career change, so we will be a dual income household down the road.

    I’m so sorry. She needs to be more encouraging to you and I hope she realizes this soon. I understand, we all have dreams and how sahm life can make you stir crazy (trust me, I know that feeling lol) but she should realize how comments like that over and over again are affecting you. Have you both tried couples counseling?

29. I just came out of a very similar situation but 15 years in the future, my ex very much wanted more but wasn’t feasible with just my income, I did my best, got into a lot of debt and was never enough.

    By the time our 4 kids were of age to all be in school and she could get a job, covid hit and we were all stuck in the same house 24/7 and I guess it just reminded her how little we did, despite having been able to save money and actually buy a house during this time, she still decided she wanted to split.

    In short, she wanted way more and was willing to work for it, but having 4 kids made it difficult to work and pay childcare so it didn’t make sense.

    I’d say take her seriously, find a way for her to work and help contribute to do all the things she wants, even if that means paying for childcare.

    I wish I had done things differently back when I first got those warnings.

30. This is a common phenomenon. I renovated our house myself and tailored it to my wife’s taste. I spent hours making it like a chip and Johanna house. Even still I get the comments how our house isnt nice enough, big enough, the “ugh we have nowhere to put stuff”. She never spent any time or effort to make it a home. Just complaints. It’s entirely killed me as a man and made me have zero desire to find her another house. Our mortgage is cheap, this one is fine.

    I’m convinced social media has convinced wives that to this that the grass is greener. Literally nothing satisfies them. It creates so much stress for us men

31. Tell her to get a job if she wants more & bigger.

32. Your wife needs to learn that keeping up with the Jones’ robs you of your happiness.

    By the way, I own my own IT company I started when I was 23, and when I was your age I had just bought my first house which was 1400 square feet. I was 35 when I purchased my second and current house. My wife works a full time job, so it sounds to me like you are doing great! You are a good provider, and your wife’s expectations are out of line with reality.

33. Tell wife to get a job if she wants more. I hate ungrateful people.

34. She needs to pick her priorities. If SAHM is the priority, she needs to realize that consequences stem from that decision. If she wants to have more income available to her, there are consequences to that trade off.

35. There is nothing worse in life then to be married to an ungrateful wife/husband.

36. This isn’t ok. If she wants more she needs to get a job, not guilt trip you. Imo she is incredibly fortunate to be able to stay home. I wish I could stay home, and I could actually if I wanted too, but I personally won’t put that burden on my fiancée because we do want to maintain a certain standard of living and he works hard enough. You two need to have a serious open discussion and you need to lay down your side.

37. Honestly, I didn’t read all the comments and I’m late to the game here, but I’ve been guilty of making similar comments to my amazing husband. We both work and I love my career in medicine so I can’t speak to being a SAHM yet it has been on the table in the past.

    We have two young kids and I’ve gotten a shorten temper mostly with our second kiddo (we had 2 under 2) but I do believe lack of sleep over long periods of time is super tough and also hormones play a huge role. With the 2nd kiddo my husband told me one day ‘no matter what I do it will never be enough’. Initially that thought made me super angry but he was right. In my instinct I needed more more more but when I stopped to reflect what was really what I want that wasn’t it. I wanted sleep, safety and security. Talk with your wife about what she wants. You are both in a tough spot and it gets better. Do what you can to get more sleep and support. You got this.