I’ve always liked older men, but I used to think it was just a phase, never imagine I’d actually be dating someone older than my parents. I wanted to have a “normal” family. But I realised I just can’t force myself to like someone younger. I have a date scheduled for this week with a very cute man 39 years older than me. I realise nothing will probably come out of it, but I just enjoy talking to him so much. I talked with a few others a little younger and again, it’s just so much better than talking to anyone my age. I have friends my age but we only talk about stupid stuff, memes, games, etc. But I don’t feel any emotional connection. I also talk to a 45-year-old who also seems amazing, the only problem is he has a son from a previous relationship and I really don’t think I could commit to that being 24 myself… I told him I have a scheduled date already just to be fair with everyone, but he is really interested and we really share similar values and the conversations are great… I don’t know what to do, I went to therapy hoping they would help me get attracted to people my age, but it didn’t work at all.
Am I just really naïve thinking that this has any right to work out well? I seriously need some third party to slap me in the face and tell me the truth how things are.
TL;DR! – I (24M) want to date men 20-40 years older than me, but worried I’m being naïve and it will never work. I don’t know what to do.
4 comments
While there is definitely a possibility that this could miraculously work out positively for you, most men who date 20+ years younger than them aren’t so much interested in a partner as they are either a bang maid or just a trophy to show off
A few thoughts,
– You’re still young and under no obligation to be looking for a life-long partner at this stage. At 24 years old you’re perfectly situated for anything from a hookup, a fling, all the way to a super serious relationship.
– Age gaps in relationships mainly produce two types of potential issues, we might call them impediments vs. red flags. Red flags are easy, nobody should be obligated to stay in a relationship where their partner exhibits Red flags. In fact, the best advice usually is to exit a red flag relationship. So what are we talking about?
– Red flags in age gap relationships are things like control and pressure from the older person, who usually has a larger share of the power dynamic. Isolation tactics, verbal/emotional/physical abuse, financial control, etc. Another way to think of red flags are as moral ills. It is wrong to perform red flag behaviour on a partner.
– Impediments are simply age gap issues that can potentially strain or breakdown an otherwise good relationship. A difference in daily priorities when it comes to things like entertainment, leisure, and chores. Differences in political passion. Overall energy level. Life goals. Sleeping habits. Stuff like that.
Here’s the thing, there is nothing inherently bad about age gap relationships. Period. Plenty of people have enjoyed wonderful partners who were older than them. Of course, you’ll encounter people who’ve had bad experiences (or heard of them) and therefore write off the whole idea. They’re biased. They’ll judge you, unfortunately.
A factor in ALL relationships is that they sometimes encounter impediments. People break up all the time. If we want to say an age gap increases the likelihood of impediments l, fair enough. So do cross cultural/religious/ethnicity relationships. So do long distance relationships. So do financial gaps, security gaps, or any other disparity between two people.
Be mindful of your own wellbeing and what is right for you. Be happy. From a philosophical standpoint, I think there are few things more aspirational than finding true holistic happiness.
Best of luck!
If this is what you like then go for it. There is nothing wrong with your preference for older men. As with any new relationship make sure you don’t rush things and really get to know the person before going all in on a relationship.
You’re asking a bunch of internet strangers this because you already know the answer: it’s a really, really bad fucking idea.
Why do you need to choose between dating some old guy who can’t attract anyone his own age and dating someone your age you’re not interested in? There’s a third option my dude: be single and live your life.