My marriage is killing me and I don’t know what to do

49 comments

1. At this point you have done everything you can. You can’t get stuck in the sunk cost fallacy and worry about what you’ve already put into this. Your husband is only a drain on your life and after everything you’ve tried, you’ve given up enough.

2. Can I ask why you decided to have a child with this man when he had no job and no prospects?

   I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it wouldn’t work for me. I too have worked since I was a teen to get to where I am today, I am very career oriented with focused financial goals. It was very important to me to be with someone who matched that drive and wanted to build a sound financial future with me.

   How many more years are you willing to forgo your own happiness to take care of this person?

3. At some point you have to take care of you and your child. They say don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm and it appears that’s just what you’re doing. Ending a relationship sucks and ending a marriage really sucks. Best of Luck.

4. He probably depressed

5. Hey there, OP. I feel for you and your situation. It sounds like you’ve been the backbone of your family for a while now. One thing you might want to consider, though, if you’re thinking about divorce, is the potential financial fallout. Given your husband’s current unemployed status, you might end up paying a good amount in alimony and possibly child support, especially if he seeks and gets awarded 50% custody, which is becoming more common these days. Family courts have been shifting more toward equal parenting rights. Of course, the priority here is your well-being and your child’s, but it’s important to fully consider all implications before making a move. Maybe try and consult with a good family law attorney to get a clear picture. Keep your chin up, it’s tough, but you’ve got this.

6. So sorry you are dealing with this. If he’s not willing to get a job then maybe it’s time to let him go.

7. OP is he still in therapy and trying different medications? Has he made any kind of progress on his mental health in the last three years, and do you see a persistent desire from him to try? Mental health is a tricky beast and it’s not necessarily something he can fix in a defined timeframe, but it’s okay to assess his efforts and take them into account. Is changing this a priority for *him*? Do you see that reflected in his day-to-day life?

8. You have to put your own oxygen mask on first. He is taking all your oxygen. This is an awful situation but you are breaking yourself trying to do everything and he isn’t helping.

9. Essentially your doing everything on your own now, your life might become more manageable as a single parent

10. Shit he lost the ability to care…No doordash, no gig work. He doesn’t try to to fail. He is just in his cave. Lowest point of human being is when you stop trying. And give up before you take chances. You can learn by failures but you don’t learn much by not trying.

11. We didn’t have a child but my stbx husband’s mental health crumbled and it wore me out like no other. I also tried everything there was but he barely put any effort in to make changes for the better. I didn’t recognize myself for a long while and finally filed for divorce not too long ago. It didn’t come easy but I’m glad now really.

12. Will things actually be easier on your own? If he had some sort of severe illness or injury preventing him from helping more would you divorce him then? Something definitely needs to change—I’m not positive it’s divorce. I’m not sure what that would accomplish other than to free you up to find a partner to support you, but I’m not positive it’s healthy to date someone when money and contribution expectations are already high no matter what they do.

    What I heard you say he doesn’t do are outside the home work (as I stay at home Mom neither do I) and thinking about finances (not sure what that means. He doesn’t do the shopping?) or organizing (I don’t organize either. I have ADHD. We do plenty but we fly by the seat of our pants). I guess I’m asking if he literally does NOTHING since you said he’s a good dad and does basic care, or if he’s not being a properly organized and responsible adult because honestly because of my own issues I’m highly sensitive to the devastating and somewhat unfair way type A people can sometimes describe people like me. I work my ass off but I have been told I do nothing before because I’m terrible at cleaning, I don’t have a traditional job, and nothing is getting put on the calendar.

    Anxiety over work is also a pretty common ADHD thing that can completely shut a person down and someone with high functioning ADHD who got good grades might get completely missed.

13. Im so sorry. Mental health issues are difficult and tricky to deal with. You have tried. It’s been 3 years. I think its time for dovorce.

14. You can not show some one the light by joining them in their darkness.

15. Divorce is your safest option. The longer you stay married and he stays unemployed, the more you’ll have to fork over in a divorce settlement. At least file so he can see that you’re serious. And don’t even consider stopping the process until he is gainfully employed. Think of you first! He obviously isn’t.

16. Your husband is abusive.

    It’s the “I’m not going to put in any effort because I don’t want to work hard for someone who doesn’t deserve it, who can take half of everything I worked hard for so easily, etc.”

    Essentially viewing you as an enemy they need to take advantage of, rather than a wife they need to love and provide for.

    With that thought process, they then create a scenario where the female does everything, they do nothing, and worst case they get alimony when the divorce inevitably happens, with everyone siding and supporting them while you look like the “bad” and “crazy” person.

    You need to call him out on it directly.

    Tell him you know he is taking advantage of you. He isn’t treating you like a wife but rather a potential enemy he needs to take advantage of, and that behavior needs to stop. You guys are a team, you shouldn’t be taken advantage of, you won’t take advantage of him either.(maybe he thinks you have in the past?) You have a child you both need to focus on being amazing parents for rather than him devising strategies to do the least amount of effort/work and getting away with it. Do not tolerate it anymore. He needs to land a job or you are peacing out. 3 years is enough of a break.

    Bored people never get better.

17. A therapist told me one time that I could either drown with them, or let go and keep kicking. It’s an awful choice to make when you love someone. But remember, your child is drowning with you too. You have to think about her. This isn’t sustainable.

    And I’m really sorry to say this, but if you let him go, he may start kicking on his own bc he has no choice. You are enabling him to live like this.

18. I knew a woman in a similar situation. She got fed up and told him that he either gets a job or she’s leaving him. He got a job. Have you tried what they call tough love or are you making it easy for him to not contribute? A lot of people struggle with mental health, yet still earn a living.

19. My ex husband didn’t work for a decade outside of helping a friend for two short stints when he was in a bind. During the six months he helped him for cash he never once gave me a cent. He never picked up groceries, paid his child support or offered to take me to lunch. For a decade I bought all the Christmas and birthday gifts for his kids (and him) planned and paid for the vacations, paid his child support (very minimal since he wasn’t working when it was assigned) paid the household bills, personal needs (health, dental, meds, self care products), paid for his smokes and beer, car payment, insurance, cells phones, etc. I worked a full time retail job 50 hrs a week, a part time EA job and started my own business (3 nights a week) in hopes one day I would get a break. While I was finally able to transition just to my own business the stress and resentment didn’t diminish and eventually I told him I wanted a divorce. He didn’t believe me so the next morning i reminded him that I was filing for divorce and he needed to be out by the end of the week.

20. Don’t feel bad. He isn’t making any forward progress in his life, partly because he sees you are willing to support him.

    I would tell him that this is where you are. He is going to have to figure out a way to make money no matter what, either to support his family, or to support himself, because if you are going to do it alone, you might as well have one less person to support.

    As sad as it is, he might be able to push himself a little more if he knows he is going to have get a job no matter what. You may not be able to respect him if it only fear that motivates him though.

21. He sounds like he has clinical depression and needs professional help. Also, it’s known that depression is “contagious” to spouses FYI and it sounds like you also are suffering. Adding all the myriad challenges of a first child to the mix, and that expands those difficulties many fold.

    You guys should absolutely seek therapy with an experienced therapist who you feel good about and confidant and comfortable with. If you can’t do that, there are a lot of great books out there that can help.

    A great book on male depression in particular is “I don’t want to talk about it: overcoming the secret legacy of male depression” by Terrence Real.

    Best of luck and don’t sleep on this. He’s definitely depressed and it sounds like you are, too.

22. The primary question is how much psychiatric therapy is he receiving and what type of medication has been tried to mitigate his anxiety and depression?

    Once you spiral down the anxiety hole it’s virtually impossible to dig yourself out without help. These days the best help is often a psychiatrist. (Not a psychologist, he needs meds along with the talk therapy).

    Another thing that can help is having someone walk him through applying for a low stress job. Perhaps even something part-time, or even unpaid charity or community service, anything to break the anxiety spiral.

    Anxiety, like any mental disorder, like depression, can take down anyone, and when it’s not treated it often just gets worse and worse.

    If it’s not something you want to deal with, that’s valid too, you matter as much as he does, and dealing with someone at their worse is a heavy burden.

    It’s like trying to rescue a drowning man, if you don’t have the right skills to help, he can take you down with him.

23. He’s not struggling. He’s a mooch. he got used to being taken care of. Sit him down and explain your POV. Don’t let him interrupt. If he refuses counciling in any way, file for divorce. You’re already a single, working parent. Why waste your energy anymore?

24. What does your husband want? Is he happy with the way his life is currently? Does he want to restart his career or switch? Go back to school? Start a new business? Does he want to be a full-time stay at home parent and have more children? What does he say about his future, and does he discuss the future at all?

    Also, what is he like on a daily basis with you? Kind and patient or withdrawn and agitated?

    You can certainly support him. But there’s a difference between support and taking advantage of someone. One thing you can do is remind yourself that you can take it one step at a time. You have many valid concerns, but you are getting overwhelmed by feeling like you need to solve them all at once. You really don’t. Get a snack, hug your baby, and drink some ice water. Then shift your focus.

    Take your husband out of the equation and develop a plan for yourself and your baby. Assume that your husband will not give you anymore than he is right now. Think about what you need to be happy. And be realistic. Obviously, you want your husband to take over so you can have a break. But you can’t control when that is going to happen. You shouldn’t remain miserable in the meantime.

    Once you figure out what you can do on your own, execute that plan. Aim to become mentally stable again. You may not want to change your job or physical health, but think about what you can do to improve your mental wellbeing in your current situation. Watching podcasts, journalling, and guided meditation are some things you can do right now to make sense of your thoughts.

    Once you are mentally well, you can consider putting energy into your husband’s treatment/recovery. Just let him coast for now. You can spend some time thinking about what you actually want your life to look like in 10 years. And be realistic and consider that separation may be the best thing for your husband.

    You say there was no indication that your husband was entitled or lazy before you got married. I don’t think he is now. But the fact that he was living such a full life would be an indication to me that any more obligations would send him over the edge. He burnt out and/or became overwhelmed. I suspect that he could no longer cope with identifying and processing his emotions. There was a lot of change in a short amount of time. He seems to have disassociated and still hasn’t managed to process everything he’s experienced.

    Your husband had a lot going on. Then he got married. Then, he took on a tough career. Then he had a baby. He needs time to process all of this, and that is very difficult to do when 1) you don’t realise you have disassociated and 2) you continue to add more changes to your life.

    I think he is stuck. I could be wrong. There’s always the possibility that he is a sociopath who tricked you into funding his early retirement. But if you’ve already rules out that theory, then I think he is just very emotionally exhausted and needs to find a strategy to reboot to his factory settings.

25. > I just don’t know what to do. Or I guess I do know but I just don’t want to

    You said it yourself. You do know. Make your life easier for YOU. Enjoy all your effort and hard work and stop handing it over to be gobbled up by a black hole. You know what you have to do. You can already handle it all yourself, and then some. Drop the “then some” and enjoy your life for the loveofgawd.

26. The best way to help yourself and your husband is to kick him out of the nest. You’d be surprised how much people can accomplish when they’re pressed to it. But you providing financial security for him gives him zero incentive to change.

    There are endless stories of couples who wind up in a rut like this and when they divorce, suddenly each partner is unfettered and free to take care of themselves again. Folks start going to the gym, picking up new hobbies, making friends, finding a new purpose. Think how it would be to take all that energy your husband has been sucking out of you back into yourself and your life. You’re a hard working and accomplished young woman. You have a whole life ahead of you. Go forth fearlessly!

27. Here’s the thing, HIS mental health is HIS responsibility. He ‘has tried’ multiple things – has he really?? Is he depressed, probably, but that doesn’t mean you just get to checkout of life.

    I think at this point you do need to divorce him. He is a dead weight you carry around on your back and it is slowly killing you.

    You and your daughter deserve better. It’s time OP. Kick him out and he will probably just go to his family and sit on their sofa, but at least he is not a drain on you any longer.

    His mental health is not something you can do anything about. You have given him a ton of time and a ton of support and he still does nothing. It’s time to pull the plug on this marriage.

28. Wow you are describing something very similar to what I went through with my husband minus the child. My husband took a couple months off for mental health and turned into several years while I stayed in a high stress management job that was frankly, killing me.

    The worst part about it when a partner ‘caves’ is your best assets, your giving, caring, considerate nature, is the thing that keeps you focused on what they need rather than what you need. I learned after that time that helping someone at your own detriment isn’t helping. The only healthy support is when your own needs can be considered and met also or else, it becomes a very harmful situation, for empathic people in particular.

    If you haven’t already, there is a good chance you are going to start developing some serious health issues if the focus doesn’t shift to what you need soon. The body will always begin to manifest neglected emotional and mental needs.

    The hard thing is you can’t make someone care. And if you have to, why would that feel self sustaining and stable? You sound so kind and lovely and I’m so sorry you are in such distress. When I was going through it, I felt so desperate to talk to someone about it. My husband was also well loved by all. Please dm me if you want to talk. Totally serious. I know taking up for your needs, even if it means losing a relationship, is insanely vulnerable and scary.

29. No relationship is worth figuratively or literally killing yourself over. Your husband has had 3 years to change and has opted not to. You’ve done everything you can. Do what’s best for you and your child. And by child, I mean your toddler, not the one you’re married to. Don’t think about the years you’ve put in because that’ll only make you want to put in more years and the outcome will most likely be the same.

30. Everytime this kind of story gets posted here with the genders reversed all the comments always say that the woman must be depressed, to seek out therapy, support her more etc. But when it’s a man like in this case everybody just shouts divorce, calling him a drain, lazy and even abusive. The double standard is just aweful. OP, your husband sounds depressed, you should seek out therapy.

31. Any man can bring in a paycheck. He is literally not even doing that.

    Is he cleaning the house, doing the laundry, making meals, and entertaining your child?

    As a stay-at-home mom, with three diagnosed mental health issues that are related to anxiety (cptsd, ocd, and, gad) those things are a must. They don’t need to be completed every day, just doing them chores so you don’t have to.

    I am also wondering how many therapists has he seen?
    Sometimes it takes a few before you find one that actually knows what they’re doing. There are bad therapists out there.

    Has he seen a therapist for a neuropsychological evaluation to determine exactly what his diagnosis is? So he can get specialized treatment?
    Even if he did that, it would take time and money for him to recover.

    I have been going to twice a week therapy for 18 months, that’s at least $4,000 just paying the minimum $35 copay. I did not start seeing results or improvements in myself until I had been going 9 months.

    Are you fine with continuing to live like this? Because it’s not out of the realm of possibility that therapy will take years. Personally, I am only 64% recovered. I have at least two more years of therapy, that makes about 5 years of therapy. And I have not been working this entire time, aside from being a stay-at-home mom.

    >After several months of burning the candle at both ends, trying to be a full time mom and full time employee, I’ve just become so exhausted. Exhausted beyond measure.

    That is because you are in your masculine energy, a polarity, doing all of the things, and bringing in the income. And your husband is in his feminine energy, enjoying the fruits of your labor and receiving. That should be flipped, not because of your genders, this is not about gender roles, at all.
    Have you heard of the podcast Being Her by Margarita Nazarenko? She’s very good at explaining this.

    Your life can be however you manifest or put it together. You just have to actually put it together like this. And that requires you getting rid of your useless husband or at least him changing, a complete 180.

    The only difference between your life and what you want, is the kind of man you have. Because like I said, any man can provide a paycheck. Yours isn’t even doing that. You could have a man that is making 3 times what you’re making, you could be a stay-at-home mom, with a housekeeper and laundry service. That stuff is not all that extravagant.

    Source: I did this.

    Edit: (not OP) don’t downvote because you’re jealous. If you don’t know anything about masculine and feminine energy, aside from gender, don’t give your input here either. It’s not about standing in your feminine, and telling him what to do and being demanding. It’s about being in your feminine and getting rid of things that no longer serve you.

32. Really helpful advice I received from my parents is that some people do not want nor feel obligated to work. I’m not talking about people that lose a job or take a period off, but folks that over an extended period of time cannot or will not maintain employment.

    It’s really easy for those of us that do feel obligated to work to get sucked into the excuses and explanations offered by non workers, but we shouldn’t.

    I would not be attracted or married to someone that was comfortable with me breaking my back for the family while not lifting a finger. I would end my marriage over this behavior. Like you, I’d gladly support my spouse for a period while he recovered from terrible job or found something that worked well for him, but you’re well beyond that situation.

    It’s time for you to decide if you’re willing to be married to someone that refuses to work. I make enough to support our household very comfortably and I’d still not accept this.

33. Hey OP. You mentioned in a comment somewhere that your husband takes medication for ADHD as needed. This is a long shot, but I’m just throwing it out here because it’s my story exactly.

    I was prescribed Ritalin about 12 years ago and it vaulted me into drug and alcohol addiction so severe that I’ve now been to rehab five times and was recently hospitalized for an overdose. Ritalin became Adderall which led to cocaine which led to meth which led to painkillers which led to benzos and suddenly I was addicted to all of these things. And I washed it all down with vodka every day.

    My husband didn’t know any of this until I confessed a few years ago. I was able to mask it when he was home in the evenings. I stayed home all day and just did drugs. I’m in a program now and will be making amends to my husband for the rest of my life.

    Is there any chance your husband is using drugs?

34. Has he gone back to the original place of employment where he was thriving and asked for a low level position? He needs something to ease his way back in and boost his confidence. They know him and his story, maybe they’re willing to bet on him again – knowing that he’ll be a good, solid worker bee that doesn’t need to move up to management.

35. Here’s what you do! File for divorce because the two of you are not a perfect match. You were never meant to be. A simple matter of making the wrong choice

36. Kids dont fix depression or make someone “get there shit together” it makes it worse. It seems you have done all you can. Is he on antidepressants. Are you guys seeing a therapist? Im sorry this is happening but honestly at this point it might be less stressful to just have it be you and your daughter. Hes not bringing anything into the relationship and seems to have checked out a long time ago.

37. It sounds like your husband is a mix of depressed and full of anxiety. Have you tried a partial inpatient program? They usually last 2-4 weeks and can be a tremendous help for people dealing with debilitating symptoms like this. They’re usually 8:30-3:00 and he’d come home every night.

    My guess is your husband knows and wants to be healthy, but he can’t overcome it himself. At the core, this is a medical issue. I’m sure he’s well aware he’s letting everyone down. That being said, he has to want to fight back and be willing to get the help he needs.

38. Tell him you need him to be the man he once was, if that doesn’t show effort then send him off find someone you and your kids deserve.

39. Hi OP. I am sorry you are in this situation. Its brutal. There is alot to unpack and redditors have given alot of feedback and resource options.

    Do you know if he has had any trauma in his life? Doesn’t have to be catastrophic. We all have trauma, with different degrees and different ways of processing through it. Or not processing through it.

    I see you on your exhaustion, cries, frustrations and brokenheartedness. And grief.

    Grief of:
    1. Losing your dreams of a marriage and life with him
    2. Losing the connection to your best friend
    3. Losing the life you wanted for your daughter – as a family unit
    4. Losing respect for the person you deeply love
    5. Realizing the weight of carrying your entire family financially, emotionally, financially, relationally and spiritually. SOLO.
    6. Looking at a path with just you and your daughter.
    7. Realizing that all the helping, planning, organizing, pleading, discussions with family members, etc….hasn’t helped or encouraged him like you hoped.

    False hope is horrific. It disguises itself as good but it steals from you. Time, love, dreams, years.

    Regarding your husband:

    It’s like he is out in the ocean, holding a heavy rock, teying to tread water and stay afloat on his own. All those who love him are in lifeboats around him, reaching out their hands for him to take it.

    But he doesn’t.

    Anyone who has jumped in to help him, nearly drown. (As someone commented above)

    Whatever is inside the rock is something he is not willing to let go. I imagine he wants to but like you said, he doesn’t know how.

    He may feel like a failure bcos its been so long. He may hate himself for what he is putting you through.

    The self talk he does is locking him in place. I would bet that if he could “just”…update his resume, look online for mental health resources, engage more, be attentive to you, break out of the toxic cycle he has now created in his mind, he would.

    Has he, or you, looked up ketamine treatments? It’s used (in small doses) for anxiety, trauma, depression.

    Or an intensive weekend? (Men only or marriage)

    You need to decide what your boundaries are for his actions or inactions. That’s very hard.

    I know that when one spouse works harder at the relationship than the other, over time, their hurt, rejection and anger becomes “indifferent”. Don’t care what you do but I’m done.

    I’ve been in the same type of situation where I care about my partner’s wellbeing than he does. I took a break. Said I wasn’t coming back until I felt in my spirit it was time. I came back, said “these are my limits, expectations and desires for our relationship, if you don’t take action to help yourself, the consequence of that is you will not have me in your life.” (I didn’t have kids in this relationship.)

    It was hard but I was ready to leave.

    You weren’t put on this earth to carry his burdens.

    Feel free to DM me if you’d like.

    Please keep us posted. You have a lot of internet strangers cheering for you.

40. Don’t be surprised if he figures out what to say or do when he stops getting a free ride from you. Seems like you’re being used and you’ve been patient enough

41. Does your husband care for your baby while you are working? Does he do anything around the house? Grocery shopping? Cooking? Cleaning? I ask because I (as a SAHM) have also “not brought a single dollar in the door” in several years- but I do a whole lot of other things.

    If him not working was not an arrangement you agreed to, that’s not okay. And there is a lot going on here with his mental health. It sounds like he does need some kind of wake up call. But if he is caring for your child and acting as a stay at home parent, he is actually doing something.

42. Im am so sorry you are going through this. It’s okay to leave. It sounds like you have tried everything. Ball has been in his court for three years. Fuck the ball now. Get out. Go live your life and get yourself back on track. You are not responsible for his inability to cope with adult life. You got this. Do this for yourself.

43. Have you considered asking him to be the house husband? The $$ saved on his taking care of the house and daycare would make up for (in part at least?) a 2nd income. And make sure you both agree on what that means.

    If he doesn’t even want to do that, there may be some depression there. It sometimes presents as laziness which can frustrate a partner. Then it should be agreed that he get the help he needs.

    If these don’t work, it may be time for a sabbatical. My partner and I split for 1.5 years while he worked in himself. He still has some struggles, but we are much better now.

44. Where does the baby go while you’re at work? If you say daycare or any other form of paid care he needs to be gone yesterday

45. Reddit is happy to yell “divorce”.

    Some level of codependency is normal. We all have needs. That does not make one a bad or needy person. That’s also why we have boundaries. It sounds like therapy might save a lot of headache here. Get individual therapy for each of you and couples therapy. Please do not jump a divorce. Happiness is relative and everyone goes through tough times. Mental health issues are real. Don’t take part in stigmatizing them, like society likes to do. True love is also unconditional and selfless. I can’t solve all of your issues, but I do think that you’re being unreasonable.

46. Go.to.marriage.counselling.

47. There are people who literally will do absolutely nothing unless they have a job they absolutely have to go to and are literally being told what to do at that job. Zero ability to self-start. Unfortunately it sounds like your husband is one of those people.

48. Does he currently stay home with your child? You said you feel like a full-time mom. Are you taking care of your child while you’re working?

49. He sounds like the epitome of weaponized incompetence. Take your child and start a new life, you’ll be so much happier alone. Best of luck