He hates it and doesn’t want to do it. Does not want to engage not matter what and no matter what support is offered. He’s grossly defiant, gets verbally violent, runs off, hides under his coat and just will not participate or even try to. He just has no interest at all so doesn’t want to do it.
Yes I bet you’re all thinking ‘then don’t make him do it then’. But will you be thinking the same when I tell you that it’s *school* he does not want to do?
Home school is not an option, I need to work. Moving schools is just moving the problem I feel. He has an EHCP.
16 comments
More info:
• Is on a reduced timetable. 2 full days 3 half. Always gets sent home early because school can’t manage him
•school have applied for a special school (not that there area any places
•at risk of permanent exclusion, has used 44/45 fixed term days this school year
•only has to go to core subjects in school, rest of time works with pastoral team (supposed to)
Have you tried something called “discipline”?
It used to work wonders.
Have you spoken to him about why he’s so against it? What is it that makes him so averse to going? Does he not see the point? Is he being bullied? Is it overwhelming?
He’s 12 and neurodiverse, so it’s going to add difficulties, but he likely knows himself well enough that if you are open to listening to his reasons and talking to him about things – kindly and openly. It may be that there are things that can be done to reduce his anxiety, help him process things better, and make it less of a battle.
You don’t. Stop forcing kids to do things they don’t enjoy.
When I worked in schools one of the things I did was have an honest chat about them about the fact that school isn’t optional. We’d make a list of the things they liked and the things they didn’t… the things they didn’t we brainstormed what was within their power to change it. Things they liked we brainstormed what could be done to give them more of that.
We also would have honest chats about being told what to do and that it is something they will have to deal with at times and there there is healthy space for them to make their own decisions and get what they need out the situation so that they can have a level of freedom to do as they please. All of my kids at least got through their GCSE’s and were able to choose what was next for them.
I’m not a parent so I don’t know what it is to have 24hr responsibility for a child but I was a pastoral care lead for a good chunk of time so hopefully an honest chat with your child and framing things so that they “work for him” will help improve his situation. A new school could help him have a clean slate even if in a mainstream school. Maybe help include him in the process so he feels like he has a choice
You’ve described him as neurodiverse. That’d quite broad, can you give us more info? The answer is very different of it’s ADHD, autism or something else entirely
You shouldn’t have to accept a part-time timetable.
Does he have a LSA? For how many hours? The EHCP needs reviewing at the least.
How does he get on actually at school? Can he tell you what the worst and best bits are?
(My sympathy. Been there in triplicate. Including getting the LA to agree I should not put myself at risk of injury to try to get child to school).
Middle kid is aspiring to stand up comedy, based on his observations of the school.
Let’s turn this question around.
Let’s imagine that I am your carer and in charge of your life.
I ask the question, ‘How do I make this person enjoy something they’re forced to do against their will?’
‘What is it they have to do? Oh, right. So. They have to dress in sackcloth made of cacti spines, listen to death metal at top volume, juggle hot coals at the door, then it’s spider keeping lessons followed by mosh pit activities for people with BO. Lunchtime is *such* a battle. I know that they have to eat in a nightclub with strobe lighting, but everyone else can manage, so why can’t they? And sheep’s eyes and bull testicles are just delicious and so full of protein. Anyway. They’re so ungrateful when they come home too, running off crying. Everyone else *likes* high wire acrobatics lessons and snake charming. He won’t even try charming an adder. Not even when I said how pretty they were.
‘I think it’s just defiance really. Other people say I should just leave them in the snake and spider pen, they’ll soon get over it.’
Some do ‘get over it’. They learn to put up a mask, hide the feelings and go about their lives with a smile on the outside and screaming misery on the inside. It’s not nice.
Some don’t. They cry and scream and fight. They’re ‘problems’.
I’m autistic too. I’m like the person in the first group. You don’t want to be in this group. Believe me.
The first question is this: where do you truly believe the problem lies?
You need to answer it honestly and truthfully to yourself. With it, you need to bear in mind that everyone has value, everyone has worth, and I’ll bet your son has talents and attributes that are worth finding and cultivating.
Look up NeuroWild on Facebook- they make great little comic strips that are really good at explaining things.
Has he been assessed for Oppositional Defiance Disorder? You may be working with more than merely Autism.
Good luck to you, make sure you try to look after yourself too x
Maybe contact the local authority and see if there is a pupil referral unit he could attend instead? Or any other type of alternative provision. You’ll probably be in for a fight but there should hopefully be something else available, even if it’s not in the immediate local area.
Does you kid have a EHCP?
Have you accessed any of the support available from Not Fine in School? They have tons of resources on school refusal.
Realistically he doesn’t have to enjoy it. He just has to understand its not optional. He’s 12, he should be able to understand the concept that there’s things we do in life not because we want to, but because we have to. Explain to him that school is one of those things.
If its an issue with not wanting to be told what to do, then explain that the only way he gets to spend his adult life not being told what to do is to succeed in education. If he fails at school he’ll be very unlikely to get into a job which lets him control his life. Its a choice of a few years of being under other’s control or an entire life of being under other’s control.
Sometimes brutal honesty about potential consequences helps ND folk – talk to him about what his life will be like if he can’t get a good job, what its like to work stacking shop shelves or packing boxes in a warehouse, the problems of existing on minimum wage. If he suggests he’ll rely on you, you need to shut that down because you can’t be there for him forever. He can’t refuse to stand on his own feet because he thinks you’ll always hold him up, that just sets him up for failure when you get old, or if you get sick etc.
He has an EHCP – what sort of provision is outlined and is it being followed? It sounds like there’s a lot of school-based anxiety that isn’t being provided for.
If it’s the school/mainstream, you could name a specialist provision in the annual review. If it’s not yet time, call an emergency annual review.
As someone who went through this, you treat you 12 year old as an adult.
The world won’t stop for them because they don’t want to do something.
You teach them they have to do it, but there’s no shame in struggling with it.
If your child really does not want to go to school, to the point you’re describing, its likely they’re being bullied and possibly can’t understand that’a what’s going on.
Is a special needs school an option? My boy absolutely hated mainstream but has thrived in special since we moved him at the end of year 9.