We are very very recently married, dated for 10 months and lived together for 9. We both want the same things from a relationship/marriage and get along well. Until recently there was very little conflict, but now I am constantly nitpicking and starting arguments.
I think that I’d convinced myself that after marriage things would change and we’d be these two passionate in love people. But we’re not.
My husband is so good to me. Like always is supportive, never talks down to me, takes care of me when I’m sick, is financially supportive, gets along with my family, never raises his voice, does the majority of the cooking and cleaning, goes along with whatever idea I have for the day, he’s everything women dream of. Typing it out I know I’m crazy, because these are reason enough to marry him. Along with his personality and character, both of which are really what I love. Like he is literally the full package. But I also want passion and affection and to really feel like my husband is in love with me.
I don’t doubt that he loves me, but I’m not so sure about being in love. He isn’t very affectionate, doesn’t freely express emotion, tell me he loves me, give compliments, or even have just little touches throughout the day to say like ‘hey I’m here, I love you’. And I understand that passion dies down after time, but it’s just that this was never there. And I know I can’t change him and he surely is in love with me because for gods sake he married me, but I still feel like it’s not what I envisioned. I’m sure it all comes down to being raised differently and showing love in different ways, but don’t people that love each other want to tell them that?
In previous relationships I’d never doubted that my exes were in love with me. There was passion and excitement and sometimes overwhelming amounts of love being give to me. From telling me, to kissing, to gifts, and everything in between. And now I just really feel like I’m not receiving any of that and it really hurts.
I’ve brought this up to my husband and he has said he’ll work on it and for a couple days will give me a kiss or two in the kitchen or tell me he loves me before bed but it all feels performative.
Is it unreasonable to expect affection?
TLDR: I want my husband to show love differently. Is that asking for too much?
3 comments
Love Languages are different for everyone. Do you know what makes him feel loved?
And if you ask for something and he gives it to you, you can’t then call it fake.
Being physically affectionate was not at all a natural thing for me with anyone. I had to learn to reach out to my husband in this way. It takes an actual thought to do it, but this doesn’t mean I’m not sincere in what I’m doing. Actively choosing to do something rather than doing so in an offhanded manner has a lot of intent behind it.
Overall, it depends on if he’s willing to be different for you. It takes a lot of effort and meta thinking. Constantly. It takes time to change, reminders, until repetition becomes habit.
Okay, I really want you to analyze what you’ve written here. He brings home a paycheck? Right. He’s be working anyway without you. He doesn’t talk down to you or raise his voice with you? This isn’t the benchmark of a marriage. That’s basic human decency. Does he do those things with coworkers or random people at the store? No. So how does that make you special or different? You don’t get a gold star simply for not being a jerk. That is the bare minimum of any interaction with any human being. Gets along with your family? Same thing. You’re calling yourself crazy, but I’m telling you that you’re not and the majority of what you listed isn’t “great husband.” It’s bare minimum. A paycheck and not being mean can’t sustain a marriage, as you’re realizing. I’m not sure why you thought marriage would suddenly change who he is, but it’s too late for that now. I’ve been married for 15 years, and saying passion inevitably dies down simply is not true. You have to find a balance. Compromise. It should be an equal mix of you appreciating his ways of showing love and him hearing your needs about what makes you feel loved. And vice versa. I honestly would suggest couples therapy because this is far too early on to be having issues, and the fact that you’re convinced you’re crazy for valid feelings sounds very gaslight-y.
Perhaps you should do the cooking and cleaning so he has time for his real personality to come out since it sounds like he’s just busy