Sorry for the long post, TL;DR at the end.
My husband’s father died at the age of 51 of a heart attack, while my husband and I were still dating. All of his uncles on that side of his family died before the age of 51. His aunts died before the age of 60. No man on that side of his family has lived past the age of 52 in 4 generations, all dying of heart disease at a young age.
When his father died, we were very seriously dating, and we were planning to get engaged soon. But when that happened my husband sat me down and said, “I’m not a good bet. I don’t have the genes to grow old with you.” With tears in my eyes I replied, “Twenty years with you is better than a lifetime with anyone else.” We were engaged within a month and we married a year later.
We have now been married 22 years and we have a 12-year-old daughter. Three years ago my husband went to the Emergency Department (ED) with chest pain, and they ended up putting three stents in his heart. Before they took him back for the procedure I grabbed his hand and looked him in the eyes and said, “I take it back. Twenty years with you isn’t enough. You’re going to fucking live.”
After he got the stents he had a lot of follow-up medical care, at which time it was determined he was a type-2 diabetic, and was placed on medication for that, as well as on statins to try to decrease his cholesterol. Over the course of the next year or so they ended up putting him on insulin injections instead of oral medication to manage his glucose levels. During this time he started watching what he ate, and he dropped 50lbs.
But in addition to his heart problems and his diabetes, my husband really struggles with anxiety. Things like doctor’s appointments are incredibly stressful for him. He hadn’t gone to see the doctor in 10 years when he went to the ED. But he was attending doctor’s appointments so regularly after getting the stents, I thought it was under control.
I noticed a few months ago that his feet were looking terrible. Like he has a bad case of athlete’s foot. He was casual about it and said they had been that way for months but it wasn’t uncomfortable so he wasn’t worried about it. That worried me, because diabetic neuropathy can cause desensitization in the feet, and high blood sugars can cause fungal infections. But I knew he was supposed to be monitoring his blood sugar levels daily with his glucose monitor, whenever he injected his insulin. I asked when was the last time he got his hemoglobin A1C checked and he said it had been “a while,” and he should probably get that done. I asked if he wanted me to make the appointment (because making appointments is stressful for him) and he said no. I dropped it because I didn’t want to nag.
Last week he mentioned that he had been putting lotion on his feet and they looked better, and he showed me. They did look more moisturized but they still looked red and infected. I asked if he had scheduled the A1C yet, and he said “no.” I asked again if I could schedule the appointment and he told me to get off his back, he would do it.
Today I was rummaging through the bathroom drawer and realized there was no container of used needles from his insulin injections. I came out to where he was laying in bed and asked him point-blank, “have you been giving yourself your insulin injections?” His face dropped and he said, “My prescription expired and I haven’t gotten in to see the doctor to have it refilled yet.” I asked, “When did it expire?” There was a long pause, and then he admitted, “About a year ago.” My heart fell to the floor. I asked, “What about your statins?” And he said, “Those expired too.”
I wanted to scream at him, but I knew if I did he would just shut down. I said, “Can I please, please call and make you an appointment?” And he said “I’m going to do it, why don’t you just trust me to do it? I told you I would!” I asked when he would do it and he said “I’ll try to do it sometime within the next week.” I told him, “I need you to prioritize me and our daughter ahead of your own discomfort with going to the doctor. We need you to be healthy.” And then he told me he really didn’t appreciate the guilt trip.
I just don’t know what to do. I can’t force him to go to the doctor and get the meds he needs to save his life. When he has his prescriptions he takes them faithfully. He eats well and otherwise takes care of himself. I am just so terrified he’s going to die within the next 5 years just like his father, and I’m so furious that he’s just given up like this when he could be striving to prevent that outcome. I don’t know what to do.
TL;DR: I just found out my husband has not been taking his insulin or heart disease medications for the last year and he won’t make an appointment to get them refilled or let me make the appointment because of his anxiety over going to the doctor.
6 comments
Hear me out on this one: what would you do if you knew he had a literally incurable disease and five years to live?
And what would you do if he was an addict who wasn’t trying to get clean?
He is of course letting his views about his health and his prognosis become a self fulfilling prophecy. My husband isn’t quite as bad but not dissimilar: all the men in his family die young, and he’s overweight with a bunch of small chronic conditions that make his life harder. So I get it. But also, I think ultimately people do have the right to choose their own health journey, or indeed choose to die if they want.
What you can do is decide if you want to be there for it. That’s why the addict analogy. I don’t think there’s a wrong answer here – I am certainly not trying to tell you to leave him. But al-anon etc talk about how partners enable by trying to manage the illness – they pour out the alcohol or they turn down party invitations or they bargain about eating something to line their stomach…and by doing so, they’re preventing their partner from hitting rock bottom.
By trying to help him from further harm, you are actually taking on the burden of his illness. You’re monitoring his symptoms, bargaining with him, the lot.
So…what if you stopped? Then you have to make decisions about the thing you can control, which is, will you stay and watch what happens next?
Good luck. I really feel for you. This is so complex.
He can get healthy or not, but I wouldn’t be subjecting my kid to watching her father slowly kill himself. He prioritizes his health or I’d be prioritizing my daughters and Is mental, emotional and physical health.
Make sure you have life insurance on him. I know this sounds morbid and it might be expensive because of his pre existing conditions. Might even be a no go, but at least try.
Sounds like he is depressed and has given up.
Up the insurance
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My husbands father died when he was in his early 20s because he wouldn’t be responsible with his diabetes. My MIL had basically been his caretaker for many years until his self-sabotage ruined their relationship and she left. He had been in a wheelchair for years because he let his diabetes destroy his feet and ended up getting amputations.
My husband lost his father way too early and lost out on many things because his father was always having health complications. He had to watch his parents relationship grow contentious and end in divorce because of it. They could have had many years together if he had just tried.
You can’t make someone want to take care of themselves. If you try and take over it sounds like it’ll damage your relationship. Maybe he truly doesn’t want to care for his body, who knows.
Maybe sharing this story and similar stories can help wake him up to reality. Otherwise you have to make a decision and make your peace with it. Can you live with him while watching him slowly kill himself? Can you handle trying to force someone to live?
Maybe he has a choice. He seems to have resigned himself to thinking that he doesn’t.
Maybe he can overcome this and live much longer than his family members. But he has to try.
He needs a heart to heart, a serious and less emotional conversation about him gaining the inspiration and motivation to try.
Maybe there’s something you can do together that takes the pressure and attention off of “him.”
So that he’s not doing this “to live,” he’s doing it to commit to betterment of your relationship together. And, you are too.
Something you can focus on doing together, tracking your progress together, that seemingly indirectly improves his condition.
The extra focus grows the tension and avoidance.
He needs a new approach.