Is “friends first” not a thing anymore?

24 comments

1. i feel like guys have some much competition and vying for girls attention, they want to take her off the market when it comes to dating. noone wants to end up in the friend zone.

2. This is what I (31M) want too. This is what happened with my last relationship, and it ended up being a romance that developed organically and felt very natural. I think this is deff the way forward.

   I think one of the barriers to this is that many people are going out looking for a relationship specifically, so it’s like “okay, we’re attracted to eachother, and we get along well. Why would we make ourselves be friends first if we both want a relationship?”

   Just my two cents. But I’d certainly prefer friendship first, otherwise it feels like you are in a relationship with someone you hardly know.

3. Who needs to be friends when you can skip straight to awkward texts and overthinking everything? 😂 #RelationshipsAreHard

4. If I see someone as potential romantic partner, then that’s what I’m going for. I don’t want to end up friendzoned when someone else comes, makes that clear, and runs off with her. That doesn’t mean we can’t take time, but I’m not going to pretend I want a friend when I want a romantic relationship. That’d be lying to both of us. The goal is to figure out if we’re compatible as a couple. If not, then keep looking for someone who is.

5. It’s not stupid it’s just not the default

6. Many MANY women only consider their friends as friends and not potential romantic partners. Friends first is a horrible strategy for men as it builds emotional connection with often no romantic payoff. I have also heard that women would prefer that their male platonic relationships stayed that way. If those women wanted more, it’s likely they would hint/push for more early and often.

7. Well it might be a thing when you meet someone organically, in real life, like at school.

   It’s not a thing and never has been a thing with online dating. People don’t online date to find friends.

8. ok so go out and make friends, no one is stopping you lol

9. It definitely happens. But it has to happen organically. If you go out there hoping to use this as a tactic, you’re now in kind of a game of chance where the person who caught your eyes and you’re being a friend with and will ask out when you know them to the point you describe, you have to take the chance against quite a lot of investment of time, whether or not they will return your feelings. People who were friends before they dated, they generally don’t come at this with the plan that they will date a friend. Feelings simply develop.

   Now knowing someone a bit before you decide whether or not you want to date them, that’s just how things normally happen. But knowing absolutely ins and out is maybe waiting on one person too long. If you want to know someone before you date, you’ll be better served by having the sort of quality time, having an idea about what kind of question you should ask that will reveal the other person to you rather than being friends and waiting until the time you know them inside and out and then broaching a relationship.

10. It’s not a thing for dating apps or cold meets. If you were friends first from college or friends then sure it can happen, but otherwise the friends first thing tends to fizzle out and I meet someone who is more interested and direct in the meantime.

11. If there’s interest in dating and it’s not mutual, it’s time to move on.

    Friendzoning works both ways.

    If you both want to be friends with no expectations, great.

    If you both want to date, great.

    If on the other hand each of you wants a different thing, that ain’t gonna work.

12. I think befriending someone with the intention you’re going to make a move on them eventually is morally wrong.

13. It makes perfect sense & it’s pretty common but only when it’s from a true friendship. It’s messed up to approach someone as a friend with hidden romantic intent. It can easily turn mess too bc if you’re actually platonic there’s no guarantee that the friend had a mutual shift in intent.

    That’s not the only way though. You can go the dating route but take things slow to build up familiarity and emotional intimacy as the foundation.

14. I avoid women that want to do “Friends First”. Because if you really found someone that you’re attracted enough that you wanted to date them. You really wouldn’t want to keep as just a friend for long. Also I treat my female friends differently then someone I’m dating. In “Friends First” I still consider myself single and we’re splitting the bill when we go out.

15. From the male perspective, if you try to be “friends first” with a woman, you usually end up as “friends forever”. For a man seeking a romantic partner, friends first is not advisable.

16. I’ve never found that easy. I end up falling into the trap of having deep unrequited feelings for a friend and then making everything awkward by telling them.

    If you meet someone new and say you want to get to know them before pursuing a relationship, is that a genuine friendship? Because it’s in the back of both of your minds that it might develop into more. To me that’s just dating and taking things really slow.

17. I’ve (36m) thought about this quite a bit and with most things in life I’ve found it to be pretty situational.

    I had the “friends to romance” path with my ex-wife and that worked for 15 years, most of them very happy. But we were young and in college and things progressed very organically. We were friends who couldn’t stop spending time together until we both realized that we both wanted to be together.

    Now in my mid-thirties I’m finding the situation to be a little different. I don’t have as many opportunities to meet new people organically, not because I don’t do anything, but because I do a LOT of things. I work 40-50 hours a week, have my young children 50% of the time, spend time with friends (who I love so very much and am committed to supporting and loving because they deserve it), as well as having a few hobbies I really enjoy. Then you add other responsibilities like taking care of the house, car, my slowly decrepifying body, and ancillary self-care things like therapy, and that all starts to add up and you find little time to make new friends who could maaaaaybe become someone you fall in love with and could then pursue romantically (**edit**: reading this back I wondered about the order of operations in this statement, but now I think it’s cute so I’m going to leave it).

    I have quite a few friends, and a lot of them I’ve had for many years. I have one circle of about 12-14 people that all get together at least twice a month for a meal or gathering and of that group, 8 of us live within walking distance of each other and hang out frequently. Then I have other circles of friends who aren’t as close but who I still greatly value. But at this point in our lives and the closeness I feel with these people gives things an interesting dynamic. I want these people (women ultimately as I am, for all practical purposes, straight) to feel safe around me and to know that there is no ulterior motive behind my friendship; that I value them for who they are and not in their potential as a romantic relationship. My best friend has said that I’m one of the two men in her life that she knows she can trust in that regard. She’s a badass and she’s beautiful and interesting and so she’s constantly having to evaluate whether a guy wants to be friends with her for who she is as a person or if he just is “putting in his dues” (as he sees it) to eventually get to sleep with her. I don’t want women to have to question that about me and my friendship with them, they deserve that sense of innate safety.

    So I’m pretty up front about what I’m looking for and who I’m attracted to and that I’m interested in a romantic relationship. I’m not closing the door on a “friends to lovers” pathway, but I’m not putting that up as some kind of ideal or goal. If it happens it will happen naturally.

    But also, what do I know? Nothing, that’s what. I’ve had enough experiences in my lifetime to expect the unexpected and to not be afraid of it; just respond to whatever that is with respect, kindness, and curiosity.

18. Friends first isn’t encouraged these days because of the whole “niceguy TM” / friend zone thing. Some of the apps have modes for finding friends. Try using that setting and then seeing what develops from there.

19. My entire life (27m) I was told you shouldn’t do this, because that’s how you end up in the friendzone.

20. Hovering around as a friend and hoping it turns into a romantic relationship down the line isnt really the most successful dating tactic for men.

    If you are organically friends first then it just turns into more down the road, that’s a different story. But pretty much nobody is looking for friends on a dating app because the point is to… date. The mutual understanding is that you are looking for romantic compatibility off the bat if you are on a dating app.

21. Nobody wants to waste their time in the friend zone. Plus what will you do if they start dating someone else while you’re building a friendship?

22. I did this once and never ever again. The problem is two things. When most people break up they stop being friends or around each other want to ruin a friendship? That’s how. Second I have female friends. It would be weird to go hey can we be friends first purely platonic? If that’s how I start it I will never seek relationship with that person

23. Eh. How many prime years of your life are you willing to sit around waiting for it to happen organically? There’s a reason it doesn’t happen that way much anymore.

    Also, pssst: *It was never the norm in the past, either*

24. A lot of guys want that too, the problem is the very vocal portion of women who suddenly call their guy friends creepy when they catch feelings and confess them. They also say how “I can’t believe he was just trying to get in my pants this whole time”. Browse around on reddit and guys with the same mindset as yours get ridiculed all the time.