Awhile ago I made a post on this topic and things have changed since then and I’m not sure what to do! Would appreciate peoples advice.
My friend (M21) and I (F21) met through Uni and spend loads of time together. We are together literally every day, have lots in common and get on really well. I would say we have a flirty relationship (developed this way over time) and do a lot of things together that are not typical of friends. We lived together for all of this year but not living together next year and we are currently in different countries for the holidays. We would typically spend all our time at the house together and even go to the library, go eat, to the gym etc together as well so really we are inseparable. We have also had periods of being very physically close although one of us has normally put a stop too it.
Recently, I told him that the flirting was getting too much for me and I had been having romantic feelings for him for quite sometime. He said he felt the same way, really liked me and wanted to give a relationship a try. We had an amazing 24 hours in which things were great and we both felt really happy (or so he said), until he freaked out a bit and said that he didn’t want to do anything until he was sure how he felt about me as he didn’t want to hurt me, and wanted to wait until his feelings were clear. About 24 hours later he tells me that he thinks he doesn’t feel the same way. He says he likes me, but isn’t sure if he likes me enough to potentially risk the friendship. I don’t really believe him when he says this because I don’t see how you can get on so well with someone, find them attractive (which he has told me multiple times) and not want to date them. I think our friendship is like we are already dating without the kissing, and when we have kissed it’s been great and the chemistry is undeniably there. I think he is just scared maybe, but also don’t want to be too hopeful when he has explicitly told me he just wants to be friends.
I don’t really know what to say or do about this, because in my opinion all relationships are a risk, but the potential gain is worth more than the potential fallout. I know I can’t convince him to change his mind and although I’m sad about it, I respect his decision.
However, in the holidays we typically call daily for at least an hour and message in between, and this holiday, even with all the drama we had, has been no different. My family is concerned I’m going to get hurt if we’re talking so much and he’s not interested in me like that. Also, I’m concerned that if he doesn’t like me and ends up getting a girlfriend, we won’t be able to talk or spend so much time together so I’ll lose the friendship anyway.
Don’t really know what’s best. Should we talk less to protect myself? Is it worth the extra drama? Should we sacrifice the friendship we’ve worked hard to maintain as a result of my unrequited feelings? Maybe if we talk less will he realise what he’s missing? Am I overthinking this all completely?! I just really don’t want to lose what is probably my closest friendship. Any advice welcome and appreciated!
TLDR: I have unrequited romantic feelings for a friend and I don’t know if I should distance myself.
4 comments
You two have been treating each other as pesudo boyfriend/girlfriends, not true platonic friends. That needs to change, and at the very least you also need to take time apart and not talk to him at all until your romantic feelings are gone.
You need to believe him in what he says. If he wanted to be with you, he would. Boundaries need to be drawn.
I have been in this situation and eventually the relationship dynamic changed and there were reinforced boundaries.
It may be very difficult for you to understand even though there is mutual love there, you cannot be sure what the other person’s actual motivations are or what they are thinking. In my case, it would have gone further into a benefits situation and looking back, would have been even more messy and hurtful for me to realize it would not develop into commitment later. So it was good to be transparent, but you can’t stuff the toothpaste back in the tube. Eventually, he may find someone and a very different dynamic that will test how resilient or genuine your friendship actually is. Most of the time, I suspect there is some narcissism involved and they enjoy the attentionn as the anxiously attached is a filler. Not to say their feelings are not real, but there is subtle psychological stuff going on.
There may be some real grieving and adjustment for you emotionally, and may want to explore new friendships.
If he’s your friend, you should be able to have a pretty honest and vulnerable conversation with him. If you need space, you should be upfront about why so it’s not like you’ve dropped off the face of the earth. I would explain your fears- that you needs some time to process your feelings so you can both move on and hopefully maintain the friendship. If it would be painful to see him with someone else, that’s a pretty good indicator that you need some time. And you have a good point that potential partners might not be ok with your dynamic, especially if it’s pretty flirtatious. So you guys really need a reset.
During that space you should think about your boundaries and what needs to change so that when you start spending time together again, you’re not just slipping back into old habits.
You’re apart for the holidays. I’d say it’s a good idea to tell him you need space to ditch the romantic feelings and you’ll talk when you get back.
Then work on yourself… Go out with friends, try to live a little without the codependent relationship.