My wife (26f) and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2 years. (28m). We have a daughter together. Things have been mostly great between us, but in the last year my wife has been a bit off. We haven’t been arguing or anything like that, but she has just seemed a bit withdrawn or distracted. Initially I thought she was just stressed out from work and have tried talking to her to see if she’s okay, but she insists she is fine and nothing is wrong. I started to get paranoid that she was cheating even though I had no solid proof. So I decided to snoop on her phone. I know I shouldn’t have done it but I had to know and didn’t want to be a played a fool. Instead I realized she wasn’t being unfaithful at all. I found that she had multiple secret fake accounts on various platforms, where she was pretending to be a man, and part of very racist and anti semitic communities. She was very active, posting and commenting very hateful things about other races but mostly about jews. I also saw she had become online friends with hundreds of people who believed and posted the same things as she did. I couldn’t believe my eyes. She has never showed signs of being a racist or ever been a political person. She was just an easygoing, happy, loving woman that enjoyed reading and gardening. Now she’s a full blown extremist. I don’t know how she got caught up with this crap, though I suspect she was brainwashed by others online. At this point, I feel like our marriage and entire relationship is a lie. She is not who I thought she was. She is leading a double life and most importantly I’m afraid for our daughter. I don’t want my daughter subscribing to such ideologies. I love her but I don’t think it’s gonna work if this who she really is. I don’t know what to do. What would you do if it was you?
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Yeah I don’t think she’s being brainwashed unfortunately. I think this is who she is and she just finally found her people. If you don’t agree (and I really hope you don’t) with these ideologies then you need to leave. But I would at least confront her first and ask her what’s up. Is it possible she’s trolling? If she is that could be just as unhealthy… but not as bad lol.
Wow. That’s insane. Run for the hills.
You need to confront her because she’s either been concealing her true self from you this whole time or if you truly believe she’s been brainwashed then maybe you can help her. This has wtf written all over it.
I feel awful that a child is involved in this. It would be much easier to leave otherwise. I don’t think you could get full custody based on something like this
Maybe check in at /r/QAnonCasualties/ to see what you can (or cannot) do.
She’s not secretly racist if she’s joining online extremist groups
I honestly would rather find out my husband is cheating. I would go ahead and contact an attorney without her knowledge and plan an exit plan for you and your child. Make documentation of these extremist groups she’s apart of. Get evidence of the hate she’s posted. Then when she least expect it, BAM! You’re gone.
This is who she’s always been hun, it don’t just happen overnight
Who cares? Are u Jewish? No? Not your problem.
It’s so depressing how almost all of Reddit is just constantly telling people to abandon their marriages.
Your marriage was a vow. In good times and in bad. She’s in a real bad place. Set aside a neutral time and have a conversation about this. Remember that people can become extremely misled down rabbit holes of the internet. Give her some grace and take the time to authentically hear where she’s at and if she’s willing to go to therapy and keep conversation open with you.
Broken homes are statistically horrible for kids to grow up in. I understand your concerns about the mom passing on this ideology to your child but there’s a very good chance you can work through this and keep it away from your kid.
Reddit is, in general, a crap place for marriage advice unless you just want validation for divorce.
Talk to her first and see if their is any progress to change. If not, get a divorce. Your spouse is a reflection of you
Why pretend to be a man? You should talk to her about this. Don’t be too confrontational or she won’t share much truth if any. Play like you might agree, find out what’s what, then decide what you’re doing.
If you noticed a change in her seemingly overnight there could be more to it. Good luck
Also want to point out that, sometimes people with onset of mental illness also do these behaviors. Typically it shows itself more so than is hidden. But it would be best to confront her and see how she responds.
If the conversation is weird, in the sense that she seems unhinged then it could be mental illness.
If she’s making at least logical points, even if they don’t make sense because racism and anti-Semitism doesn’t make sense, then she could just be brainwashed or secretly believe in all of these things.
Op. You need to get screen shots, downloads, documentation of her extremist views so that you can get custody.
#Please document **before** you confront her. Otherwise, she can delete everything and you’ll have no proof.
I’m so sorry.
If I were in your shoes the first thing that I would do would be to consult a lawyer who specializes in divorce with child custody issues. You cannot allow your child to tumble down that rabbit hole. Screenshot everything, collect all evidence of this behavior that you can before uttering a peep to your wife. This is just to get your ducks in a row in case things go sideways.
Then, it depends on what the lawyer advises and how you feel about your wife at this point. You could print out the screenshots and confront her directly (with your child safely away for a sleepover with grandparents or elsewhere), letting her know that this is unacceptable and asking her wtf is going on bc that’s not who you married, or at least not who you thought that you married.
If you want to be less direct (after speaking with a lawyer) watch a movie or TV show with her that addresses the topic and monitor her reactions, then talk about it afterwards.
This is not an easy situation and I hope things work out well for you. Good luck op, and keep us updated.
Bring up a topic about a recent story expressing sentiments directly opposing hers and get her input. It may take a few times of doing this before it comes out then deal with it from there.
Bruh…the last presidential election ended plenty marriages…not sure yours will survive the next one. My wife and I are on the same side of politics…but she is good bit further passed me on that scale than I am to the direction that she is just plain ignorant sometimes of life around the world as she settles in to her closed community of friends with similar social beliefs. It’s ok. All will be fine as long as you can control your feelings and emotions. Keyboard warrior is all most people are.
You know what your need to do !
Quit acting like a kid and confront her with the evidience . Put her on trial in your mind and find her guilty of what you know !
The courts will decide how you guys share joint custody. You cant repair that level of hate !
Dont you dare fall for that counseling or therapy silliness !
Talk about it. It’s the only way. Tell her racism has no place in your relationship and tell her there are a lot of click bait extremist fake things online. Tell her to read The Chaos Machine by Max Fisher. She will be asking for a flip phone after reading that.
If she is hiding her extremist avatars from you there is a small possibility she is posting extreme posts to maximize the attention she is getting and doesn’t believe what she is posting either. You need to talk to your wife, not us.
Idk why people are shaming you for thinking she fell into the extreme right wing hole. It’s just as possible as all the incels on here that do the same ?
People are brainwashed everyday into extreme beliefs.
I would confront her in a calm soothing way to ensure she knows you are not attacking her since her privacy already got invaded.
Be clear in how you feel about it.
Express blatant concern.
Sounds very odd, but i highly doubt she turned inyo an extremist overnight. She may have had seeds planted along her life and now theyre just sprouting well.
Sadly your wife was just very good at hiding this from you because she knows it’s a shameful act. Sorry hopefully she will get help.
I would leave my husband so fast he would be left permanently disabled from the whiplash.
This is really scary and I’m sorry you are going through it. Not sure if someone has already mentioned this, but there is an episode of the show “Death Lies and the Internet” that profiles a woman that joined a horrendous hate group. There is no excuse for her having joined, and/but she got wrapped up in it slowly which the show documents. She is now in a rehab program for racist extremists. The episode is called “I Am Not a Nazi”. Watching it won’t solve your problem but the rehab group might be helpful.
I’m also reminded of the movie “The Great Hack”, which shows how algorithms can play on fear and ignorance to sway people towards hatred and the sense of “safety” inside white supremacist groups. Very scary shit. Again, absolutely not excusing her actions but if there is a chance that anyone can turn away from hate groups I think there’s a responsibility to try to help.
Truly sorry this is happening to you (and by association, your daughter). I hope you will find support online and IRL to help you through this.
Like what most people have been saying, expect for the best but prepare for the worst.
I’ve found that most people who are racist, anti-semetic, homophobic, etc, have always had these prejudices. They just need people in their life to agree or validate their “opinions.” I don’t believe she was brainwashed, just validated.
Like people have been saying, prepare yourself for a possible divorce before confronting her. You have to confront her for your daughter’s sake. Bigotry is taught. Make sure you stop it from spreading to her.
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Dont confront her until you figure out what you want to get out the situation. Divorce or do you plan on staying.
I disagree with the majority of posters. She just got a bit suckered into a cult online. It’s very possible to become into the ideas without actually fully believing / committing to the ideology and hatred.
Have patience with her and do your best to de-racialise. Hanging out with real people face to face of different cultures (esp Jewish), new hobbies, films like American history X, other intellectual pursuits, having fun/reconnecting romantically. Can and will help. This isn’t a lost cause.
Source: got obsessed with some online communities like this a long time ago. Mostly as a spectator. And I’m not even white
You should listen to the podcast American Radical. It’s about a woman who was killed on Jan 6 and her family talks about how she got sucked into all that garbage.
Whatever.
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I’m curious , have you let her know that you know yet?
Try to help her. There’s been full blown kkk members who have changed and realized they were wrong. I’d talk to her and ask her why she believes these things or bring up Jews or another race and see how she responds, if she will openly say those things to you without you confronting her.
You sure she’s not a secret CIA agent looking for intel on extremist groups?
Only half joking.