I (24 m) got out of a four year relationship in March. I lived with my ex for two years, and for the last three years of our relationship physical intimacy was basically gone barring the once in a while she would throw me the odd handjob, but her body was for the most part strictly off limits for the majority of the relationship.
The reasons for why flip flopped every couple of months, sometimes being that I spent too much time with friends, or there was too much going on, or I was on her bad side etc. But the reality was (and I knew at the time but didn’t understand) that she had pretty extreme sexual abuse as a child and understandably had PTSD that ruined intimacy for her.
I haven’t had a lot of experience with sex even though it’s extremely important to me, but I loved her and she was/is absolutely head over heels for me and it felt like real love. and I feel like being a good boyfriend meant struggling through the hard parts.
Eventually we reached a point where the lack of validation for me and insecurity of being almost 24 and having no sexual identity was so painful, and we went into couples therapy. She refused to go into individual therapy or engage with couples therapy, and my attempts at intimacy or even talking about sex in a gentle way were met with that I was being “a lot”. Even now I feel so awful knowing why she was like this, but she constantly convinced me the end was around the corner and that she wanted intimacy with me. My feelings and experiences were devalued a lot because of this dynamic and I still feel small.
As I said we broke up in March and I moved to a new country and just started dating again. I just went on my second date last night with a really pretty and interesting girl. The conversation went great but she had to go to bed early but invited me up to say goodbye. I didn’t kiss her goodbye or do anything with physical contact.
It’s been a day since I asked her out on another and still nothing. It’s totally understandable and I’ll live but I’m just so embarrassed.
I’m vehemently against toxic masculinity but I feel like I’m barely a fucking man and that I’m just this broken man child who’s so so lonely and desperate for intimacy but afraid and not ready for it. And I’m so embarrassed for acting like a nervous 14 year old on a date.
And I can’t even be mad at my ex for leaving me slightly traumatized because I can’t imagine what she’s been through and it’s her fault our relationship turned into what it did
How do I move on from cringing at myself. I’m in therapy, but I just want some advice from real people on how I can sleep tonight without cringing and hating how awkward I’m going to be for the foreseeable future.
2 comments
You can be masculine with out being toxic. Just an fyi.
Just like a woman can be feminine and not be toxic.
U should have kicked ur ex to the curb years ago if she wasn’t interested in having sex with you.
That’s not toxic. That’s realizing ur not compatible and moving on.
Don’t go to psychologists, pretty much ever. It will just make it worse. There is no psychologist on the planet Earth that EVER made a guy more masculine. Think about it: just how “masculine” is your psychologist? My guess is not very.
If you want to become more masculine, spend time with guys who are and tell them that you want to be more masculine and ask them to help you. Become an auto mechanic or something.