My fiance and I have been together for a little under three years now and we live together. A month ago he proposed to me and I happily said yes, excited to spend the rest of my life together with this kind, loving man and feeling committed to being with him through any storm life may throw at us. I still feel this way now, but something he said today made me incredibly sad for some reason that I can’t really put a finger on. I am hoping that someone can help me perhaps understand his side a little better and to see if anyone has had a similar experience as me and how you handled it mentally.
So on to the story: as we were driving around doing errands, I was asking him some “would you rather” questions to pass time. One of the questions I asked was “would you rather date someone who goes out with sugar daddies while dating you or someone who texts and drives?” My understanding (at that time) was that we were both monogamous, and he detested people that played on their phones while driving so it was truly supposed to be a curiosity question on my end. His answer was “someone who goes out with sugar daddies” and so I asked him why. He said it’s because he wouldn’t care if his SOs went to sleep around with other people as long as they come home to him at the end. I guess this answer struck me by surprise, because I felt a dull pain in my heart when I heard this, and it felt like something crumbled from beneath my feet. In my head, I understand that him saying this does not change anything about our current relationship at all – he himself will continue to be loyal to me and I to him. But my emotions aren’t understanding it, to the point where I haven’t been able to look him in the eyes for the rest of the day. I know that this perspective exists and I have met other men who have said “I let my girl play around at bars, I don’t care if she makes out in front of me, because at the end of the night I know she’s coming home with me.” Which I have no issues with, I just don’t understand it because I myself am monogamous and I can never tolerate my partner making out with, or sleeping with someone else. Of course, I have no intention of now going around sleeping with other men because of what my fiance said, because I have no desire to sleep with anyone but him. I also do have an idea of where he is coming from – he is very much a believer in “not one person can supply all the needs of another person,” so he has a web of support systems, with different people he would go to for different things. I am totally cool with that, I can be independent and I usually give him space for when he needs it. But when it comes to sex, I have very high sex drive compared to his low, so that is probably why I think he said what he said. He understands that he won’t always be able to meet my needs, and so maybe that’s why he would be okay if I went to someone else for that need. But to me that sounds like giving up working together and finding a solution or a compromise. I feel as if there is now a wall up between him and me, and it was shocking to find out something like this after feeling like I knew this man so well. Obviously, I don’t plan on doing anything drastic over something like this, I still intend on marrying him in the future. But I am hurt, and now questioning everything and criticizing our relationship so far — I hate myself for being this dramatic over a dumb would you rather question that I ASKED!! I hope that reddit would be able to give me some insights or perspectives that would help me to understand his side better, and to convince my heart that this is nothing to worry about.
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TLDR; My (24F) fiance (25M) told me that he wouldn’t care if his partner slept around with other people. I was hurt hearing that and I don’t know why?
5 comments
I think it’s pretty obvious why. He said he wouldn’t care if you banged other ppl
First, this is nothing to worry about. I’m not sure what he meant, but there are millions of successful open relationships where their love is equal to any monogamous relationship. And I’m not even sure that’s what he wants. One positive way to look at it, he loves you so much that he wouldn’t let flirting with another man risk your relationship. Having said that, there’s a decent chance he’s turned on by the idea of you sleeping with someone else.
I don’t think this is anything you need to worry about. If you want to ask questions like that, and have open communication, you can’t have a major reaction to this or he’ll learn to not tell you things.
Oh, so he’s setting himself up to basically force you to be okay with him opening the relationship eventually. After all, “you knew how I felt about not one person can supply all the needs of another person”!
On the off chance I’m being dramatic and that isn’t the case here, there’s nothing wrong with bringing this up later. “Honey, I want to talk to you about the question I asked you and the response you gave. I have to admit I was genuinely surprised at your answer, and I just need to make sure we’re on the same page about monogamy.” And you go from there.
Perhaps his concern is that he can do this, as he finds it acceptable. Sleeping with other people and going home at the end of the day. You should make it clear to him that you don’t think so and that if he sleeps with other people it’s better not to come home. It’s the end of the line for you.
Hold up. You need to consider the possibility that he’s answering the question literally in light of the “would you rather” game.
His response indicates that he thinks texting and driving can kill (it can). What he literally said is that he would rather his partner cheated than died.
Follow up with him and see what he meant. It might well be harmless.