Women with SA experience, how do you keep yourself grounded being intimate with new partners?

15 comments

1. took me years of therapy and convincing myself that yes i went through that but this guy is not the same- take it slow don’t force yourself into anything before you’re ready!

   never be afraid to stop midway if you need to.

2. Through time and trust. It took me a long time to be able to trust anybody again, even those I’d known my whole life. At some point, when you feel safe enough, you have to be willing to let that guard down again for the person you love.

3. It took time to build that trust. You take baby steps. Don’t force it. He needs to be patient with you and let you do what feels comfortable until you feel comfortable enough trying new things. That’s what my husband and I did and it worked really well for us. I still have my moments on occasion but he doesn’t force me to do anything I’m uncomfortable with.

4. Therapy.

5. Therapy, and an intense focus on my partner. I want to see them, smell them, touch them all over, and make them feel good, because focusing on myself and the sensations I’m feeling can still be a little triggering.

   But seriously, therapy helped more than anything.

6. Lots of boundaries in new relationships. I would never even consider intimacy with someone who couldn’t respect my boundaries.

7. Trust and time obviously, but for my own experience, I also sometimes need to have the lights on. There’s a specific blue lighting that is my trigger, so at night, we’ll keep the lights or a lamp on to help and we try to prioritize sex during daylight hours if we can. It helps keep me grounded if I can see my husband. And if I start having flashbacks, we just stop.

8. I refused to let him “win” by taking over my feelings and thoughts. Fuck that guy.

9. I was CSA, and honestly I never associated what happened to me as something sexual, for me it was a violence, and it was an assault.

   With that being said, I don’t like being constrained, pain, or humiliation, being slapped on the face, choked …sexually, I think this is too violent and degrading for my taste…

   I don’t like being constrained in any situation, once I had a panic attack at iyengar yoga…

10. I hope I’m not imposing on a conversation like this, but my gf went through this and I can’t help but be so fucking angry at the guy despite this happening years ago. I see his face somewhere or get reminded of him somehow and it just fucks up my whole day knowing I couldn’t protect her, and that even though we were best friends at the time my gf didn’t even tell me until far into our relationship. Anyone got any advice for how I can fight that without burdening my gf with the insecurities? We’ve had talks ab it before and it feels wrong to beat a dead horse on such a sensitive topic.

11. My ex was sexually abusive and basically used me as a sex toy on a regular basis. When I met my now Husband, several things really made an impact for me. First, he insisted on not having sex right away. He made it very apparent that he was attracted me as a whole, and while of course he was physically attracted to me, but he showed me that my value wasn’t just sex like it had been before. He respected me. He never pushed anything, and let me initiate things for a while. If there was any ever indication of discomfort on my part, he would stop immediately and never ever made me feel badly for it. He also placed a lot of importance on my pleasure, and pleasing me. He was patient, kind and always respectful. Even our first kiss – he asked my consent. It was something I had never experienced before, and it really had an impact. In our 15 years of marriage, I can honestly say that this man has never made me feel badly or pressured in any way relating to sex.

    Don’t settle for anything less than total respect from your intimate partner(s). You deserve nothing less.

12. Time, therapy, but also figuring out my triggers and telling a partner that it happened and what the triggers were before getting to the point of having sex. The response to that talk is important, and communicating my specific trigger points allows for them to not get hit, and that helps. I’m dating a really great guy now who has been nothing to respectful and gone out of his way to make sire I never feel pressured. It makes a world of difference. But yeah it took time and work. Worth it.

13. I was abused for many years as a kid so I was always going to have problems. I told all my partners from the beginning and sadly none were patient with me and just forced me into it.

    My husband is extremely patient with me as his ex also had a similar background to me and he was used to handling it. It took time in the beginning, he knew I wasn’t very good at physical contact of any kind and that was often hard for him, but we worked through it and the more love and trust we built up the easier it got. We’ve been together nearly 11 years and I would say it took 6 years before I was completely comfortable.

14. Therapy, working through the stuck points often to rewire my thoughts. Remembering that a person worth being with will be patient and understanding. Be gentle with yourself. Such a traumatic thing can take a long, long time to feel okay again. Hugs.

15. To be honest I still don’t. But therapy helped, and also talking to my partner while being intimate, to make sure he knows what I want and I know what he wants, and that I feel safe to stop if I need to.