My cousin Lara came out to me as asexual. She called me up and said she had something to tell me and I thought she was going to say she was moving or something and then she said ‘I’m asexual!’
I said ‘I’m happy for you but I don’t really know why you are telling me. You have never had a partner your whole life and no one has ever expected you to, you have a good job and money and your lifestyle is amazing, I don’t really know what the point of telling me this is.’
She said ‘I supported you when you came out as gay’
I said ‘I never came out as gay. I just brought my partner home and no one cared.’
She said, ‘I supported you with your disability’.
I said ‘ok. Thank you for literally not being mean to me about my physical disability and mobility issues? But what am I meant to do to support you? I don’t care, our family doesn’t care, no one knows if you don’t tell them, unlike me with my partner and my obvious disability. What am I meant to do?’
She said ‘be an ally.’
I said ‘ok. What does that entail?’
She said ‘holding space for me’.
I was like dude, bro, I have had your back your whole life but I have no idea what I am meant to do with this information that you don’t want to have sex with people. I know you don’t. You have told me your whole adult life! No one doesn’t know this about you!
She said ‘you are biich.’ And left.
What am I meant to say? What am I meant to do? Literally no one cares, she is 30, white, well off, educated and had a supportive family, friend group and workplace.
I don’t get it. Nothing new happened to her!
TLDR: My cousin (30f) just came out to me (43f) as asexual. I said I didn’t know why she was telling me and she said that she had always supported me and I should support her. What should I say?
18 comments
Support her for what exactly?
Just say OK cool. And move on.
There’s really nothing else to say about it.
You should say “I support you.”
Nothing? I’ve always been told by people I’ve known who’ve come out that one of the hardest parts/fears is the relationship changing with some of the new dynamics, Wouldn’t the best thing to do exactly what you did, “hey I’m here for you” maintain normal relationship?
I think they were probably just looking for someone to acknowledge the label. It may not seem different to you, but for them, it could be the label that made it all clear. They are looking for a place and their place is in the LGBTQ+ community and perhaps they were looking to feel connected and included in that. I understand that for you, nothing has changed and no new info was provided and you always supported them, but maybe for them this was a verbalization of something that was difficult for them.
Objectively, would it have been difficult for you to meet them with kindness in that moment? I know you didn’t want to make a big deal of something that you didn’t think was a big deal, but would it have been a bad thing to acknowledge their realization? It’s almost like you made it a bigger deal by being abrasive and asking, ok what am I supposed to do with this information, than to just have said, I’m so happy once come to this realization for yourself and if you need anything I’m here. It almost feels like there is built up resentment with them or they have a history of attention seeking behavior, so you outright met them as if they had bad intentions. If so, I understand, but so too we should meet people where they are, not where we think they should be. (I’m working hard on this, especially with my mom, but this is how I want people in my life to treat me so I owe them the same efforts, even if it’s hard or seems fruitless. Otherwise they aren’t worth being in my life at all.)
I think the wrong thing to say would be, “I don’t know why you’re telling me.” She told you because she trusts you. “Thank you for trusting me with this. I support you.”
Well it seems like it was important/meaningful/exciting for her to use the label and tell you about it. Responding with that “no one cares” attitude is just being unnecessarily mean, imo.
Some people are more interested than others in making their sexuality central to their identity. Sounds like she’s decided to do that. She was looking for you to validate her and maybe celebrate her.
It might not be a big deal to you, but it’s clearly a big deal to her. Also, you have no idea what her internal struggle has been. There is so much pressure to have a partner, “dying alone” as a terrible fate, valuing of romantic relationships over platonic… she may have been working through all of this. And while you may have known she was ace, it sounds like she must have had some struggles with self acceptance if she didn’t come out until she was 30.
You don’t have to understand it, but to continue to have a good relationship with her, you probably need to apologize.
Um? Be there for her… i get what you are saying, like who cares about anybodies sexual preference (unless you are intimate with them).
Your cousin probably came to terms with the fact that she is A-sexual – and was just looking for somebody to confide in, hopefully somebody who would understand and be supportive of her being “different” than most people. Probably wanted to feel less alone.
You werent that person, apparently. A solid “well cuz, whatever makes you happy (or doesnt in this case) , i support it” .
You deviated from the sexual norm, she probably thought she could confide in you when she did too…. really showed her huh
you could have literally said “cool dude, good for you” and then probably never have had to speak about it again, you were unnecessarily cold and rude, this is something that has potentially taken years for her to fully work out and to tell someone close and to be met with “no one cares” would hurt. you seem like you either struggle with social cues or you don’t actually like your cousin that much.
I’ve been reading your comments and it sounds like she’s been expecting everyone to cater to her icky feelings about anything sexual for years. So yea I get why you’re like so we know this. Maybe it’s time to stop doing that. Live your normal life. I think she’s so used to her wants being centered that you not caring was a bit of a shock when to her you and everyone else has cared by going along with her somewhat weird reactions to things like pregnancy
She overreacted you’re right
Does your comment of “no one cares” equate more so to “nobody judges you for living your life the way you do”? If so, maybe just consider reaching out and rewording what you said and just telling her that you’ve obviously always supported her as you love her and care about her, you just didn’t understand why she “came out” to you, as you and others by the sound of it, we’re already aware of her not engaging in sexual/dating relationships. She likely came to you, a member of the same community because she needed to vocalize her identity. It’s probably something she thought a lot about and just needed to reach out for an encouraging word. Even if to you it felt self indulgent or not important, it’s her identity and obviously felt important enough for her to share with you. Does your feelings regarding her coming out to you outweigh the love you have for her? If not, then just be the bigger person and reach out. Show her a little love and support and then likely she’s not going to bring it up again.
The problem comes in when you’re rude. Telling someone there’s no point to whatever they are saying and that no one cares is rude. You can use manners, you are an adult, it doesn’t matter if you don’t care about it and think no one else does either, you don’t have to be rude or dismissive. You were rude. If you care enough to attempt to fix the situation, apologize. If you don’t care if she thinks you’re rude, go on with your life.
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she just needed you to say “i support you”. she just needed a bit of reafirmation from someone that she trusted. its ok to not know or understand what <insert gender here> means but you dont need to be rude. she didnt needed you to do anything huge. just some emotional support and maybe lend an ear sometimes.
You just need to apologize to her.
Is this a little bit of projection coupled with not understanding?
You may have told her and known she was asexual but that doesn’t mean she has known. It’s so similar to when a gay person who the rest of the family knows is gay but it doesn’t matter until they themselves know.
It’s a different kind of bravery. It also sounds like you never really had a coming out moment, so perhaps that’s why you’re having trouble letting her have hers with you. Perhaps you really didn’t need one, which is admirable, or maybe you weren’t given the space to have one.
Regardless, your response to her was really cold and unsupportive. And if I may, for people who are struggling with identity, those moments that they are choosing to share are actually important and how the other person responds can be the difference between helping a person flourish and thrive in their new identity or scarring them even harder and sending them back into their shell, making it harder to embrace their identity.
I feel like you’re just annoyed by her and I get it. You knew all along she was asexual and even told her she may be asexual and now she’s acting like it’s something new that she’s telling you and you should be excited about this news that you’ve known for years, as well as showing your support when you’ve been showing it for years. I get it, I’d be annoyed too. It probably wasn’t the nicest thing to say no one cares though even though you didn’t mean no one cares about her or what she’s saying, just that everyone knew, it doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t affect anyone, no one will care about the label. She sounds like she’s just probably excited that she finally is sure that she’s asexual and expected you to be excited with her. I’d probably talk to her and say you didn’t mean no one cares, just that you’ve all known for a long time and it doesn’t change anything and that you’re happy for her that she finally knows who she is and you fully support her like you ALWAYS have and that won’t change. She may be unaware of how obvious it was to everyone that she’s been asexual all along because she herself was unsure.