I’ve dated 3 men the last two years – not like official significant others but many of our friends knew about one another, we’d see each other frequently etc etc.
I’m not looking for my endgame right now, so I told all of them I understand if they want to/will sleep or be with other women. I like to talk about respective boundaries, agree on things that we expect from one another, and months later ask if anything has changed since we started seeing one another. You know being clear lol.
I don’t know why but pretty early on in these relationships, all of them were very vulnerable and opened up about things like family, friend, or mental health issues or fears in their careers. I know to some that gives girlfriend responsibilities but I really didn’t mind being there for any of them. To me, romantic relationships should have a foundation of friendship and sometimes the people you date, even casually, need a friend in the moment.
When I saw how they changed when I didn’t text as much as before or traveled for work or just didn’t give the same reaction as the beginning, I realized what they said they liked or respected about me was rarely reciprocated back. I would get reactions like:
1. extra long love bombing texts to then not reply for a few days and get a “sorry for the delayed response.” no real action happens, rinse and repeat
2. play a game of tug of war!! let’s decode whatever they texted in regards to their feelings. And after hours of going back and forth, I’m more confused and somehow I have ended up apologizing for something
3. a song about me that’s not really the nicest (lol) and when I say “is that how you really feel about me?” it gets pitched to me like it wasn’t *really* about me, I’m just inspiration and should take it like a compliment
4. because I travel a lot and haven’t reminded them how much felt recently, they don’t think I have genuineness in the relationship and they went off and slept with someone I had issues with
I just don’t get it. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong that this keeps repeating. With everyone I’ve dated, I truly do my best to communicate and make sure they know I am a friend as well as a romantic partner. It feels so icky to have people act and say they respect you they really don’t. Am I being too naive? Is this not manipulation and just boys dating in their mid 20s? What am I putting off that had made this a repeated pattern?
2 comments
It’s hard to know what you’re reacting to, because I don’t fully understand your post, but I’m wondering if these issues are all stemming from the fact that you haven’t defined the relationship.
If you’re not a significant other. You’re not actually together as a couple, this can cause anxiety for a lot of people. They don’t feel like they can rely on you. They don’t feel secure with you. Hence, what happens is that they try to emotionally withdraw from you in order to protect themselves from possible heartbreak.
You seem to expect boyfriend behavior but in reality you are just fuckfriends – their behavior is very consistent with being friends with benefits. Their behavior is exactly what I would expect from a FWB situation where there’s no commitment and no relationship security.
I think you would greatly benefit from placing these guys in a clear box..either it’s the casual sex box, the open relationship box, the friends with benefits box, or a committed relationship box.
Do not expect consistency from anyone unless you’re in an open relationship or a committed relationship. For anything else you should have zero expectations. Meaning if they don’t text you for two weeks, you should expect that. It is normal. You two don’t have a commitment unless it’s a defined relationship.
So to address all these problems, I think the best solution is: Define the relationship.
The waters of dating can feel turbulent, I see your struggle. It’s important to trust your instincts. If something feels off, it often is. Remember, not all people are the same. Try to find one whose rhythm matches yours. Keep radiant, don’t lose hope.