Me [29M] and my girlfriend [29F] of 10 years just welcomed our baby boy to the world 2 weeks ago. The first grand child on both of our sides. The hapiness was short lived, a couple of days of us coming home with the baby my girlfriends mother had to go to the ER becouse she was getting ill very fast. Ofcourse my girlfriend has been worying sick but I have tried to assure her its probably something the doctors will fix in no time.
After a week they finally figured out what was wrong with her. They found a tumour in her bile ducts, a nasty type that will kill you unless you can have it removed. Her mother did not qualify given the placement of the tumour and most likely she will not be here with us by the end of the summer.
My girlfriend and her mother is very close, they either talk or hang out almost every single day and she is a little mini version of her mother. So naturally the news have devastated her. Her mother is not even old, fit and healthy so the news just shocked everyone.
My girlfriend is the worrying kind, and over the years i have done a pretty good job of assuring her everything will be allright and to keep her spirits up. But this time around im on deep water way above my paygrade.
She is broken down, crying all the time. She does her best to be there for our baby but its hard for her. I just want to say something to make it a little bit better for her but I cant. At the same time im also gutted as i’ve known my mother in law for 10 years now and she was always so sweet to me.
I have a few questions i have no one to ask beside strangers on the internet.
Am i suppoused to stay strong so she can lean on me during this or am i allowed to be sad too?
She keeps listing all the things she wont be able to do with her mother, breaking down even more each time. Should i tell her to focus on the things she still have time for? Or should I just let her greif have its own course?
Is it OK to tell her that our baby still needs his mom? I have been giving him formula now becouse she is not in a state to breastfeed, im just worried about the baby needing his mom when he is so young. I dont want to place any guilt on her but im feeling more stressed out everyday.
That is the questions i have right now, anyone who have been in a similar position please share anything that you found helpfull during those times.
English is not my first language sorry for any misspellings.
TLDR: Girlfriends mother is dying, what am i supposed to do as her partner?
4 comments
You’re allowed to grieve OP. Your partner just also needs to be allowed to grieve.
In terms of your child, do you have the means/ resources to maybe take a break as a couple? Just decompress. As long as her mother is dying it’s just going to be a hard thing to live with.
For your own mental health, do you have friends or family you can reach out to for support?
As a partner, continue to do the best you can. But you don’t have to pretend to be strong sometimes. It’s just an overall sucky situation.
Awful situation, my sympathies. No good answer. Encourage her to spend time with her mom, let her grieve how she needs. Try to avoid giving advice about the grief. She doesn’t need advice, really. It’s not an ok situation and nothing but time will fix it.
I wouldn’t worry too much about the formula bit under the circumstances. Try to encourage her to hold/cuddle the baby as much as possible, without the guilt.
Can you get some extra help regarding baby care? I’m worried about future attachment issues with the baby though. Can you get a doctor to check in with your gf and the baby every once in awhile?
Get someone to help with the every day stuff like dishes and laundry, so that she can focus on her mom and her baby. People did this for me when I was losing my father and it was so thoughtful and really made life much easier for me. Sometimes the small things matter.