So… I’ve been dating someone on and off, mostly on, for over a year. He and I were planning a trip this Thursday-Saturday to take advantage of my last free week before work starts, celebrate getting a job, and him being off for summer as a teacher.
Just now he told me that instead, he will be driving ten hours to [city] on Thursday with his wife (still haven’t filed for divorce, after four years, somehow) because her dog is really sick, like almost died last week sick, her uncle just died, his funeral is there this weekend, and she doesn’t want to do the drive alone.
So *he offered to go with her* because “it’s the right thing to do.” And she said yes. And he insists that this is what a good friend would do and that she is a good friend. And he hopes that I can understand.
I don’t understand at all. I feel bad for her, genuinely, for the dog and the uncle, but we made plans and he’s actually dating me. He’s now canceling our plans, last minute, to travel and do this with her instead.
I’m obviously too close to the situation, so I need to know: is there any situation in which that seems like a healthy, wise, or honorable choice?
32 comments
>his wife (still haven’t filed for divorce, after four years, somehow)
This is why you don’t date people who are not divorced.
>is there any situation in which that seems like a healthy, wise, or honorable choice?
Nope. You continuing to date this guy is not a healthy, wise, or honorable choice either.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. The fact that he is prioritizing consoling his ex-wife, at the expense of hurting your feelings and disappointing you, makes me feel like he is not a good partner for you. You deserve better.
Hell no. Fireable offense. Last minute cancellation means money is being lost here. He’s prioritizing the wrong woman in his life.
Don’t date people who are still married on paper next time.
I would be treating this as a breakup and him reconciling with his wife. There’s no world in which you should accept this.
You need to break up. It’s emotional cheating and it’s not going to stop. They’re both in denial and not getting divorced
How do I feel about man being there emotionally for his wife? The bare minimum. Totally expected.
He’s still married so it’s not odd that he is heavily involved with his wife. This is what people tend to do when they are married to each other.
Why you do you believe that someone who is married to someone else……is your best option?
Nope. No way.
Considering he’s her husband, it makes sense he be there for his wife.
This isn’t something id be okay with, but this is also why I don’t date men who aren’t divorced for at least a year or two.
1) 4 years and still not divorced, unacceptable.
2) Driving 10 hours to do literally anything for her, unacceptable.
3) Going to a funeral is an intimate thing, unacceptable.
4) Ditching the person he is actually dating for an ex, unacceptable.
This is not a person that is seriously interested in you.
This is something my ex husband of 10 years would stop and do for me. He’s the nicest person and from my position I see it as unacceptable and we have children together.
Your guy is still married so he is acting as a husband, which he is.
How long was he with his wife? Did he know the dog? Did he know the uncle?
My ex and I were together over a decade. I became quite close to some of his family members. One of the reasons I kept our separation as amicable as possible is so we could be around his family together without it being awkward for them.
Two of his family members have passed away since we separated just over 2 years ago, and I’ve gone to both of their funerals. There wasn’t a drive to go on for them, but if there was and he wanted me to go with him, I would have. Because even though we’re separated, in ways I’m still an extension of his family.
There are absolutely *no* romantic feelings from my side. And from his either. He is living with his girlfriend that he’s been with over a year. But there’s *history.* We have an understanding of each other and our family dynamics in a way no one else in our lives does simply because we were together for so long. He treated me very unkindly, and I’d never want to be with him again. But I still have a lot of empathy for him.
So it might seem like he’s doing this for her, and that might be the case. But if he was close to any of her family, he might be doing it for them as well (the person I really wanted to be there for at the last funeral was my ex-father-in-law), or even for himself.
Instead of looking at this one incident, I would look at how his interactions are with his ex as a whole. Is there any other concerns? Me and my ex text occasionally- but 95% of it is sending pictures of the dogs we owned when were together. The other 5% is things like updates on family members. It’s not like we ever “hang out.” or talk about things that are inappropriate etc.
A *lot* of people on Reddit are against dating someone who’s not fully divorced. I’m fully legally separated but not divorced. There are reasons for this that have absolutely nothing to do with “not wanting to let each other go” or anything like that. I in absolutely no way think of myself as his “wife.”
With all that being said – you’re absolutely right. You’re his girlfriend. He’s dating you now.
It’s absolutely fair to have a conversation with him where you say you don’t understand and the arrangement makes you uncomfortable.
You know the situation better than any of us, and if your boyfriend has given you any other concerns as to how he feels about his ex-wife.
But I think everyone jumping straight to “dump him” is assuming the worst of him.
> with his wife (still haven’t filed for divorce, after four years, somehow)
Have some self-respect and don’t get involved with people who are still married.
Oh honey no…
Oof no.
Its one thing if they were divorced and a relative of hers died and he wanted to go to the funeral, or if the dog they once shared died and he wanted to get some ashes or something.
But to drive 10 hours because she ‘doesnt wanna be alone’, and cancel plans with you is putting her needs and wants before yours. There are major boundary issues here at least, unresolved feelings at best. Your feelings are third to His and hers.
I agree with anothrr comment saying its emotional cheating. Whether they intend to divorce or not, he is not being loyal to you. I also suspect on this long drive out there, there may be some rekindling talks. Nostalgia.. funerals and deaths bring out emotions.
Hard pass. Nope. Leave or you can expect more of this in the futurr, if not him leaving you.
Never ever date a married man, no matter what the circumstances. It’s absolutely not worth it. Cancelling a trip with you to comfort her… because they are married. You really need to know your worth because this ain’t it!
It fucking hurts to accept you are not a priority, but you aren’t.
Maybe you’re struggling to see it as the truth because you admire someone who would do something like this and support a friend, because you would do the same. This level of dedication is attractive!
But truly, if you were in his stead, would you still be married? Or would have been so excited to meet someone like the person you are – that you would have done everything to make the divorce happen faster so you could be with that person?
I’ve been here and I had to walk away. It still hurts, but you cannot bank on a future with someone who won’t show you the prioritization you deserve.
When my ex-wife’s parents die, I will absolutely go to the funeral. As the third wheel. To support both my ex-wife and her husband and the surviving ex-in law.
But I wouldn’t cancel a date to do that, nor drive 10 hours with her alone. And I’ve been divorced for 14+ years and genuinely like my ex-in laws.
While a small part of me wants to see this as potentially NOT a bad thing, the fact that they’re still married gives me massive pause. There doesn’t seem to be enough separation to their “un”marriage, and that’s a metric fuck ton of enmeshment.
And that enmeshment, in my world, is a do not pass go, do not collect $200 affair.
And enmeshment, irrespective of their marital status, is why you shouldn’t date people entangled with their exes like that.
Time to move on.
I do nice things for my ex wife sometimes but I feel like this would be wayyyy too much. That is just my opinion though!
The numbers aren’t in your favour. Studies have shown that most people hold some deep hope of reconciliation with their long term ex. It is one of the reasons that it is not recommended to date someone before they are divorced.
As a guy that was in a similar position as him, even after I was truly done with her, there were many things that I gave no thought to that a girlfriend had to point out as not being ok. It was a lack of awareness on my part because I just couldn’t see past what had been my normal for so long. It really did take someone pointing out the obvious for me to realize how inappropriate (in a relationship sense) my actions were and I would choose to correct the situation.
In your situation I would tell him that canceling plans with you for another woman is not an acceptable action. That he wouldn’t be ok with things if the situation was reversed. You admire that he cares for those he considers family(lets face it long term relationships bond people the same as family, doesn’t mean they want to continue their relationship though) but his actions directly suggest that she is more important in his life than you. If he considers his actions and comes up with a solution that is acceptable to the both of you (or you figure it out together but he needs to put in an honest effort) then you can appreciate that he at least is willing to try to make things right. If not well… he chose his ex over you…
Unfortunately as many commentors already pointed out, he’s married. She’s always going to come first in priority over you. Don’t believe the “divorced but not technically filed yet” dudes. If they wanted to be divorced they actually would get divorced.
Dump him, move on.
Absolutely NOT ok. End this relationship- he is hoping for a reconciliation with his wife.
I’m 3 years divorced. Cordial with my ex husband as we have kids together. Even if his mom, who I am still close with, died, I wouldn’t drive with him to the funeral, nor would I be his emotional support. I’d go and comfort my children, but Absolutely zero of my TLC would be for my ex.
I’m willing to bet if your response is “cool cool, my ex boyfriend is free that same weekend so I’m going to go ahead with him on that trip instead” that Mr Good Friend to His Wife would go absolutely nuclear. I only know because that kind of set up happened to me – it was fine to spend 1-on-1 time with The Wife but not okay for me to do the same with [literally any male person]. You’re also allowed to have boundaries over this kind of behavior. I grew up with a mother that would cancel important events (my birthday, my HS graduation, starting college) in order to help random people instead and choosing not to show up for me is a HUGE relationship dealbreaker. The fact that he’s showing up for his wife is even more disturbing, he’s willing to push you aside for his wife, that should feel uncomfortable.
Yeah I had one wasn’t divorced but was with a girlfriend and that ended, supposedly. We got together, and my family really liked him, still do. Being older and wiser, my mother inquired of his wife with him. He told her they had the papers. They had signed them and everything, just hadn’t filed them. My mother told him if he wanted our families approval and support of us, get them filed. He let her know, and filed them the next week.
He always felt guilty about her though because he never did right by her. She proposed, she bought both rings, she got everyone they know to pressure him into it. Soon after she moved into his house he left for the girlfriend.
Three years later he’s with me but he’s roommates here, then there and never stable in one place, so I insisted he get his house back. It was a rental on 40 acres for $250/mo with a 20 year lease. He refused and kept going over there to help with this and that.
We break up finally and she inherited a house and a lot of money in another state, gives house back.
A year later we had remained friends, he wants to get back together. We live 6 hrs from each other, I can’t move, I don’t want to be part of him giving that place up again should it not work, plus he had a new heart condition he was not expected to live long from.
In the end, he filed for disability and moved up where the ex wife went and back in with her, never told me, then came to spend Christmas with us without telling her.
If they aren’t fully untangled from their pasts, leave em with it.
Maybe all 3 of you should go, just make sure she sits in the back. Otherwise no.
He probably still has feelings for her and is pining to get back together. Sorry just my impression.
A man who is separated is still married. I am not saying not show any sympathy or be emotionally supportive, but this is going too far for two people who are supposed to be ending a marriage. Honestly, I definitely would wish him safe travels, and condolences to the soon to pass dog and of her uncle. And definitely end this relationship and block him everywhere. Not to be mean or hurt him but to protect you! When I was lost my grandfather my emotions put me in a really bad state with a really good male friend that I almost lost because sometimes romantic feelings and sad emotions wires cross and they just might end up in bed together. If he’s not even divorced yet and he’s still acting like a husband, he’s not truly in a place of letting go just yet. As a person who went through a divorce, it took a couple of years for me to really comprehend what was happening with my marriage even after I signed the papers. Relationships after a marriage are weird. Either one partner moves on very quickly and the other person lags behind. If he dropped his weekend plans with you, his priority for her appears to be higher. Depending on what all they’ve invested together their divorce may take awhile but emotionally he does seem like he’s trying to sway you to see his side, when it just seems like he’s going above and beyond for someone he claims he wants to divorce. For me the honorable thing would be to ask her to bring a friend/ close relative because they are headed for divorce and he is no longer her emotional support partner.
This is bad situation to go through but maybe you should cut him loose until the divorce is settled. I’m not dating anyone that’s not single. I don’t want to walk with anyone through separation/divorce drama. Sorry your plans were cancelled but take it as a sign of what’s to come.
You’re still the other woman. Don’t date men who aren’t over their wives. Good luck in the future!
I think the fact that he still hasn’t filed for divorce after four years says it all.