I betrayed my husband (No cheating !).I lied to him about bigger and smaller things in the past, and came forward with the truth. He decided that he needs some space and spent 3 weeks in Texas with his family. He came back and said he loves me and that he wants to make this work for the sake of our 6months old daughter. I started therapy to work on personal issues.
My husband now implodes on a daily basis, criticizes everything about me, calls me names etc.
I am currently the only one with an income, default care giver and the one that takes care of the house (everything from cleaning , cooking to paying bills , keeping inventory etc.)
He told me that his expectation is that I kiss his a**, meaning I should bring him meals and do whatever else he needs.
While I am fully committed to working on this and staying married to him, I am just about to completely fall apart due to the workload I have. I feel like it is impossible to be a good mom to our daughter after someone screamed in my face they hate me and that I should just make dinner.
Please advise. I don’t know what to do anymore and I do not have another therapy session until Friday.
29 comments
Is he doing therapy as well… has he choose to reconcile as well?
You might find a lot of helpful info on the r/AsOneAfterInfidelity
How did you betray your husband?
I guess if he hates you that much and is that cruel to you, he should probably divorce you. It’s not healthy for him, you, or your child to be in that kind of environment.
I’m assuming your betrayal is either romantic affair or something involving a massive amount of debt. In either of those cases, he might simply be unable to forgive, and you can’t force forgiveness. But, once the initial trauma period is gone, he should he focusing on moving forward. It’s totally fair for him to just go for the divorce option after realizing he can’t move on, but it’s not fair for him to use this as an excuse to abuse you indefinitely.
Not that his behavior is right in any way, this isn’t a healthy way forward, but what did you lie about? Are we talking about cheating?
Seems he using your part to make you his slave. Marriage doesn’t work. Your can’t build a future if you cannot let go of the past.
Maybe divorce is better for you.
If I were you I would do myself a favor and run. Sadly, it does not sound he will be over with the issues you guys had.
Just leave his ass honey
It sounds like your husband is punishing you for bad behavior. They way he is doing this isn’t acceptable, no matter what you did. While it is understandable that he might need time before he is ready to behave like he normally does in the marriage, this type of retaliation and vindictive attitude is destructive to both of you and your marriage will not get better if he continues to take this approach. He did not earn the right to treat you like a slave or be waited on like he is the king.
He can choose to stay or go, but if he chooses to stay, then presumably he wants to fix the marriage, which means he should behave in a way that helps you get back on track. You should not accept these totally unreasonable expectations he seems to have. I understand you feel like he has the leverage here, but you still deserve to be respected as a wife and a human. Maybe you are afraid to ask him for anything, because you think he might leave, but if the only thing holding this together is you following his orders, then what are you really doing here? If he is not committed to giving you another chance, a REAL chance, where he is willing to work as a team to fix the marriage, then there is nothing you can do to change that and you are just delaying the inevitable and prolonging your suffering.
Make your demands. If he is verbally abusing you, especially in front of your child, that isn’t acceptable at all. He needs to stop mistreating you. He needs to get a job, and do his part at home as well even after getting back to work. Or – if you are comfortable with him being home and being the breadwinner, then he needs to do the job of a SAHP and take care of the home, child, etc. You should not set yourself on fire to keep him warm, and it seems that is exactly what you are doing. The end result of this will be that eventually, you will get fed up and resent him as much as he apparently does you. Complying with his unreasonable demands won’t get you anywhere good.
If he is willing to go to marriage counseling, then I would recommend that. I think any counselor is going to call out this behavior for what it is. Cruel, unreasonable and especially unproductive. I hope your therapist is also telling you that this is unacceptable, to respect yourself, and helping you get the courage to confront and stand up for yourself. You need to be honest with the therapist about all of the things happening at home so they will be in the best position to help you.
He is abusive. Get out now. I really hope marriage rates decline in the near future. Marriage used to be necessary to lock down families and help them financially in harder times. Women work now and are still being forced to do all the house and kid stuff.
It’s unrealistic to think that a piece of paper and overpriced ceremony means that people will be compatible forever.
You didn’t “betray” him, this isn’t the 1800’s. You prob hid something from him because he’s abusive, clearly and you were afraid. Your daughter is only 6 months old, get out before she is put through hell and sees her mother waiting on an abusive husband hand and foot.
You have the money, file for divorce and get out.
He finally has reason to put his foot on your neck because he thinks you’re down enough to accept it. Divorce
What did you do? Not that it excuses his behaviour but it would help us understand more.
So he’s basically just punishing you. He has to start forgiving you or move on. You can’t and don’t deserve to live like this. I don’t care what you did. His actions are not right. It’s cruel.
You know that old saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right?”
Betrayed partners claim the lying was worse than the affair. But good news! You didn’t cheat. Just lied. But what about? His reactions scream infidelity. Or that you have history with someone he is close with and lied about it.
Getting screamed at everyday isn’t fun. Probably need to throw him out of the house.
He’s going to bring up your lying anytime in the future when he screws up. He doesn’t look at you like an equal but more a chef and maid.
Therapy or divorce. Screw an entire future with this. He’s acting foolish.
I am trying to figure out what is worse than infidelity and deserves this kind of abuse. I can’t think of anything. Even if you did cheat this isn’t how you fix a marriage. You don’t fix issues with abuse. What he is doing is going to make you resentful and bitter. You both need therapy and he needs to pick up the work load. If he is choosing to be the stay at home parent then he needs to do the stay at home parent duties or he needs to go back to work. I have known more than one single parent burn out and end up in the hospital because of exhaustion. It’s not possible to be everything to every one, make all the money, and maintain a home. It just isn’t. Please take care of yourself because your daughter needs mom healthy too.
Why would you stay? He clearly doesn’t want to work on your marriage. He just wants to abuse you, and that’s it. This isn’t setting a good example of how couples should act towards each other and work through things. your daughter is witnessing this all. Would you want her to be married to someone like that?
OP, part of what’s so addictive about abusive relationships is that for a brief while after a blow-up, it feels like the abuser “owes” us. It can seem worth it to be screamed at or controlled or even hit if afterwards they come crawling back, promising the moon, and we seem to hold all the cards.
Of course it’s an illusion and it doesn’t last, but it feels *amazing,* and it sounds right now like that’s the feeling your husband is chasing: you did wrong, so now you *owe* him. This, that, more, everything—it’s a bottomless pit of debt and he literally can’t get enough. There *isn’t* enough, because no amount of making dinner or letting him yell will actually fix the problem, but it’s satisfying enough to him in the moment that he keeps trying.
I have no idea what the original betrayal was, but I think we can all agree (except your husband, maybe, but let’s put a pin in that) that trying to get over it on your own isn’t going well. So it’s good that you’re in therapy, but a marriage takes two, and if he actually wants this to work that’s something he should be doing for himself, as well. Only you can decide how long you’re willing to wait for him to join you in trying to rebuild your marriage, but…not forever. Okay?
It may be a good idea for you to take time and go visit your family with your child. Then you can decide if you want to go back to him.
What did you do?
You be my slave and I will stay. That’s his idea of working things out? Wow, sounds like you are heading for divorce anyway because you know you can’t stay with him and let yourself be abused like that in front of your daughter.
He is abusing you. That’s not ok. If he wants to work on it, then he needs to work on it. Why isn’t he working? Tell him you can not cater to him with your current workload. You can not have feminine energy when you’re expected to have the duties of the man
This is narcissism. I know it’s easier said than done, I’ve been on the fence for years. My children are older now and I sometimes wish I did it when they were younger to escape the damage of narcissistic behavior. Run Forrest, run.
There is nothing that you could have possibly done to warrant putting your daughter through this. You both need to get your shit together. Unless you baby trapped him or faked cancer or stole his parents’ 401k, I’m having a hard time envisioning a lie so big that I would treat my spouse like trash like that.
You may have fucked up. You may have fucked up big. But you are still a human being worthy of a modicum of dignity. Your baby girl should not be in such a violent household. And yes, screaming and calling names and saying hateful things is violence. Even if you stay together, you can never unhear the words that he has said. It’s already creating stress for your kid, but it will only get worse as she starts to understand the things he’s saying. He’s already a deadbeat dad, refusing to work, taking off to another state for weeks at a time, putting all the care on you even though he’s right there. Does he actually spend any meaningful time bonding with her? He’s staying for a 9 month old he doesn’t seem to give a fuck about? There’s more to “staying” than just being present, and it kind of sounds like he’s staying because you are carrying his ass and to maintain the appearance of “staying for the kid” so that doesn’t have to admit to himself or anyone else that he’s a deadbeat. What’s the point of staying for the kid if you’re going to fuck them up to the point they’re in therapy forever? If you don’t expect better for yourself, at least expect better for her because she is 50% you and every insult he says to you, she’ll feel about herself too. Guess how I know.
If you decide to work through it you don’t turn around and use manipulation, toxicity, and abuse against your partner.
You’re literally both supposed to move on, talk about your feelings, and continue being a married couple. What he’s doing isn’t right.
You’re the breadwinner, you’re the cook, you’re the cleaner so you have power here. You can walk away if he’s being an abusive spouse.
It’s okay to be angry and feel those feelings that he’s feeling but he needs to change how he’s treating you. You don’t say “we’ll work through it” and then treat your wife like a POS. No. From that point forward you bite your tongue with the mean stuff, say constructive things, and work through your emotions like an adult.
It sounds, from some of your replies, that you feel like you deserve this treatment because you did something wrong. Please know that YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY, no matter what you did. You’ve been asked, but haven’t answered what it was, so I respect that fact that you don’t want to share. Please know nothing you could have done, short of maybe murder, deserves this punishment. Maybe he needs to spend some more time in Texas if he can’t treat you with any respect or human decency. If what you did was so bad, he should file for divorce. If it is forgivable, than he needs to start forgiving. I’m incredibly angry at my husband for an incident that happened about a week ago. Haven’t spoken to him since, when I make dinner, I no longer make him a plate, I don’t answer his calls and only reply to texts if it involves my kids, etc. But what I don’t do is abuse him because of it. Your daughter is very young, but even babies pick up on these things. If he continues, she’s going to start crying more, being restless and unable to be soothed because the environment is so tense. As much as you don’t deserve this treatment, she DEFINITELY doesn’t deserve to witness it. Respect yourself and your daughter. Put your foot down. Tell him he either needs to start treating you like a human being and begin the process of rebuilding your relationship, or pull the plug and file for divorce.
I don’t know how tf you expect to get good advice without outlining what it is you did💀💀
I don’t know what you did and I don’t care! Send him back to Texas with his family! You are already a single mom. It’s giving single with a side of abuse/man baby! What is the prize?!
It’s hard to really advice you when you won’t say what you did , but regardless of what you did, it’s either he completely forgives you or you get a divorce
There is no excuse for this, if you are this unhappy with someone this long after, then you should not be with them.
My now ex wife was a SAHM, did not manage finances well, drank and lied about it, gaslighted me constantly, didn’t clean the house, didn’t keep up after the kids and dogs, while I worked insane hours trying to fill the black hole of her spending ability and avoid homelessness with mixed success. Not once did I call her names, or put her down. I tried to find what she needed for help, and once I took finances back over things both improved and fell apart very quickly.